biology

Sam Brownback Pregnancy May Put Squeeze On Presidential Bid

Ottawa, Kansas, April 6, 2008 -- The presidential campaign of dark-horse candidate Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS) may be facing an new hurdle with the announcement that the virulently anti-abortion neo-conservative is pregnant. The Brownback pregnancy is, in the words of campaign press spokesman Diana Herodias, "really not part of the game plan and may create some serious challenges to our crusade for the White House".

Study Finds Human Brain Capable of Finite Number of Thoughts

St. Paul, Minnesota, July 22, 2017 -- A groundbreaking study performed by the St. Paul, Minnesota-based Institute for Cranial Spelunking has determined that human brains are capable of generating only a finite number of thoughts before becoming "utterly expended or depleted".

Human brain - planned obsolescenceHuman brain - planned obsolescence

The ICS study is expected to have profound implications on many aspects of human endeavour that involve thinking, pondering, mulling, or cogitation.

Electricity Found to Cause Massive Brain Cell Loss

Tulsa, Oklahoma, July 19, 2014 -- A sweeping two-part study of the effects of electricity on the human body has concluded that short- or long-term exposure to the phenomena may be responsible for the untimely demise of millions of brain cells.

A brainA brain

The study also brings scientists to the disturbing conclusion, described by coordinators as "shocking", that most humans are unwilling to alter their behavior to prevent damage to their primary brain functions, even when made aware of the causes of that damage

Laryngeal Bleep Implant Improves Political Discourse

Washington, D.C., November 9, 2015 -- The level of political discourse in America has improved by a whopping 43% since the Laryngeal Bleep Implant became a requirement for all politicians early last year, a new study shows.

Politician equipped with the discreet, effective Laryngeal Bleep ImplantPolitician equipped with the discreet, effective Laryngeal Bleep Implant

Kobe Bryant Clones Debut in 100% Kobe Bryant- Derived LA Kobe Bryants

Los Angeles, November 3, 2023 -- Cloned progeny of legendary basketball superstar Kobe Bryant will at last be making their NBA debut this Sunday as the newly-launched LA Kobe Bryants meet local rival the LA Chamberlains at Staples Arena in Los Angeles.

LA Kobe Bryants, Team PhotoLA Kobe Bryants, Team Photo

Bill Gates Relaunches Self As XML-RPC Web Services Collection

Redmond, Washington, August 12, 2010 -- Bill Gates, citing "frustration with the inefficiency of organic processes", has relaunched himself as an XML-RPC based Web Services collection.

Bill Gates (decoded, virtual cross-section)Bill Gates (decoded, virtual cross-section)

God Indicted in Absentia on Bird Flu Related Terrorism Charges

Washington, D.C., April 22, 2007 -- Following confirmed reports that the H5N1 avian flu virus has again been altered, making it even more resistant to anti-viral medications and increasing the risks of human-to-human bird flu transmission, a warrant has been issued for the arrest of God, the leading Suspect in what is now described as a global bio-terror conspiracy.

H5N1 avian flu virus strains (gold) prior to latest tweak by Hand of God: Photograph by C. Goldsmith/U.S. Centers for Disease ControlH5N1 avian flu virus strains (gold) prior to latest tweak by Hand of God: Photograph by C. Goldsmith/U.S. Centers for Disease Control

Americans Are Evolving

Washington, DC February 27, 2041 -- Randall M. Humphrey, M.D., Director of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), made it official earlier today when he unequivocally stated, "Americans are evolving." This proclamation was welcomed by many in the American scientific community who have spent the last three decades researching and documenting developments occurring with the anatomy of newborn children and following the growth pattern into adulthood

No Stem Cell Treatment Pledge Signers In Right to Die Dilemma

Washington, D.C., June 29, 2007 -- Several of the small group of stem cell research opponents who signed the controversial "No Stem Cell Treatment Pledge" last fall are now embroiled in a legal dilemma since contracting various terminal diseases, all of which can be easily cured using medical procedures developed through embryonic stem cell research.

39 New Giant Hamster Flu Deaths Reported in Midwest

Sioux City, Iowa, October 12, 2030 -- The recently-formed Midwest Commission on Giant Hamster Flu (MCGHF) reported yesterday that an additional 39 men and women have succumbed in the past month to the latest outbreak of Giant Hamster Flu, or GHF. This brings the total GHF-linked death toll to over 400 for the first three quarters of the year, a 49 percent increase over 2029.

Officials of the MCGHF are now characterizing the outbreak as a serious pandemic with the potential for widespread contagion, although no cases of GHF spreading from human to human have yet been reported.

Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.

Syndicate content