In Quest for Conservative Credentials, McCain Burns Witch

Alexandria, Virginia, February 12, 2008 -- Republican presidential candidate John McCain burned a witch yesterday outside his campaign headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia, in a gesture some political analysts believe was intended to dispel accusations by rivals that the political veteran may possess dangerously moderate tendencies.

The witch, a suburban mother of two who was found not only to have been a subscriber to The Nation magazine but who also enjoyed listening to Melissa Etheridge, was unavailable for comment following her reduction to a lump of liberal carbon by Mr. McCain.

Conservative opinion-makers appeared unimpressed by the spectacle. Hearing-impaired right-wing radio hate-gossip promulgator, draft dodger, narcotics addict and cigar fetishist Rush Limbaugh, for one, was strongly dismissive of Mr. McCain's action:

“John McCain thinks he's fooling anybody by burning ONE witch? Who does that closet liberal McCain think he's kidding? Anybody can burn ONE witch. That pansy. I burned five today before my morning loaf. And I'm here to tell you, if either of these two guys [McCain or Huckabee] get the nomination, it's going to destroy the Republican Party, it's going to change it forever, be the end of it. A lot of people aren't going to vote. You watch. ONE witch? My ASS.”

A talk-radio analyst for Media Weekly, Shelby Thorndike, said he believes Mr. Limbaugh, in his concluding statement, was referring to the small, harmless cyst on Mr. Limbaugh's rectum that tragically prevented the avid war hawk from serving in Vietnam.

Mike Huckabee, who is currently running a close third after John McCain and Mitt Romney in the quest for Republican primary delegates, countered Mr. McCain's provocation by informing law enforcement on Thursday that two of his own grandchildren—Abiasaph, 8, and Abishaq, 5—were found in possession of several Thomas the Tank Engine toys containing illegal quantities of Chinese lead, a controlled substance. Under the Huckabee household's “three strikes” rules, the children will each receive 30 years in a federal penitentiary with no possibility of parole.

“God's will be done,” Mr. Huckabee is reported to have said as the tiny, head-bagged, foot-shackled felons were thrown shrieking into an ATF van.

Not to be outdone, candidate Mitt Romney, formerly a popular governor of liberal bastion Massachusetts, yesterday personally escorted the entire staff of his Belmont, MA estate, consisting of two maids, a butler, three housekeepers, five gardeners, four chefs, a pool boy, a chauffeur, a very hot Finnish nanny and a shiatsu specialist, all illegal immigrants from various corners of the globe, via helicopter to international waters ten miles off the Cape Cod coast, where they were summarily deported at 4,000 feet.

“I'd be surprised not to see a war of escalation at this point,” Wolf Blitzer, host of CNN's Vacuous Room, an afternoon filler show that periodically mumbles about election-related issues, said. “At this point, something like a war of escalation is what we're expecting to see. CNN is predicting, as you can see on this chart, and if you'll note the red numbers up here on the chart, can I have the red numbers please, these red numbers here on the chart, that a war of escalation in the area of conservative credentials is in the, if you will, offing.”

Insisting that his motives were “completely apolitical”, a spokesman for the John McCain for President campaign said the Republican candidate was unable to provide further comment at this time as he is currently “strafing clean the sodomite-sullied streets of San Francisco” in an Army-surplus F-14 Tomcat.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor