Lufthansa Airbus A380-800 Hijacked By Own Autopilot

Berlin, April 2, 2009 -- A Lufthansa A380-800 passenger aircraft carrying 523 passengers was hijacked shortly after takeoff yesterday, apparently by its own autopilot. The aircraft, which was scheduled to fly from Berlin's Tegel airport to Bangkok, Thailand, experienced a "non-standard route deviation" roughly 12 minutes into its flight.

Bush and Cheney Issue "Reasons to be Cheerful" Iraq Checklist

Washington, D.C., January 6, 2006 -- Presidents George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released today a fact-filled "Reasons to be Cheerful" Iraq Checklist in response to growing national dissatisfaction with and debate regarding the preemptive war that many believe was based on false pretenses and intentionally misleading information from the Bush Administration.

Mike Huckabee Blamed For Surge in "Artful Dodgers"

Charleston, South Carolina, August 9, 2016 -- The recent nationwide explosion in pre-teen pickpockets has been traced to the first-term policies of president Mike Huckabee, according to a new study.

The analysis, conducted by the respected Institute for Alarming Developments in Charleston, South Carolina, found a “confluence of poorly conceived notions, badly executed” responsible for the current pickpocketing plague on the citizens of the United States.

Poll Finds Some Americans "Do Not Always Lie" in Political Polls

San Francisco, CA, March 22, 2008 -- A new CNN/Zogby/Pollsters Club poll of American political polling habits finds that a majority of Americans admit “they do not always lie” in political polls. The results are expected to grant greater credence to the results of pre- and post-election polling conducted during the 2008 presidential election campaign season.

FCC Seeks to Bleep Meta-Profanity

Washington, D.C., November 12, 2008 -- The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) appears set to respond to pressure from an insistent and shrill phalanx of self-described consumer watchdog groups that have demanded that the well-known TV and radio "bleep" be censored under public airwave obscenity laws. According to the groups, the "bleep", by serving as a placeholder for profanity, itself constitutes profanity, or, as the groups describe it, "meta-profanity".

Thanksgiving Turkey Bird Flu Prevention Tips

Duckbill, Wyoming, November 14, 2009 -- A comprehensive study performed by the American Turkey Council has concluded that Thanksgiving turkeys are "unlikely carriers of the avian flu, or bird flu, virus." According to the council, the chances of contracting avian flu by eating traditional Thanksgiving turkey are "probably less than one in four.

With reasonable precautions, Thanksgiving dinner need not be a last supperWith reasonable precautions, Thanksgiving dinner need not be a last supper

Playboy University Enrolls First Class of Coeds

Beverly Hills, CA September 11, 2009 -- Donna Perkowski is not your typical college freshman. This 21 year old coed already has a résumé stacked with work experience and accomplishments. While her sexy set of credentials are massive, she feels that a university degree from Playboy University will thrust her toward one of the top positions within her field.

Bronze bust of Pamela Anderson's bust in the admissions office welcomes Playboy University coedsBronze bust of Pamela Anderson's bust in the admissions office welcomes Playboy University coeds

Electricity Found to Cause Massive Brain Cell Loss

Tulsa, Oklahoma, July 19, 2014 -- A sweeping two-part study of the effects of electricity on the human body has concluded that short- or long-term exposure to the phenomena may be responsible for the untimely demise of millions of brain cells.

A brainA brain

The study also brings scientists to the disturbing conclusion, described by coordinators as "shocking", that most humans are unwilling to alter their behavior to prevent damage to their primary brain functions, even when made aware of the causes of that damage

Chronic Armpit Rash Source of George W. Bush Swagger

Crawford, Texas, June 22, 2059 -- The signature swagger of the late US President George W. Bush (2001-2009) was the result of a persistent armpit rash, newly discovered archival material shows.

Underarm irritation source of late president George W. Bush's peculiar walking postureUnderarm irritation source of late president George W. Bush's peculiar walking posture

Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.