Limbo Eliminated; Status of Purgatory in 'State of Limbo'

Rome, Italy February 12, 2006 -- The new catechism of Roman Catholic doctrine that did away with Limbo and was approved by Pope Benedict XVI in the middle of December 2005 threw the state of Limbo into a state of chaos. This catechism changing the eternal residence for those souls included in both the Limbo of the Fathers (limbus partum) and Limbo of Children (limbus infantium) by moving them straight to Heaven has left many souls wondering what happened and why.

“Operations in Limbo have been running smoothly for the last eight centuries and then, out of nowhere *POOF* everybody is gone,” said Micah Herschisinger, the former Director of Operations in Limbo who, prior to the new catechism, was responsible for the eternal care of approximately 6.4 billion souls of unbaptized and aborted infants and the 72 righteous Hebrew prophets who lived before Jesus Christ was born.

“It really surprised me when I heard Cardinal Joe [Joseph Ratzinger (Pope Benedict XVI)] make the announcement. I thought it was a mistake or some holy joke because I had not received any memo about any changes,” Mr. Herschisinger admitted. “Of course, I had heard rumors about some type of heavenly restructuring to be undertaken, but souls are always gossiping and I’ve been hearing this stuff since the 16th century.”

Mr. Herschisinger, along with the entire managed care staff of 4.8 billion souls, is a resident of Purgatory (Purgatorian) who makes the daily commute to Limbo to take care of the souls there (Limboids). “I really enjoyed my time working in Limbo, but I’m sure the Heavenly Board of Directors had their reasons for closing down Limbo,” said Mr. Herschisinger as he hurriedly packed up all his heavenly belongings from his office in an attempt to catch the 5 o’clock commuter cloud back to Purgatory.

Others were more outspoken with regard to the change. Wilma Brock, a former employee at prenatal care unit 368-25B (Section 5) in Limbo, said, “I was very upset. We had just moved into our brand new facility and begun computer training when all of a sudden every little baby soul was gone and we had nothing to do. The timing was also horrible in the sense that it happened right before the holidays. That really made for an even more boring holiday season in Purgatory than usual. It was Hell.”

When contacted with regard to this article, God’s spokesangel Gabriel responded via email that, “God does not have time to respond to the earthly media questioning every move that the omniscient One makes. Have ye faith that his decisions are made with the best interests of Heaven and its Catholic shareholders in mind.” Gabriel closed his message boldly stating, “You do remember the big flood, right?”

Fernando de la Vigueres, a critical heavenly observer for the weekly Purgatorian news magazine Divine Intervention said he was not surprised by either the Limbo catechism or the way they have handled the media, stating, “God and his close group of cronies that make up the Heavenly Board of Directors have always taken a ‘greater than thou’ approach when dealing with issues that affect billions of past, present and future souls. Sure, they are loving, but they can be pretty tough as well with all of that fire and brimstone stuff – hence the flood comment.”

Many speculate the move was prompted by pressures on heaven these days that were merely laughable ideas just a century ago. Mr. de la Vigueres summed this up as, “Over the last few decades Heavenly management has been forced to undertake many cost-cutting measures through outsourcing, restructuring, acceptance quotas, etc. The access to information on the earthly plane has truly upped the ante in the competition for souls and they have been forced to move away from some of their beloved hazy concepts like Limbo and be required to have a more inclusive and straightforward message.”

“It’s kind of funny actually,” Mr. de la Vigueres chuckled, “that a group that sees things in such a black and white manner have ended up with so many gray areas of belief.”

When asked about where Purgatory fits in this new scheme, Mr. de la Vigueres said, “to be honest, Purgatory, as a concept, is even tougher for most people to understand than Limbo ever was, and I would presume that the all-knowing management realizes this as well. I guess that we will just have to wait and see what happens, but I believe that Purgatory is now in Limbo.”

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer