Bush Turns to Biblical Units in War on Terror

Washington, D.C., February 22, 2006 -- White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today a new Bush administration initiative to shift toward biblical units of weights and measures in the United States in an effort to "confuse evildoers and terrorists." The proposal for a new Biblical Weights and Measures Act, which is now being considered by the Federal Bureau of Weights, Measures and Eyeball Approximations, would legislate the conversion of all public and private measurements from the current Imperial standard to biblical standards.

Mr. McClellan stated that this would make it more difficult for "terrorists, who are less conversant in the Bible" to plan and execute attacks on U.S. soil.

"The proposed Biblical Weights and Measures Act would legislate the conversion of all public signs, maps, statistics and private and commercial products and transactions in America from the current Imperial units -- pounds, ounces, inches, feet, and so forth -- to the less-common biblical units," said Mr. McClellan at the White House press briefing this morning. "We think this would be a major step in protecting the United States from potential attacks by radical Islamic fundamentalists," he continued, "who, unlike Americans, have not embraced the Bible as law."

According to the terms of the proposed act, the fast-tracked conversion would commence as soon as the act is approved by congress, and would begin with public road signs. Next steps would be the alteration of maps and atlases, followed by the gradual conversion of public and private documentation and products over the next 24 to 36 months. The conversions will cost an estimated $120 billion, to be borrowed from the nation's unborn.

"We have a few laws on the side burner that will help increase that population," said McClellan, "so we feel pay-down of the additional debt burden will not be a problem long-term."

If the act is approved, motorists can expect to see signs such as "Speed Limit: 193,600 CPH" (cubits per hour); purchasers of flour might find a package labelled "Net weight 1 mina, 2 shekels, 1 pim"; and a gallon of milk would become a "hin".

"Imagine that you are an Islamic fundamentalist terrorist trying to plan a route to drive, say, a truck bomb between Florida and Washington, D.C.," explained Mr. McClellan. "Before the Biblical Weights and Measures Act, you could glance at a map and know that you would be driving about 939 miles at 55 miles per hour, in a truck carrying 3,000 pounds of explosives and with mileage of about 11 miles per gallon. With the new units, the terrorist would have to calculate a 3,305,280 cubit trip at 193,600 CPH, in a truck carrying 40 talents of explosives and that gets 38,720 cubits per hin. You'll be flummoxed. How do you budget for a trip like that?"

Some critics of the proposed plan suggest that Bush, whose approval ratings are at an all-time low of 27 percent based on the results of a new CNN/Time/Gallup opinion poll released this weekend, is indulging in another meaningless politically-motivate sop to the religious right, and further integrating church and state in an ongoing attempt to subvert the Constitution.

"It's complete malarkey," said Kim Rowlings, a spokesman for the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), which seeks to defend the Constitution. "How is that going to prevent terrorist attacks? If you're clever and motivated enough to get into the country with tons of explosives and plan a terrorist attack, even if you're a psychopath, I think you'd be smart enough to perform a little simple arithmetic."

Mr. McClellan, however, was quick to refute the criticism.

"This measure is designed to protect Americans from all walks of life, from Anglican to Unitarian. We in the Bush Administration do not think the arithmetic is simple – actually, we think it's pretty complex, and I think if you look closer at the calculations you'll agree. And the assertion that it may bring the Bible closer to the American consciousness is only a side-effect, and one I think we can all agree can be nothing but positive as we fight our ongoing crusade against radical Islamic fundamentalist extremism in Iraq and elsewhere."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor