Fox Network Reality Show Lineup Reaches Critical Mass, Causing Massive Explosion

Los Angeles, August 22, 2006 -- Several buildings were damaged when a huge explosion rocked the Fox Entertainment pap-production compound in Los Angeles yesterday. A preliminary analysis of the debris by the Los Angeles County Explosive Ordnance Unit determined that the explosion was not caused by a terrorist act, as was first feared, but was rather triggered by the inadvertent attainment of "reality show critical mass" by the studio.

A spokesman for Fox News said the network nevertheless plans to milk the terrorist angle for the foreseeable future. While nearly a dozen Fox executives were vaporized in the blast, there were no reported injuries.

Fox Entertainment's television staples include a limited selection of programs that do not precisely fit the reality show format, such as Fox News, a covertly-funded federal infoganda and evangetainment show, but the bulk of the network's airtime is filled with an extensive collection of so-called reality shows, reality show spin-offs, reality show rip-offs, and spontaneous reality show mutations.

For the current season, these include such perennial favorites as All You Need is Love, American Idol 7, American Juniors, Anything for Love, Bachelorettes in Alaska, Banzai, Fat and Flatulent, Boot Camp, The Casino, Celebrity Boxing, The Chamber, The Complex, Exhausted, Forever Eden, Happy Pants, Hell's Kitchen, Hide the Banana, Invasion of Hidden Cameras, Ivana Young Man, I Want a Divorce, Joe Millionaire, Jungle Jugs, Krypton Factor, The Littlest Groom, Love Cruise, Married by America, Meet the Marks, Miss Dog Beauty Pageant, Mr. Personality, Murder in Small Town X, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé, Nanny 911, Next Great Champ, Paradise Hotel, Performing As, Pervert Motel, Playing it Straight, Tattoo My Schlong, The Princes of Malibu, The Rebel Billionaire, Renovate My Family, Search for a Playboy Centerfold, Second Chance Idol, Sexiest Bachelor Contest, Simple Life, So You Think You Can Dance, Star Chamber, The Swan, Temptation Island, Thirty Seconds to Fame, Trading Spouses, Trailer Fabulous, Wanted, Who's Your Daddy, Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, World Idol and Zebra Rodeo, as well as syndicated re-runs of older reality shows. Combined, these comprise nearly 95 percent of the network's total broadcast offerings.

"Clustering all of this pseudo-reality into one single production conglomerate was simply pushing nature's boundaries," said Quincy Houghler, an explosive analyst who has specialized in spontaneous combustion events in the world of unscripted entertainment. "The condition that caused the explosion is called 'critical mass'. This precise situation can occur in nuclear weapons production if one collects an excessively large mass of plutonium in one place. The atoms start interacting with each other, density increases, an atomic reaction is initiated, and boom. Closing credits. Same thing here, only with televised fluff."

While Fox Entertainment executives had reportedly been aware of the dangers prior to the explosion, the network had been powerless to respond to what was effectively a reality show mudslide.

"It's an unstoppable force, like a tsunami or an earthquake," said Pupert Morlock, vice president of the studio's North American unit. "They cost nothing to produce, absolutely nothing. No writers, no sets, just a bunch of morons who yearn to make village idiots of themselves, some hidden cameras and some boobs. Plus, we've siphoned off all our creative talent to script Fox News."

"By 2005, it was simply no longer fiscally feasible for Fox to produce any other kind of television," said Willy Brunch, Fox's deputy comptroller. "Sitcoms, documentaries, soaps, game shows, anything of that ilk. We ran the numbers over and over and over again, and all that led to was a new program called 'Running the Numbers'. That debuts next September."

Mr. Morlock said Fox will try to prevent any future explosions by scattering reality show production and management across a wider geographical area and staggering shooting schedules.

"The tragedy also gave us a terrific idea for a new show, 'Who Wants to Rebuild My Studio', which we plan to launch in about three weeks," said Mr. Morlock.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor