Polarization Fertility Experiment Goes Awry, Creating Magnetic Babies

Brush Canyon, Nevada, June 22, 2011 -- Reproductive scientists at the Bohnin Fertility Laboratory in Brush Canyon, Nevada, report that that an experiment into improving fertility through the ionic polarization of zygotes has resulted in some unintended side effects. Specifically, children conceived through the controversial polarization process display powerful, and seemingly permanent, magnetic qualities.

Magnetic sperm

"This is an entirely unforeseen eventuality," said Dr. Ralph Baster, a specialist at the laboratory. "We had anticipated a small residual magnetic effect, but in the cases of these children, the magnetic fields appear to be merely strengthening with age."

The so-called Bohnin/Baster Polarization Process, conceived by Dr. Baster and developed to the point of live clinical trial by Bohnin Labs, attempts to facilitate reproduction by polarizing the ovum and spermatozoa with opposite poles prior to copulation. In theory, this process, when applied to couples who have had difficulty with conception due to "poor swimmers" on the part of the male partner but who live in a state that has declared artificial insemination illegal, would allow the ovum, or egg, to magnetically "draw" slow or dawdling sperm up the vagina and into the uterus, where reproduction could then take place.

"It's a little like a tractor beam, such as you might have seen on Star Wars, only a lot smaller and magnetic," said Dr. Baster.

Dr. Baster and his colleagues at the Bohnin Laboratory had assumed the magnetic fields would dissipate within a few months following successful insemination. The opposite, however, appears to have occurred.

"The first clue was that a number of surgical instruments seemed to be inching closer to the woman's, um, nether regions during early stages of the delivery," said Dr. Baster. "When the baby's head emerged, it was immediately clonked by a metal surgical tray that flew from across the room and stuck. Took quite a tug to pull it off again."

Dr. Baster said the babies, who are between five and seven weeks of age, are now isolated together with their families in an insulated, metal-free section of the laboratory's adjoining hospital.

"People with metal on their persons or in their bodies are having to keep their distance," said Dr. Baster. "We had an intern who had recently undergone dental surgery walk too close to the isolation ward. He wound up pinned to the outer wall by his braces, with four or five babies stuck to the wall on the other side. It took three orderlies to pull him off. Luckily the babies' mothers were on the other side to catch them when they fell. Then it took another hour to get them all unstuck from each other. We have them all in separate, shielded compartments now."

The magnetic fields emitted by the children are also disturbing cell phones, wireless internet communications and radio and television transmissions in the area.

"The FCC has already sent an investigator over to see whether or not they should send us a vague and threatening letter that won't be followed up," said Dr. Baster. "Meanwhile, we're trying to think of some place these kids can live that doesn't have a lot of metal around until we get this all figured out. Maybe Amish country?"

According to Dr. Baster, all the magnetic children thus far delivered have shared the same polarity, with the north pole located at the head, and the south pole in the region of the feet.

"You never need a compass when these kids are around," said Dr. Baster. "If you put them to bed, within a few seconds all their little bassinets will be facing north."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor