3rd Iraq Study Group Report Calls for Iterative –Izations

Washington, D.C., December 6, 2016 -- The 3rd Iraq Study Group Report, delivered by its distinguished panel to the president and released to the American public today, calls for "an iterative process of –izing things, with the order of –izations to be varied both stochastically and in accordance with prevailing conditions on the ground." Excerpts from the Executive Summary of the 3rd Iraq Study Group Report follow:

3rd Iraq Study Group Report

Letter from the Co-Chairs

There continues to be no magic formula to solve the problems in Iraq. The purportedly magic formula provided in 2014 by deceased close-up magician Derek Dingle was, as is now widely accepted, illusory, and therefore we are once again left with a range of equally distasteful options, each more unpalatable than the other. However, there are actions that can be taken, uniformly without merit, to improve the situation in Iraq. There are no guarantees that these options will stop sectarian warfare, growing violence, or the full-scale chaos that continue to define the failed state. However, we in the Iraq Study Group are paid by the word, not the hour, and are therefore compelled to write something down despite the inevitable sighs and snickers it causes even within our own study group. Imagine how the thinking public will react.

Executive Summary

The challenges in Iraq are complex. Complex challenges call for complex solutions, according to the following equation: the more complex the problem, the more complex the solution, and vice versa. The recommendations of the 3rd Iraq Study Group are therefore both complex and systemically flexible, allowing for myriad permutations one of which, if executed perfectly, could conceivably provide the errant magic formula the lack of which we decried in paragraph one.

The 3rd Iraq Study Group recommends the United States immediately embark on an iterative process of –ization. The –izations to be used are virtually limitless in scope, with no clearly defined starting point. To facilitate –ization selection, the 3rd Iraq Study Group offers the following list from which –izations may be chosen at the discretion of the United States President and Congress. Many of the proposed terms have been attempted prior to and during the ongoing conflict, both inadvertently and, er, advertently, but never with the degree of systematic randomness we believe is required.

We recommend a process whereby every –ization on the list is tried at least once, followed by a post-mortem evaluation period of up to one year, following which the administration should approach the list again, jumbling the –izations as needed. Note that certain –izations are offered as signals by which to recognize the achievement of milestones and benchmarks, others as direct actions to be taken by the United States and/or Iraqi and regional administrations.

The list is offered in transitive verb form for brevity and as a means by which to encourage prompt attention to the 3rd Iraq Study Group recommendations:

3rd Iraq Study Group –Ization (–Ize) List:

• generalize
• mischaracterize
• moralize
• platitudinize
• hyperbolize
• mythologize
• sensationalize
• propagandize
• hypnotize
• lobotomize
• sycophantize
• antagonize
• demonize
• fanaticize
• polarize
• legitimize
• sloganize
• internationalize
• authorize
• penalize
• destabilize
• brutalize
• pulverize
• publicize
• glamorize
• self-aggrandize
• sympathize
• nationalize
• memorialize
• democratize
• americanize
• demoralize
• fragmentize
• balkanize
• dehumanize
• militarize
• desectarianize
• radicalize
• metastasize
• vietnamize
• rationalize
• secularize
• mobilize
• incentivize
• disincentivize
• cauterize
• demobilize
• stabilize
• centralize
• decentralize
• terrorize

Conclusion

It is the unanimous opinion of the 3rd Iraq Study Group that these –ize words, when scrambled, applied, scrambled, and applied again, repeating as needed, may offer a virtually infinite number (approximately 124.139156 gabillion) of possible new ways forward for the United States in Iraq and the region. They are incomprehensive and need to be implemented in an uncoordinated fashion. They should not be separated or carried out in isolation, nor ever in the same order twice. There will be difficult days, months, years and decades ahead. But by pursuing this new way forward, Iraq, the region, and the United States can emerge with the sense that some action, however foolish, is being taken.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor