President Cheney Shills For Grand Canyon Oil Drill Plan

Washington, D.C., March 12, 2009 -- President Dick Cheney announced this morning a sweeping new Grand Canyon Oil Exploration Initiative during a speech in the White House Rose Garden. The plan calls for the full-scale industrial exploitation of Grand Canyon National Park, which is believed by President Cheney to contain "significant, or at least a few, oil reserves".

Following is the official White House transcript of the President's speech:

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PRESIDENT CHENEY: Yeah. Morning, whatever. Everybody shut up, I'm talking. That's right, I'm the president now, so shut your traps. (Applause.) You in the back—sit your [deleted] down. I've got a plan to announce. Turn off your [deleted] cell phones.

We all know oil prices in the nation have been running high. Frankly, that doesn't bother me at all. I've got oil exploration and services company stocks and options so far up my [deleted] I can't [deleted] without [deleted] half of them out again, and I get driven and flown anywhere I want at taxpayer expense, so why should I give a [deleted] if all you regular [deleted]-holes and jerks have to shed a few crybaby tears when you fill up your rust traps? (Laughter.)

My options have been skyrocketing. So why didn't I just retire last year and live off the fat of the land? Credit. When you've been president for eight years, after a while you want some credit, so now I'm the president on paper, too. Now I get the credit. You try it sometime.

People ask me, why don't we do something about these high oil prices? I answer, go [deleted] yourself. (Applause.) No, but seriously. Sure, we could look into alternative fuels. We could impose automotive fuel efficiency requirements. We could develop the public transportation infrastructure. We could do those things, I guess, if we were just a bunch of pinko anti-American [deleted] commie fags. (Laughter.)

We could make the oil companies build a few refineries, eliminate a few production bottlenecks, but frankly, that would cut into profits, and I, for one, don't see what the point of that would be.

What we need to do is to drill more. We drilled the hell out of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and I personally thought that was a hell of a lot of fun. It's a lot easier to get a bead on a whole herd of caribou stampeding across the tundra than a couple of mangy deer in some [deleted] woods. Good eating, too. (Applause.)

But as you know, we didn't find that much oil. Sure, we found a little, but it wasn't much. A little less than we needed to fuel the trucks we used to transport the rigs, so the whole [deleted] venture was kind of a bust.

But that's the American way. We didn't get to be the world's greatest and only superpower by not trying out a few ideas that perhaps turned out to look a little stupid in retrospect. Anyone remember Iraq? Of course you do, we're still there. (Applause.) How about the torture ban? (Laughter.) Campaign finance reform? (Laughter and applause.)

Be that as it may, I now have a new plan. Our crack geological survey team has discovered that the Grand Canyon may be sitting on top of an oil reserve even larger than the one we didn't find in Alaska. And now, by federal statute, we're going to drill the hell, the hell out of, out of...

PRESIDENT CHENEY'S HEART: ......

EMT TEAM: Clear!

PRESIDENT CHENEY: Thanks a lot, fellas. Some of you might say, isn't the Grand Canyon a beautiful, quintessentially American national treasure that should be preserved for future [deleted] generations? Or some such [deleted], like you said about the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge? I have one very simple answer to that question: kiss my [deleted]. (Laughter.)

Because we didn't build America for some [deleted] future generations. We built it for us. And we're going to [deleted] well use it. (Applause.)

Besides, the Grand Canyon will still be the Grand Canyon. It will merely have a few thousand oil rigs on it, across it, and under it. Oh, and we're going to have to blow up a lot of it, but we're planning to replace those parts with shopping malls and Intelligent Design Discovery Centers. So it will still be the Grand Canyon, only a lot flatter and with more shopping. Sounds great to me. Sounds great for America.

Oh yeah, and God bless it, or some such [deleted].

(Applause.)

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By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor