Nuclear Device Destroys Crawford, Texas

Waco, Texas, September 18, 2008 -- A nuclear detonation reduced most of Crawford, Texas to rubble yesterday morning, a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security's KABUM Dept., who were last to the scene, said today.

Mortally curious badger

While details are still sketchy, a timeline described by security personnel as "accurate enough for the mainstream media" and outlining the events that led to the tragic detonation has been developed based on unconfirmed reports from clandestine security officers. The timeline follows:

May 12

07:53 hours: A routine inspection of "Muslim-looking" passengers on Delta Flight 2259 from Sioux City, Iowa to Biloxi, Mississippi reveals a potentially dangerous criminal suspect. The suspect, Abby M. Samiblub, is found to have a name the letters of which can be rearranged to misspell Abu Ayyub al-Masri, a dangerous international terrorist suspected of leading Al Qaeda operations in Iraq. The potential linkage is flagged by the Department of Homeland Security's automatic high-tech Terrorist Anagram Finder (FAT).

08:32 hours: Ms. Samiblub, a Cape Verde immigrant whose application for American citizenship has not yet been approved due to funding cutbacks at the Immigration and Naturalization Department, is expedited to a covert interrogation center for covert coerced interrogation under the guidelines of the Military Commissions Act of 2006. Tellingly, her luggage includes a copy of that day's edition of The New York Post.

May 14

12:52 hours: 52 hours into her interrogation Ms. Samiblub reveals, shortly before expiring, that there "may damn well be a nuclear bomb somewhere in the United States or somewhere else in the world, if you freaking say so. How the hell should I know? I'm a cosmetics distributor. Christ, Almighty." Ms. Samiblub, under further, slightly more coercive interrogation, reveals the names of several potential co-conspirators. Ms. Samiblub then succumbs to "heart failure attributable to natural causes," according to a covert coercive interrogator who asked to remain anonymous due to the potential criminality of his present, past and future activities.

13:09 hours: An alert covert coercive interrogator notices that several of the names revealed by Ms. Samiblub prior to her untimely death due to natural causes are listed on the front page of that morning's edition of The New York Post.

22:44 hours: New York Mayor Bloomberg, Emmy-award winning sports commentator Bob Costas, ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney, dazzlingly successful self-promoter Madonna, Formula One racing legend Michael Schumacher, and billionaire media baron Rupert Murdoch, owner of The New York Post, are brought in for covert coercive interrogation based on actionable information obtained from the late confirmed Al-Qaeda affiliated terrorist Abby M. Samiblub and confirmed by The New York Post.

23:59 hours: With actionable information about a potential nuclear device "on the table", the CIA initiates a "ticking time bomb" scenario action plan. Coercive interrogation tactical restraints are officially removed.

May 15

00:09 hours: Vice President Cheney officiates at an official high-voltage electrode ribbon-cutting ceremony and press conference.

00:10 hours: High-voltage electrodes are applied to New York Mayor Bloomberg, Emmy-award winning sports commentator Bob Costas, ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney, dazzlingly successful self-promoter Madonna, Formula One racing legend Michael Schumacher, and billionaire media baron Rupert Murdoch, owner of The New York Post.

00:26 hours: CIA interrogators determine that one or more nuclear devices may be located in any of between 14 and 37 possible locations, including: Santa Barbara, California; Hackensack, New Jersey; Monte Carlo; Miami, Florida; Tasmania; and Penny Lane (believed to be somewhere in England).

09:48 hours: President Bush and Vice President Cheney stage a $25,000 / plate fund-raising breakfast for Republican presidential hopeful Dirk Diggler Jr.

10:49 hours: President Bush signs evacuation orders for Santa Barbara, Hackensack, Miami, Monte Carlo, Penny Lane and Tasmania.

11:14 hours: Monte Carlo, Penny Lane and Tasmania are discreetly redacted from Bush's evacuation order by an alert aide.

19:02 hours (May 15) – 14:16 hours (May 22): Sites confirmed to contain potential terrorist nuclear devices based on actionable intelligence extracted by the CIA under coerced interrogation from Mayor Bloomberg, Bob Costas, Sir Paul McCartney, Madonna, Michael Schumacher, and Rupert Murdoch are investigated by teams of bomb-sniffing CIA agents. Martial law is simultaneously imposed on the locations to speed the evacuation process.

May 22

14:17 hours: Bomb-sniffing dogs are brought in to replace the bomb-sniffing CIA agents.

May 23

00:00 hours – 23:59 hours: Bomb-sniffing and evacuations continue.

May 24

00:00 hours – 23:59 hours: Bomb-sniffing and evacuations continue.

11:36 hours: President Bush and Vice President Cheney headline a $10,000 / plate fundraiser for Republican presidential hopeful Jack Hammer.

May 25

00:00 hours – 23:59 hours: Bomb-sniffing and evacuations continue.

May 26 - September 17: Bomb-sniffing and evacuations continue.

September 18

05:34 hours: A nuclear device detonates near the center of Crawford, Texas. Seismologists and airborne radiation detectors pinpoint the epicenter of the detonation as President George W. Bush's Crawford estate and ranch-like experience center.

07:11 hours – 19:08 hours:

While details are still incomplete, a follow-up investigation of the Crawford blast determines that the nuclear device was, in fact, "one of ours, not one of theirs", according to Elmer J. Isodope, a covert nuclear radiospectroscopist who wishes to remain anonymous.

According to Mr. Isodope, the nuclear signature of the bomb is identical to that of tactical nuclear weapons commissioned, developed and tested by the Defense Department under the Bush Administration.

"This bomb, though, was obviously one of the batch that were supposed to be smuggled into Iraq during the run-up to the war, back in 2002," Mr. Isodope says. "I think it was part of the shipment that was stopped by Valerie Plame and caused all that Plamegate leakage kerfuffle."

According to blast analysts, the bomb appears to have been hidden in a private basement compartment of President Bush's Crawford ranch-like experience center. Analysis of surveillance tapes, which are stored off-site, reveals that a poorly latched basement door, marked "W's Stuff", permitted the unauthorized ingress of what Mr. Isodope describes as a "mortally curious badger", who apparently engaged the bomb's detonation mechanism in the hope that there would be food inside. The badger and the ranch-like experience center were both vaporized moments later.

20:15 hours: President Bush, who had been sequestered together with Vice President Cheney in the side of an undisclosed mountain throughout the nuclear alert, pausing only for fundraising appearances vital to the interest of national security, commends the CIA for their quick action and strong and effective use of coerced interrogation, despite the lamentable loss of his ranch and most of Crawford.

22:09 hours: Vice President Cheney conclusively determines the badger to have had ties to Al Qaeda. Citing the major terrorist threat they represent, badgers are declared illegal.

September 18

06:11 hours: The country-wide Patriotic Homeland Badger Eradication campaign begins with distribution of free federal shotguns and ammunition to all Americans over the age of 6. Mayor Bloomberg, Bob Costas, Sir Paul McCartney, Madonna, Michael Schumacher, and Rupert Murdoch remain incarcerated at an undisclosed interrogation facility until such time as President Bush should choose to authorize their release.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor