Bolton Banned For UN Canteen Brawl

New York, NY, October 19, 2005 -- Only two months into his controversial recess appointment as U.S. Representative to the United Nations, John R. Bolton is in hot water following fisticuffs at the UN canteen. Bolton's short record at the UN has been a rocky one, beginning on a low point with his official welcome address to the General Assembly, titled "No UN, No Cry", and culminating in yesterday's altercation. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan assured reporters at a press conference held this morning to discuss the incident that Bolton has the continued full support of the Bush Administration.

The brouhaha apparently began when Bolton entered the United Nations canteen during a lunch recess of the second day of Security Council deliberations on "Whether to Let Other Little Dirt Bag Countries In". Bolton had earlier raised the hackles of several delegates by taunting them with snide remarks regarding their countries' nuclear capabilities during Council discussions, and had then retired to an off-track betting establishment several blocks from the headquarters prior to arriving at the canteen. According to eyewitnesses, by the time Bolton arrived for lunch there were no shrimp left, only cocktail sauce, and the few remaining canapes were both vegetarian and cold.

A large number of the assembled delegates, who had already finished lunch and were enjoying coffee and cakes, began to titter, with one going so far as to ask Bolton whether he had a weapon of mass destruction in his pocket. At this point Bolton began screaming "You stupid foreigners, get me a steak. And some beer. I've paid my dues, God damn it," at the delegates, catering staff, and a camera crew who were in the canteen on an unrelated errand.

Ambassador Abdallah Baali, Permanent Representative of Algeria to the UN, took exception to Bolton's tone, saying "Pipe down, Bolton. Lunch is having served for more than one hour, and you are late." Ambassador Mihnea Ioan Motoc of Romania, current President of the Security Council, also intervened, requesting that Bolton "take a chill pill" and remove himself from the premises for "private deliberation," at which point Bolton overturned a dining tray cart and began throwing apples and hurling epithets at the shocked delegates. He persisted until UN security personnel, whom he attacked physically, subdued him with multiple Taser shocks.

According to Mr. McClellan, "Ambassador Bolton has always been a strong man, with strong ideals, strong values, and a strong temper, and that's the kind of man we need at the UN. That's why he was selected by the president, and that's the kind of man we need at the UN. He has always had strong values and strong ideals, and he has the full support of the president in all his endeavors. Ambassador Bolton is a valued supporter of our foreign policy and a close friend of the president, and he has the full confidence and support of the president."

The United Nations Security Council was not so forgiving, however, citing Bolton with his third Unambassadorial Conduct charge and banning him from the United Nations headquarters and all United Nations properties.

"He's a clear security risk," says Pleury Fierer, Chief of Security at United Nations headquarters. "How do we know he won't be carrying a grenade in his pocket next time?"

Mr. McClellan confirmed that Ambassador Bolton has been permanently banned from all United Nations premises, but assured reporters that will have no negative impact on his ability to perform his duties.

"He's still the Ambassador, and he still has the full support and confidence of the president in his capacity as the United States Permanent Representative to the United Nations. He just won't be able to attend the meetings, that's all."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor