Saddam Hussein Trial to Resume Tuesday, Barring Unforeseen Delays

Baghdad, July 23, 2030 -- The ongoing trial of Saddam Hussein is set to resume Tuesday, July 26, 2030, barring new complications that may further delay the arduous and lengthy process. The once-vaunted trial of the widely-hated deposed dictator has been plagued with a variety of difficulties since its inception and over virtually the full 25 years that have elapsed since Saddam Hussein first took the stand.

"It's been a bit of a nuisance, finding new judges and lawyers every couple of days for the past few decades, but I think we're almost there now," said Archy Amin, a spokesman for the court.

Following is a brief timeline of the major events affecting the Saddam Hussein trial over the past 25 years:

Timeline of the Saddam Hussein Trial

July 1, 2004: First legal hearing in Saddam Hussein case held; Saddam loud, obstreperous, rude; trial suspended for 15 months pending exhibition of better manners on the part of the ex-dictator.

August 8, 2005: Trial resumes. Saddam's legal defense team dissolves in freak summer downpour en route to courtroom. Trial suspended for two months.

October 19, 2005: Saddam trial resumes. Presiding judge discovers official fountain pen leaky. Trial suspended until a better pen can be located or November 28, whichever comes first.

November 28, 2005: Two of Saddam's defense attorneys kill each other in dispute over who gets the comfy chair. Third defense attorney flees country with chair. Trial suspended for one week.

December 5, 2005: Trial resumes. Saddam's new defense team questions legitimacy of court. Presiding judge explodes in freak accident attributed to "natural causes". Trial to resume December 6.

December 6, 2005: New judge appointed. Trial resumes. Saddam questions legitimacy of court, vows to hold breath until court made more legitimate. Trial suspended for three weeks.

December 6, 2005 (43 seconds later): Saddam stops holding breath, vows to grow gigantic mustache if court not made more legitimate. Trial suspension expanded to six weeks.

January 23, 2006: New judge appointed in Saddam trial after former judge resigns complaining of excessive government interference. Trial resumes. Government interferes, this time meeting no resistance.

January 24, 2006: U.S. mid-term elections approaching; troop strength reduced. Trial suspended for ten months for security reasons.

November 12, 2006: Trial resumes. Saddam courtroom overrun with kangaroos. Trial suspended for one year pending kangaroo eradication.

November 24, 2007: Trial resumes. Saddam agrees to stop tying necktie in provocative double-Windsor knot style. Concession applauded in international media.

November 25, 2007: U.S. presidential elections approaching; troop strength reduced. Trial suspended for one year for security reasons.

October 7, 2008: Top prosecutor, top defense counselor, judge killed in simultaneous, unrelated briefcase explosions. Trial suspended pending investigation, new appointments.

December 11, 2008: Trial resumes. New defense, prosecution, judge reach accord on coffee break pastry menu.

December 12, 2008: Iraqi national elections approaching; trial suspended for six months for security reasons.

June 8, 2009: Trial resumes. Former FEMA Director Michael Brown appointed US Special Observer to the Saddam court; clogged toilet overflows, kills 1,400 trial participants and spectators; trial suspended for 6 months. Michael Brown promoted.

January 5, 2010: Trial resumes. Power outage. Trial suspended for one day.

January 6, 2010: Trial resumes. U.S. mid-term elections approaching; troop strength reduced. Trial suspended for ten months for security reasons.

November 30, 2010: Trial resumes. Top prosecutor, top defense counselor, judge killed in simultaneous, unrelated briefcase explosions. Trial suspended for one year pending investigation, new appointments.

December 13, 2011: Trial resumes. New prosecution, defense, judge reach accord on size, color of legal pads.

December 14, 2011: Saddam mustache damaged in cigar-related accident; trial suspended for three month re-growth period.

March 14, 2011: U.S. presidential elections approaching; troop strength reduced. Trial suspended for eighteen months for security reasons.

November 22, 2012: Trial to be reconfigured to popular reality-show call-in format; trial suspended for one year for $6.5 billion studio retooling by Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg, Brown & Root.

September 9, 2013: Trial suspended for additional year due to construction delays.

October 22, 2014: Call-in format deemed failure due to widespread "reality-show fatigue"; trial suspended for two years for $9.3 billion KBR courtroom studio retooling back to regular format.

September 3, 2016: Trial resumes. Top prosecutor, top defense counselor, judge killed in simultaneous, unrelated briefcase explosions. Trial suspended for six months pending investigation, new appointments.

March 5, 2017: Baathist loyalists free Saddam; trial suspended pending recapture.

January 8, 2018: Saddam recaptured in Syria by Iraqi-Iranian Shiite Holy Alliance; trial resumes.

January 9, 2018: U.S. mid-term elections approaching; troop strength reduced. Trial suspended for eleven months for security reasons.

December 2, 2018: Trial resumes. Courtroom required for ExxonMobil, Shell, BP three-way negotiations on future of Iraqi oil resources; trial suspended pending construction/furnishing of new location.

March 4, 2020: New courtroom built by KBR at cost of $1.9 billion; trial resumes.

March 5, 2020: Roof collapses in new courtroom, 32 killed. Saddam decapitated. Trial suspended pending construction/furnishing of new location, attempted reattachment of Saddam's head.

September 18, 2021: New courtroom built by KBR at cost of $1.9 billion; trial resumes.

September 19, 2021: Paris Hilton to wed! Trial suspended for three weeks of national celebration.

October 24, 2021: Trial resumes. International commission meets to determine appropriateness of continuing Saddam Hussein trial despite continuing absence of vital signs in despised deposed decapitated dictator. Trial suspended for one year.

November 8, 2022: Vital signs deemed irrelevant; trial resumes.

November 9, 2022: Iraq formally adopts Sharia law; trial suspended for eighteen months pending reformulation of charges in accordance with new law.

April 3, 2024: Trial resumes.

April 4, 2024: U.S. presidential elections approaching; troop strength reduced. Trial suspended for one year for security reasons.

June 6, 2024: Iraqi-Iranian alliance governments demand complete U.S. military withdrawal from region. Trial resumes. U.S. observers expelled from courtroom.

June 7, 2024: U.S. launches invasion to free peace- and democracy-loving Iraqis-Iranians from oppression by popularly-elected militant Islamists; trial suspended for five years of hostilities.

May 1, 2029: Mission accomplished! Trial resumes. Top prosecutor, top defense counselor killed in simultaneous, unrelated briefcase explosions. Trial suspended pending new appointments.

December 14, 2029: Judge Wapner appointed new chief judge; trial resumes; Judge Wapner found to be deceased; trial suspended pending appointment of new, actual living judge.

July 17, 2030: New judge appointed; trial resumes.

July 18, 2030: Five days of national celebration after successful test detonation of first jointly-developed Iraqi-Iranian thermonuclear warhead; trial suspended.

July 23, 2030: Trial resumes; relatives of decapitated comatose Saddam ask for removal of life support; overruled by Bill Frist; trial set to resume Tuesday, July 26, 2030, barring unforeseen delays.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Iraq Correspondent