President Frist: War on Indecent Exposure Will Be Lengthy

Washington, D.C., March 19, 2013 -- U.S. President Bill Frist, briefing reporters on the status of the ongoing War on Indecent Exposure in the White House Rose Garden this afternoon, said "Significant milestones are being achieved every day, but there's no doubt in my mind this war will be a long one."

President Frist "keeps his eye on the ball" in the War on Indecent Exposure

President Frist said the White House intends to "stand by its resolve to continue rooting out pockets of indecent exposure across the world by every means at our disposal, as long as the means is militarily. We've got to keep our eye on the ball."

The War on Indecent Exposure, unilaterally declared by President Frist eighteen months ago in response to a coordinated series of flasher incidents in New York City and Washington, D.C. in September, 2011, rapidly gained domestic and international public support following Frist's bold challenge to practitioners of the indecent exposure ideology that "We'll bomb their damn clothes off. That'll teach them some manners."

The subsequent worldwide campaign of military incursions, targeted air strikes and establishment of puppet regimes sympathetic to the War on Indecent Exposure has been described by observers as "a mixed success". Indecent exposure incidents continue to mount, while the U.S. continues to allocate greater and greater military resources toward blowing the clothes off known and potential "indecentists".

"We want to make it perfectly clear to both civilians and foreign governments that the United States will not tolerate the aiding and abetting of indecentism. You're either with us or against us," President Frist has said repeatedly. The President has vowed military strikes or tough economic sanctions – particularly targeting the volatile textile industry – on any government found to be complicit in the growing wave of international indecent exposure.

"Any government that aligns itself with indecentism will be isolated from international trade and bled dry," President Frist said. "First to go will be clothing imports."

Yet despite the vigorousness of the Frist-led effort, the frequency of indecent exposure incidents continues to mount, with new perplexing pockets of indecentism popping up on a regular basis. Some observers believe the paradoxically growing wave may be an unintended by-product of "collateral damage" in the prosecution of the War on Indecent Exposure.

"Our special humane anti-apparel bombs are highly precision-targeted," said Commander Charles "Chuck" Woolery, leader of the Special Task Force on Indecent Exposure, "but the indecentists are pretty wily and tend to hide themselves among ordinary civilians, popping out when you least expect it. When we send a laser- or satellite- guided weapon into a village, there's not a lot we can do if the clothes also happen to get blown off of people we weren't specifically targeting, like friends, family members, wedding guests, or just people who happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's the cost of war, and frankly I think they bring it on themselves."

"Besides," he continued, "once the dust settles, what do you see? A bunch of dazed and angry indecentists. Surprise, surprise, they were there along. So we're generally proven right in the long run."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor