The Hottest Trend in Fashion: Celebrity Organs

Los Angeles, CA, June 24, 2006 -- What do Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Angelina Jolie, Janet Jackson, Danica Patrick, Carrie Underwood, Anna Kournikova, Indy 500 star Michael Andretti, Bo Bice, Miss Universe and Kelly Ripa have in common? They've all signed on with designer Juliano Monteverde to launch a new line of Celebrity Signature Organs. For the first time ever, lucky dialysis patients will have the chance to sport a kidney signed by Kournikova, or a transplanted retina endorsed by Underwood. But the cost of celebrity organ fashion is steep, and the process not for the faint of heart. (Speaking of which, the widely anticipated Donald Trump artificial heart is expected to beat the Milan runway next spring).

The new line of signature organs was announced yesterday night at a star-studded gala hosted by the glitzy Yuma Platte nightclub. According to Monteverde, the initial celebrity lineup is just the beginning.

"Everyone wants to get in on this," said the legendary designer. "What star wouldn't? This is a huge step forward from just a clothing, perfume, or accessory line. This is stuff that people wear internally and for life -- you can't get a stronger accolade from a fan than that."

Monteverde plans to launch an initial line of commonly implanted donated and artificial organs, including kidneys, retinas, lungs, livers, hearts, and -- yes, testicles. As more organ transplants become surgically feasible, he plans to slot them into the collection.

"Bone marrow is an option," says Monteverde, "but the signature possibilities are limited because the stuff is just too goopy. Instead, we'll laser-inscribe the label right on the tibia."

But what is a celebrity signature organ? Monteverde explains:

"Normally, when a sick or blind person gets, for example, a new liver from a donor, the doctors just tissue-type the recipient, cut him open, sew it in, and that's the end of it. What we do is transform that anonymous slab of meat into a unique internal fashion accessory. Each of the high-profile members of our Celebrity Signature Series will have his or her own unique individual monogram. Before the organ is implanted, we'll inscribe its surface with the celebrity monogram of the client's choice. As a last, personal touch, the celebrity -- who will have to be present in the actual operation hall -- takes control of the laser and adds a unique, one-of-a-kind autograph. The client will then be wearing that autograph for the rest of his life -- unless the organ is rejected, of course. But in those cases, we offer a 20% discount on the next one."

The risk, according to Monteverde, of the celebrity's hand "slipping" during the autograph process and possibly damaging the organ, is remote.

"We usually give them a little something to keep their hands steady. Barbiturates, booze, whatever they're accustomed to."

The price, however, will keep these unique fashion accessories out of the reach of all but the most affluent organ recipients. While declining to specify, Monteverde named a ballpark figure of "around $40,000 for an eyeball, up to $100,000 for a larger organ, like a spleen."

Shares of Juliano Monteverde Ltd. rose nearly nine percent on the announcement, and orders are already pouring in.

"Let's face it," says Monteverde, "if you're not wearing a Janet Jackson pancreas, you're just a nobody."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor