Al-Qaeda Hires Blackwater

Moyock, North Carolina, July 8, 2008 -- While the United States continues to wage its war on terror in locations where terrorists are not originally present, Al-Qaeda (also known as: al-Qaida or al-Qa'ida or al-Qa'idah or al-¿Que?duh) has been stretched to its limits sending terrorists and trainers to assist locals fighting the Americans.

This situation has left Al-Qaeda short on bodies to protect their primary assets and leaders in the hills of Afghanistan bordering Pakistan. Thus, Al-Qaeda has hired the American private military security firm Blackwater USA (formerly Blackwater Worldwide) to protect many of these bases, caves and training camps.

Abu Ali Baqliyya, Al-Qaeda's Senior Vice President of Asset Management and Shawarma Supply, recently posted this comment on the Al-Qaeda-sympathetic website www.WWOD.com (What Would Osama Do?): "The great Satan was very sly in sending his infidel troops to Iraq and waging war. What were we supposed to do? Sit here in the hills and watch the poppies grow? No! We had to send our own children of God to Iraq to introduce our innocent brothers to the ways of terror. The same goes for the other fronts were the lying Satan says there are terrorists. We are now spread too thin and need the assistance of Blackwater so that our great Jihad may continue."

With regard to a forum question posted relating to working with Americans guarding their assets, Mr. Baqliyya posted, "Although many infidels trained by the great satan work for Blackwater, we feel it is in the best interest of Allah and our cause to employ these pig eating sinners to protect our great Jihad. Also they are tougher than overcooked guss and have tempers as hot as the hottest skhug. We like that." He concluded his lengthy post stating that, "As long as the Blackwater boys get paid and can bring home what they call 'the bacon,' they will be fine guards and fighters."

Blackwater USA is a private military security firm that was founded in 1997 by a former Navy SEAL. It has grown to a multi-billion dollar corporation due to its leading role in continuing the escalation of violence in Iraq from 2003 to the present day through prestigious contracts with the U.S. military. Another major source of income has been Blackwater's online store where they sell hats, socks and other items that tough people need in order to harm others in the name of the causes of peace, security, democracy, freedom, personal gain or profit. Blackwater itself is dedicated to providing, as stated on their website, "efficient and effective turnkey solutions that positively impact the lives of those still caught in desperate times".

While Blackwater USA officials have declined numerous attempts to respond to this article, a former senior U.S. government official who has been on the Blackwater payroll for over a decade, including during his time in a government capacity, has come forward claiming to be familiar with the negotiations related to the contract between al-Qaeda and Blackwater USA. This former official, who wishes to remain anonymous and will be referred to by his self-chosen codename 'Ronald Dumsfeld' said, "From the very beginning Blackwater and al-Qaeda were on the same page and compliment each other's style of fighting well. Blackwater's knack for needlessly escalating force and over-reacting to situations whilst remaining outside the law was clearly demonstrated over and over again in Iraq." Mr. Dumsfeld continued, "al-Qaeda officials really liked that aspect and felt this would fit right into their terrorist agenda."

When asked about how he thinks the Blackwater contractors would react if they were confronted with the prospect of fighting other Americans, Mr. Dumsfeld laughed and said, "That's not a concern at all. As long as this President is in office American troops won't be seriously looking for real terrorists. Al Qaeda's concern is more about Afghan shepherds getting into their tahini stash."

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer