Bill Gates Relaunches Self As XML-RPC Web Services Collection

Redmond, Washington, August 12, 2010 -- Bill Gates, citing "frustration with the inefficiency of organic processes", has relaunched himself as an XML-RPC based Web Services collection.

Bill Gates (decoded, virtual cross-section)

The binary software magnate, commenting by means of a popup message that appeared simultaneously on the screens of 380 million Windows-based computer users worldwide, said he "would be able to get a lot more done" in his new incarnation, and was looking forward to "moving at the speed of light."

The announcement was greeted with surprise, admiration, and a certain degree of frustration by the 380 million Windows users, all of whom were forced to reboot their computers within five minutes of viewing the popup announcement.

Bill Gates apparently achieved the transformation from carbon-based life form to text-based Web Service by the initial means of having his entire DNA chain coded by scientists at the National Center for Biotechnology Information.

The DNA sequence was then transcribed as an XML document, merged with the roughly 1.7 million email messages sent by Bill Gates during his lifetime and relayed via Microsoft's .NET network. When the encoding was complete, the organic original was cryogenically preserved as an emergency backup storage module.

"I feel terrific," said Mr. Gates, speaking via a wireless-capable microwave oven located in the suburban residence of Mrs. Tyra Bolene of East Orange, New Jersey.

"I can finally lose the geek glasses, and I never have to shower again. Whenever I sense the need, I just recompile into SOAP. Plus, I'd like to see the Justice Department or the EU try to slap a new anti-trust suit on a sequence of ASCII characters. Who's going to claim jurisdiction?"

Mr. Gates said he has upgraded himself approximately 254,009 times over the past few days and believes most of the mission-critical bugs in the Bill Gates Web Service have been ferreted out.

"I seem to still be experiencing what I can only describe as a minor flatulence problem," Mr. Gates said, "which is odd, considering there is no space for gas to accumulate in."

The beta version of Bill Gates was distributed surreptitiously late last week in the same manner as the notorious virus-like Sony-BMG DRM copy-protection spyware rootkit that infected millions of users in late 2005. Mr. Gates, in partnership with Sony, included a self-installing portion of his genome and a highly efficient JAX-RPC protocol-based two-way interface on CDs and DVDs carrying the latest best-selling 50 Cent album Lilting Perambulations with the Lemon Flower.

Based on initial hostname lookup cache analysis, Mr. Gates has already infected, or, to use Mr. Gates' term, "enhanced", at least 134 million personal computers and portable devices worldwide.

"The view from here is amazing," he said. "I have, at last count, over 3 million web cam 'eyes' and growing fast. You'd be amazed what people get up to in front of web cams."

Mr. Gates said he "looks forward to working from the inside to encourage better development and use of Windows technologies and applications, and to increase market share."

Microsoft's profits have stagnanted over the past decade due primarily to the rapid development of and consumer interest in cheaper, less vulnerable and more user-friendly applications and operating systems, a trend Mr. Gates said makes him "feel nauseous. Or did, rather, back when I still had a stomach."

Due to the ubiquitousness and cross-platform compatibility of Mr. Gates' new XML-RPC format, the former human should have little difficulty leaping easily between operating systems and devices, causing some consternation among, in particular, loyal Linux users.

"The last thing I need is a goddamn ghost in my machine, particularly one who's as malicious and self-aggrandizing as a Sober worm," said Faren Deebleboot, a Linux user and embittered opponent of Microsoft products. Ms. Deebleboot said she is actively developing a collection of open source anti-spyware applications to protect Linux users from the Bill Gates Web Service.

Mr. Gates, commenting via the text-messaging screen of a web-connected Pachinko machine in Osaka, Japan, said he wasn't thinking particularly about immortality when he decided to make the tradition to XML, but did not deny that living forever in binary form would be "a nice side-effect. New protocols will doubtless be developed over the coming decades and centuries, but since I'll be an integral part of that development in the most visceral sense, I have a good feeling I'll be able to upgrade myself without undue complications. I don't see a BSOD looming anywhere in my immediate future."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor