Stock Markets Close as Global Earth World Planet International Buys All Shares

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer -- New York City, February 21, 2038 -- As the bell rang to close the trading session today at the New York Stock Exchange, board members of Global Earth World Planet International (GEWPI) celebrated with toasts of sparkling wine at an undisclosed location. They had reason to celebrate as their privately held consortium had just completed a two-week buying spree of all outstanding shares in every publicly traded company across the world.

GEWPI lead investor Vicente Venividivici stated, "We are all very pleased that this successful period of buying is complete." He added with a chuckle, "Even if we don't have enough money left to splurge for champagne."

Indeed there was much to celebrate and little left to spend after GEWPI investors purchased approximately 130 trillion outstanding shares for a total price of 35 trillion U.S. Dollars. Combine that with the shares the GEWPI investor consortium had been quietly accumulating over the past decade and no company on the planet had a chance of remaining publicly traded. All are now undergoing the process of privatization.

All publicly traded shares in the following exchanges were bought by GEWPI investors over the past 2 weeks: American Stock Exchange, Australian Stock Exchange, Bombay Stock Exchange, Euronext, Frankfurt Stock Exchange, Helsinki Stock Exchange, Hong Kong Stock Exchange, Istanbul Stock Exchange, JASDAQ, Johannesburg Securities Exchange, Karachi Stock Exchange, Korea Stock Exchange, London Stock Exchange, Madrid Stock Exchange, Milan Stock Exchange, Nagoya Stock Exchange, National Stock Exchange of India, NASDAQ, NYSE, Osaka Securities Exchange, São Paulo Stock Exchange, Shanghai Stock Exchange, Singapore Exchange, Stockholm Stock Exchange, Taiwan Stock Exchange, Tokyo Stock Exchange, Toronto Stock Exchange, Zurich Stock Exchange, amongst others less notable.

The abovementioned exchanges will all be closed effective immediately (with the exception of the Zurich Stock Exchange, which has already transformed itself into a Patek Philippe watch repair facility).

During a press conference yesterday in Vienna, Austria, Global Earth World Planet International introduced itself to the world with the slogan: "It Takes A Big Company To Run A Big World".

Mr. Venividivici provided a remarkably brief timeline of the events that allowed the consortium to develop and achieve their plan:

"As I'm sure you are all aware, something on this scale doesn't happen overnight. We've had over two decades to save, invest, plan, prepare and act. It just so happened that everything fell into place for us the beginning of last week. The rest is history."

Others, however, had much to say about the financial and regulatory decisions that had allowed GEWPI to literally corner the global business market and buy it.

European investment analyst Jené Saisquoi noted on her blog Le Investor that, "20 years of a squabbling and an out-of-touch WTO running regional trade organizations could have provided for a climate ripe for a mass buyout leading to mass privatization, but there must be more to it than that."

While the WTO must shoulder some of the responsibility, others point to the mysterious head of the United States Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), known only as Edgar.

Oxley Sarbanes, a highly-respected Wall Street insider, noted, "Over the 30 years under Edgar's oversight, the SEC has not enforced any reporting requirements from public companies with the result that public companies, after awhile, no longer bothered to see who actually owned their stock."

SEC Deputy Director, Mia Culpa, addressed this criticism yesterday during a recording of "Dancing with the Stars: Federal Government Appointees Edition" saying, "The SEC under Edgar's leadership and my oversight has provided investors a confidence in public companies unseen prior to his takeover of the SEC some 30 years ago."

Following Ms. Culpa's very energetic and nearly flawless samba with partner Manu A. Mano, she continued, "Investors have now reaped a vast payday thanks to SEC oversight. To question Edgar's or my integrity at this juncture is not only wrong, but anti-capitalist."

Mr. Oxley Sarbanes partially concurred with Mia Culpa's denial of responsibility, but cautioned, "Whilst those of us who were lucky enough to hold shares will reap these short-term rewards, our children will see neither gains nor dividends from what has happened over the course of the past two weeks."

While former stock brokers scramble for new jobs and former investors begin trying to understand the subtle nuances of pig bellies and orange juice within the commodities market, Mr. Venividivici and his fellow Global Earth World Planet International partners say they plan to relax with bottles of cheap bubbly while privatization of their global empire continues.

Full disclosure: Avant News, along with its affiliates Hoi Polloi News, Flagrante Delicto News and Weltanschauung News, are now fully owned and controlled by Global Earth World Planet International: It Takes A Big Company To Run A Big World.