Bolton Pushes "Balcony Bling" Poverty Plan at U.N. Reform Conference

New York, September 17, 2005 -- U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations John R. Bolton is making headlines and ruffling feathers this week with a controversial new poverty amelioration plan he terms "Balcony Bling". Bolton, who had been severely critical of U.N. efforts in most arenas prior to his recess appointment as United States representative to the organization, stresses that he sees the need for radical new approaches to, in his opinion, moribund U.N. activities such as the UNDP's poverty reduction program.

"Balcony Bling" is one such new approach, and will be pushed heavily by Bolton for inclusion in the major structural reform package now under discussion by the UN member states.

Richard Grenell, the spokesman for the U.S. mission, said, "Ambassador Bolton's approach is both a dramatic departure and a welcome return to tried-and-true methods of wealth distribution. The mechanism he proposes is simple, time-tested, and requires limited administrative overhead for implementation. We think it's a slam-dunk."

Bolton's proposal, which is detailed in his 918-page "Make an Omelette" brief submitted today to the General Assembly for discussion at the ongoing reform conference, is based on what he terms, "focused, competitive, one-to-one assistance", a departure from the UNDP's more wide-scale poverty reduction techniques, which are generally implemented through the funding of microbusiness establishment, the granting of small-scale loans, agricultural aid and other long-term bottom-up efforts.

"It's a top-down approach, definitely top-down," chuckled a cheerful Bolton during a press conference announcing the plan this morning. "Say you've got money for some starving craphole like Niger or Angola. My plan is you stand on a high balcony in the capital with a megaphone. You get a good crowd around, then you dump the money over the side. No middlemen, straight to the people."

Despite the fact that Bolton, like all Bush administration appointees, is a devout public adherent to "intelligent design" or creationist dogma, the Ambassador used traditional Darwinian terminology to describe his proposal.

"It's plain survival of the fittest," said Bolton. "The ones who push their way closest to the balcony will get the most money. The ones who are sitting back waiting for a handout don't get diddly. Serves them right, too, the lazy bastards. Sometimes I think we should just nuke the whole goddamn useless continent."

Bolton also stressed that the Balcony Bling plan will help imbue the recipients of aid with a healthy respect for the distributing body.

"It's a good worshipful position, milling around beneath a balcony, looking up, supplicating even," Bolton clarified. "I think it's good we get some respect for what we're doing. I was thinking of requiring everybody to kneel before the money drop, but that might look too much like … well, like they brought prayer mats or something, if you know what I mean."

Included in the Bolton plan is an "appreciation oath" that recipients of aid will be required to sign.

"It's nothing complicated, just a simple statement that they promise to adhere to Christian values regarding, you know, Jesus, abortion and eye-for-an-eye and that stuff," said Grenell. "They need to swear eternal allegiance to the United States for granting them this boon, promise to embrace democratic principles in the form of a two-party simple majority representative republic, and, if we have a war on, like now, send at least one child for enlistment in our armed services. Just your basic quid pro quo."

When reminded that a large percentage of the poverty reduction aid package will be funded by nations other than the United States, Grenell replied, "So?"

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor