Bush, Congress Make Headway on Electronic Stimulation Package

Washington, D.C., February 3, 2008 -- In an effort to stave off a looming recession in the wake of moribund consumer sentiment, ongoing turmoil in world credit markets and the subprime lending crisis, the White House announced today that major progress has been made on an Electronic Stimulation Package, the final details of which will be announced shortly.

"What we've got to do is to really jolt the American consumer out of his or her stagflation-induced malaise," White House aide Pert Kipper said during this morning's press availability. "Once we've ironed out all the kinks, the Electronic Stimulation Package should be just the ticket."

According to Mr. Kipper, the Electronic Stimulation Package, or ESP, is a small, cigar-shaped, battery-operated device that, when applied to sensitive regions of an American consumer's anatomy, can induce a "short-term euphoric sensation". The after-effect of the euphoria is an urge to go shopping, an activity the White House is counting on to help reinvigorate the economy.

"It's a short-term, temporary, one-off measure," Mr. Kipper said. "We don't want the American public to think the government is going to dive in and lend a hand every time the markets go down on them."

Mr. Kipper said Congress and the Bush administration plan to distribute an Electronic Stimulation Package to every American taxpayer, even those who pay only payroll taxes or social security; married couples and other households containing individuals who file taxes jointly will receive two.

"Every taxpayer really needs to have his or her own ESP because otherwise, you know, it gets icky," Mr. Kipper said.

The effects of the Electronic Stimulation Package are expected to be felt immediately on insertion into American consumers.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor