President Ron Paul Deported Under Ron Paul's No Amnesty Law

Washington, D.C., March 29, 2009 -- President Ron Paul was deported this morning to his ancestral home of Krakpotka, Ukraine, under the terms of the controversial Ron Paul's No Amnesty, No Welfare for Illegal Aliens Act.

Former President Ron Paul on his return to Dnipropetrovsk Airport, Ukraine

The law, a linchpin of President Paul's platform that pundits have credited with sparking the popular xenophobic groundswell that clinched the election last November for the fringe Republican, has already resulted in the deportation of over 22 million purported "citizens", including, now, the president himself.

"When we crafted the No Amnesty law, what we were trying to do was to weed out every one of the millions of illegal immigrants in this country who were parasitizing America's bounty," Gilbert Spork, White House chief of staff, said. "So we made it as rigorous as we could and put in just about everything President Paul wanted, including mandatory deportation and the retroactive abolition of birthright citizenship. I think it might be that one that snagged him."

The phrase "birthright citizenship" indicates the privilege of American citizenship that is granted to any child physically born in the United States, whether or not the parents are American citizens. During his candidacy, President Ron Paul was a leading opponent of the practice.

"The researching and revocation of all birthright citizenship grants for the preceding four generations was a genealogical task of unprecedented proportions," Wevern Shimp, a supervisor of the True American Database Project, said.

"But that was the only way to ensure that all American citizens are pure Americans, deserving of all the inalienable rights American citizenship has to offer, such as welfare-to-work programs, parochial educational vouchers, color-coded terror charts, and so on. We found that once you go back a generation or two, the numbers are simply staggering."

The True American Database Project, a section of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement branch of the Department of Homeland Security, tracked the paperwork on every man, woman and child living in the United States, documenting their lineage backward through parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and great-great-grandparents. The data were collected in a 32 terabyte database maintained by the Bureau of Large Lumps of Data at NASA's Stennis Space Center in Mississippi.

"Unfortunately for President Paul, we found that his maternal great-grandparents, Sasha and Dmitri Potchichuk, who owned a small lard shop in Krakpotka, Ukraine, emigrated to the United States illegally in 1873," Mr. Shimp said. "Paperwork on President Paul's grandfather, who immigrated from Germany under questionable circumstances, is also pretty iffy, but that doesn't really matter. You only need one bad apple."

"What that means," Mr. Shimp explained, "is that every succeeding generation in the Ron Paul family has been basically composed of a bunch of job, welfare and education-filching illegals, and under Ron Paul's tough no-compromise policy, which I for one really admire, that means he's history. So, for that matter, is everyone in his family. I'm sure they will all be thrilled to finally get back to their real home of Krakpotka, where the weather is supposed be fairly pleasant soon."

President Ron Paul was summarily stripped of his illegally-acquired American citizenship upon his deportation, rendering him ineligible for the presidency. A doctor barred from practicing in the Ukraine due to the country's repressive laws regarding local accreditation, Dr. Paul, according to a spokesman, plans to resume his family's lard packaging operations if he is lucky enough to be granted a deportee business ownership waiver by the Ukrainian government.

Former President Ron Paul would traditionally have been succeeded by the Vice President, former actor Fred Thompson, had not the latter already been deported to his great-grandparents' native Finland.

The presidency of the United States will thus, under the rules of succession, be taken up by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, whose documents, according to a spokesman, are impeccable. The official swearing-in will take place in the White House rose garden later today.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor