Bush Fulfills Katrina Vow With Trent Lott Porch Sit

New Orleans, August 9, 2006 -- In the catastrophic aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush warmed and reassured the hearts of Americans with the solemn promise that Senator Trent Lott, whose house had been lost in the hurricane, would receive a new, fantastic house built "out of the rubbles", on the porch of which the President would look forward to sitting. Now that promise has been fulfilled with the visit by President Bush yesterday to Senator Lott's new, 32,000 square foot antebellum-style mansion in central New Orleans, built using part of a record $4.3 billion personal FEMA grant.

The President arrived in his traditional Top Gun style, landing a Navy F-15 with the aid of an experienced co-pilot on the lower lawn of the extensive Lott grounds and alighting with a grin and the cheery quip, "Fuckin'-A, Trent!" Bush immediately proceeded to the porch, where he sat flanked by three-story colonnades in gleaming white and enjoyed a virgin daiquiri. "Fantastic house, Trent," the President raved before slipping into his traditional late-morning nap.

The rebuilding of Senator Lott's New Orleans residence is a tale of triumph overcoming tragedy in the true American spirit. It began mere minutes after Bush's famous "porch" assertion, with a personal grant by then-director of FEMA Michael Brown, who was in attendance at the briefing, to Mr. Lott. Owing perhaps to the chaos and confusion of the time, Mr. Brown erred slightly when filling in the check's amount, granting Mr. Lott $4.3 billion in emergency rebuilding funds rather than the $430,000 he claims to have intended.

"It was a crazy time," said Mr. Brown, "worse than the semi-finals at the Denver Arabian Yearling Dressage Pavilion, and let me tell you, I was under a hell of a lot of pressure then. Some of those yearlings bite. I think I was a little short on sleep and margaritas. Trent's been a real gentleman about the whole thing, though."

Mr. Lott, questioned by reporters regarding the propriety of accepting such a large government grant for rebuilding when there were so many far less fortunate others in need, replied: "It's tax money, which was my money in the first place, isn't it? Why the heck would I give it back?"

In another amusing mix-up, Lott also admitted that when he told President Bush that his house had been lost, what he had really meant was "misplaced".

"I have about five or six of them, you know," the senator said. "Plus my yacht, the General Lee. You try keeping track of six houses. I thought I'd left it in the Garden District, but I hadn't been down here for about 18 months and wasn't sure. It turned up later in Audubon Park. Lost about three roof tiles. I did lose one in Pascagoula, but I never used that much anyway. Had a nice set of golf clubs there, though, damn."

Lott's new house, which he said he plans to use "occasionally, for entertaining and such, and maybe during Mardi Gras," is a classic three-story plantation-style mansion reminiscent of Gone With the Wind's Tara. With 34 rooms, including a 7,000 square foot ballroom and an 80-seat dining table, it evokes the bygone glory of the South's antebellum magnificence. Covering eight full blocks of what used to be central New Orleans, the grounds extend from the structure in a sweeping vista of gardenias, magnolias, cotton fields, and little wooden shacks down near the bottom.

"Those are for my guest laborers," said Lott. "Mostly Mexican. They trim the hedges and pick the cotton. Best part is, I can deport them every two weeks right before payday. Don't cost me a dime!"

Lott said he was able to build such a large property in what would normally be a crowded urban district due to the sudden fall in real estate prices following Hurricane Katrina.

"Brownie's check helped, of course, but after everyone took off in terror and before the toxic waste was cleaned up I could pick up properties for only ten cents on the dollar," Senator Lott said. "It was beautiful. I'll show you the deeds, if you like. I've got them right here in my carpetbag."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor