Ostrich Charged With Multiple Ostricides


Mali, September 22, 2015 -- A local ostrich, Zzirrk Struthio II, has been charged with multiple ostricides following a grisly chance discovery in the two-toed, long-necked ratite's backyard. Mr. Struthio was taken into custody and is being held at the Municipal Pen on a bond of 100,000 grubs pending trial.

Two of Mr. Struthio's victimsTwo of Mr. Struthio's victims

"It was probably the most gruesome thing I've ever stumbled across," Krrbll Trrtt, a young ostrich who lives next door to Mr. Struthio with his parents, said.

"I was trying to learn to fly by jumping off the high fence that divides our yards, and making some pretty good progress, I thought, when I got caught by a gust of wind and blown backwards into Zzirrk's place. Instead of slamming straight into the dusty ground the way I usually do, though, I landed on something soft and feathery – I knew right away something was really, really wrong."

Mr. Trrtt said he scrambled back over the fence and contacted the police on the squawk box. Responding officers were at first unable to see anything amiss at the Struthio residence, but by closing their eyes and pecking blindly around the area, they were eventually able to determine that up to eight ostrich corpses stood buried in Mr. Struthio's back garden, all of them presumed to be victims of foul play.

"Mr. Struthio – and while we haven't yet made a conclusive determination, all the evidence points to him – had buried all these guys up to the neck, starting at the head," Sergeant Peeboo Peeboo, one of the officers involved in the arrest, said.

"It was, I have to admit, a brilliant crime that effectively killed two birds with one stone – asphyxiating the victims and concealing the bodies at the same time. It was only by the luckiest chance – that bird-brained fly-boy falling on top of them – that we discovered this villainy."

No motive has as yet been determined for the ostricides. Mr. Struthio, according to Sergeant Peeboo, refuses to chirp. Identification of the victims, pending disinterment of their heads, is ongoing.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor

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