Candidate McCain Vows Not To Repeat Mistakes of 2000, 2008, 2012 Campaigns

West Palm Beach, Florida, January 12, 2016 -- Republican candidate for president and former senator John McCain, speaking at a campaign rally at the Heaven's Anteroom assisted living facility in West Palm Beach, Florida, today assured potential voters his 2016 campaign for president would not be plagued by "the admitted missteps, blatant pandering, and woeful errors in judgment" that characterized his three previous attempts to reach the Oval Office.

The assertion was met with skepticism by the some of the several rally participants who remained awake long enough to hear portions of the speech.

"Why's he using his walker like a podium?" Germaine Shingle, a Heaven's Anteroom resident, asked. "That don't look presidentural."

Senator McCain, 80, making what he has called "one last try before I die", is once again seeking the Republican nomination for president. Should he succeed, he will face off against Vice President Kathleen Sebelius, the popular presumptive Democratic nominee, whose campaign has already kicked off with a giant lead in the polls thanks in many ways to the widespread successes and undiminished popularity of second-term President Barack Obama.

After losing to George W. Bush, popularly recognized as 'the worst world leader since lightning struck the primordial ooze', in 2000, Senator McCain succeeded in clinching the Republican nomination in 2008 only to lose to President Barack Obama in one of the most decisive landslides in modern history, a disaster that left McCain able to communicate only by blinking. The candidate has since recovered partial use of his larynx.

McCain's humiliating 2008 defeat was blamed in part on the solid support Barack Obama received from Democrats and independents as well as from many moderate Republicans who were fed up with being thought of as wackos by association and never being asked to join bowling leagues.

Additionally, due to the fact that McCain never succeeded in convincing right-wing voters that he was the genuine xenophobic, Jesus-worshipping gay-hater he tried to portray himself as, many self-described conservative Republicans chose to stay home and perform AK-47 maintenance while whistling tunelessly between their teeth rather than vote on Election Day.

In 2012, Senator McCain narrowly clinched the nomination from candidate Mitt Romney, who was making his second appearance on the campaign trail, after it was revealed that Romney had evolved into an even smarmier hypocritical mendacious posturing douchebag than he was in 2008, despite the near-impossibility of that feat.

McCain also capitalized on the patriotic symbolism of his age, at the time 76, terming himself "the omni-centennial candidate", a phrase that resonated with a key phalanx of particularly imbecilic conservative voters. That support was not enough, however, for McCain to wrest the White House from President Barack Obama, then concluding his first term with an impressive 82% overall popularity.

For the 2016 race, Senator McCain has attempted to redefine himself once again, this time as "the wise old grandfather who, yes, farts and drools and can't eat solid food, but who, in between the mumbled reminiscences and sudden loud bellows for Jello, lets drop some real pearls of wisdom if you pay close attention."

A key "pearl" of Senator McCain's 2016 platform, he said, is a proposal that, every second year, the United States invade "one or more countries to be selected by popular vote", a significant departure from earlier wars during which the American public was generally not consulted or informed until after the fact.

"I want to give every American a chance to help decide who we invade first," McCain said, drawing grunts of what may have been affirmation from the nursing home audience, although some observers attributed the sounds to gastrointestinal activity. "That's what democracy is all about."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor