Man Swallows Bug

Indianapolis, August 29, 2007 -- An Indianapolis resident reportedly sustained serious injuries after swallowing a bug yesterday while riding his bicycle at high speed near the South Grove Golf Course. The victim, Walter Jacobsen, of Wynnedale, Indiana, was rushed to Wishard Memorial Hospital where he was treated for multiple contusions, trauma, and concussion. He is reported to be in stable condition.

The location and condition of the bug, a yellow-flashing firefly of the genus Photinus pyralis, the unofficial state insect of Indiana, are unknown at this time. Relatives of the insect are "gravely concerned" about its condition.

"Unless he flew out again right away, I don't think he's going to make it," said Wrrhr Flpplp, an amber Pyractomena who said she was "close" to the victim. "Even with the exoskeleton, if he gets into the gastric chamber I… I just don't know…." The overwrought insect was unable to continue.

A local Photuris, or Tiger Firefly, Klkkwr Prrftht of the laurel hedge near the left bunker of the fourth green, was more pragmatic and platitudinous, saying, "That's life. We're only put on this earth for so long. You pays your money and you takes your chances. I only wish it was me that got the chance to eat him, poor guy, instead of that big-mouth biker."

Mr. Jacobsen was reportedly fleeing the Indiana Fertility Police at the time of the accident to evade prosecution on an Unauthorized Reproduction charge, a Class B misdemeanor.

"I knew it was wrong," said Jacobsen. "But the full import of my actions didn't really sink in until I saw the sonogram. There was my baby, right there on the screen--spine, skeleton, heart pumping away. It was amazing. My wife and I were thrilled – we'd been trying for so long. In vitro was the only way we could do it. I… I know it's not my own DNA, but I'm going to love that baby just as much as if it were my own."

According to friends of the Jacobsens, Mr. Jacobsen and his wife, Mathilda, had been attempting to have children for a number of years prior to the accident. When it was determined that Mr. Jacobsen, who suffers from a low sperm count, could not reproduce, the couple turned to the courts to seek approval for an in vitro fertilization procedure using reproductive material obtained from a local sperm bank.

"It was impossible to get through the bureaucracy," said Jacobsen. "Have you seen the docket at the Indiana court system? It's insane. There's like a five-year waiting list. The court's completely tied up prosecuting atheists, gay couples, environmentalists, gun activists, first amendment proponents. And Mathilda's already 37. We wanted to have a baby before we started getting too old to enjoy it. An unauthorized fertilization, despite the risks, seemed like our only chance."

According to Indiana's draconian fertility laws, a woman who "becomes pregnant by means other than sexual intercourse" must produce, on demand, a "gestational certificate" presented by the doctor who facilitates the pregnancy. The law reads: "An intended parent who knowingly or willingly participates in an artificial reproduction procedure without court approval commits Unauthorized Reproduction – a class B misdemeanor." Jacobsen, who is in grave danger of being charged with Accessory to Unauthorized Reproduction, could be sentenced to as much as seven years in prison.

"I just couldn't stand the thought of missing my baby's entire early childhood while I sat in prison," said Jacobsen. "When the Fertility Police banged down the door of the pre-natal ward, I just took off. I don't know yet what happened to Mathilda. I might have made it, too, if I hadn't swallowed that damn firefly."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor