Defense Secretary Gates Plans Major Offensive on Apple, Linux, Google

Washington, D.C., February 2, 2007 -- Microsoft Corp. co-founder Bill Gates, who was appointed by President Bush to replace Donald Rumsfeld as Defense Secretary in November of last year and confirmed by the Senate today, said he will dedicate his new mandate in part "to the ongoing global struggle against unfair competition and open source radicalism".

Secretary of Defense William H. Gates III

While Donald Rumsfeld's resignation one day after the Democratic House, Senate and gubernatorial rout of Republicans in the midterm elections was widely expected, Bill Gates was seen by many as a surprising choice of successor.

Despite his nearly total lack of non-lobbying-related government experience, however, Gates is described as "a man who has spent more time in the virtual trenches than just about anyone out there, and better still, one who knows how to fight dirty. And that's what we need in today's hostile desktop climate," according to Tony Snow, a spokesmodel for President Bush.

Donald Rumsfeld resigned under a firestorm of bi-partisan and military community criticism after completing his transformation of the US military from the world's most powerful fighting force into a largely under-funded, under-equipped, demoralized entity that still manages to cost more than the combined military budgets of the rest of the world.

Rumsfeld's efforts, in particular his complicity in the Iraq quagmire, were hailed by Bush during Rumsfeld's resignation announcement as a "heck of a job, Rummy, for an cryptic old coot."

The newly confirmed Secretary of Defense, Bill Gates, said he plans "to re-evaluate Rumsfeld's long-term goal of reducing the army to just five soldiers with superior motor skills and reflexes who would fight all battles using Xbox controls steering a trillion-dollar space-based laser system".

According to Mr. Gates, who said "We didn't do Xbox just to do a global virtual defense system, we did it to be part of our vision of the digital military lifestyle, and with the next generation, we really get to go there," Xbox will continue to play a major roll in the US defense posture. Unlike Donald Rumsfeld, however, Mr. Gates does not intend to defend the US using exclusively high-tech wizardry.

"We'll also have soldiers," Mr. Gates said.

Military analyst Enzo Bot of Death Ray Weekly said Mr. Gates' appointment and confirmation represents a highly efficient capitalization on corporate, technological, and military synergies.

"Most Windows software and operating systems are already highly-advanced killing machines that can wipe out a sophisticated computer with a single wayward keystroke," Mr. Bot said. "Refitting the systems to kill America's enemies rather than America's consumer equipment should be child's play."

According to Mr. Bot, a militarized version of the much-touted Windows Live network is already in production. Windows Dead beta should be ready for launch next year, barring unexpected delays, in time for the 2008 election cycle invasion of Iran.

Mr. Gates said he will use also his mandate as Defense Secretary to "finally root out the dangerous and subversive worldwide threats of browser, operating system, and open source competition represented by Apple Computer, Google, and Linux."

"These systems and technologies represent threats to the global monolithic domination of their respective markets by a single company—mine," Mr. Gates said. "They've been thorns in my side for quite a few years and have put up quite a feisty little fight. Now let's see how they stand up to the full weight of a $500 billion dollar military budget."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor