Chief Justice Roberts Jolts Court With Witch Trial Push

Washington, D.C., February 11, 2006 -- United States Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. startled observers and fellow justices yesterday by calling for the Supreme Court to spearhead a new struggle to root out, prosecute, and punish witches. While it is rare and, according to some constitutional scholars, unethical for a member of the Supreme Court to assume such an overtly activist position on any particular issue, Chief Justice Roberts, in announcing his initiative, said "I don't give a rat's posterior. If you don't like it, fire me."

According to Chief Justice Roberts, witches and other "unholy mischief-makers" present a serious and increasing peril to the fragile fabric of American society, and witch-related trials should merit top prioritization on the court's docket. He called for a reexamination of the documents related to the famed Salem witch trials of 1692, with a view to unearthing prosecutorial and evaluative methods that could be pertinent to any ongoing legal actions against witches, necromancers, sorcerers, occultists, and she-demons.

As the Supreme Court is powerless to pursue any given agenda prior to a relevant case being presented before it, Roberts has called on lower courts throughout the nation to examine their dockets for witch-related proceedings, and to "bump them uphill" if they find any. He further stated that prosecutors in any such trials could count on a "God-fearing, receptive and vengeful ear".

Roberts' announcement met with shock on the part of the diminutive, embattled liberal wing of the court, shrugs from the single moderate, and apparent glee from the remaining neo-conservative activist members.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, "It's not merely shocking, it's appalling. First of all, no Supreme Court Justice has any right to make such a pronouncement – it's completely unethical and flatly contradicts every assertion of impartiality Roberts made during his confirmation hearings. Furthermore, the very suggestion is ludicrous. With all due respect to my esteemed colleague, he has bats in his belfry. This is yet another reason why there should be term limits imposed on court justices, although getting that done would require a battle that would end up – you guessed it – here. And I think we all know where that would lead."

Justice Stephen Breyer, generally considered one of the more moderate and pragmatic members of the court, took a somewhat resigned view of the development. "It is, of course, Justice Roberts' prerogative to make any kind of statement and announce any particular agenda he wishes, although I cannot deny that statements of this kind may color perceptions of the court's impartiality when dealing with specific issues of constitutional law. Still, my esteemed colleague did not, at least, specifically announce any intent to burn purported witches at the stake. So that's something."

Justice Roberts, following up on his initial declaration, added that he "intended to burn the fulsome she-devils in a pitch-fueled fire of hell. We will scorch their ruined, Satan-addled souls with the kerosene of holy justice. Now let's play ball."

Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, speaking in unison, said that they were pleased with their colleague's "forthrightness and can-do attitude" and that they would do everything in their power to support him in his crusade. They then excused themselves from the interview and skipped across a nearby meadow hand in hand, singing prettily.

Former Chief Justice Rehnquist, deceased, commented through a medium that he is "with Johnny all the way. And don't just stop with witches, cowboy. There's plenty more out there to burn. You know who I'm talking about."

The United States Congress, which approved Roberts for the post of Chief Justice in September of last year, could not be reached for comment.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor