Taliban Strengthen Grip on People's Republic of South Dakota

South Dakota-Nebraska Border Region, July 19, 2011 -- According to a classified report leaked by the Department of Homeland Insecurity, elements of the radical fundamentalist Taliban are reported to have gained significant ground in the rocky and windswept hillsides of the breakaway Democratic People's Republic of South Dakota.

Breakaway Democratic People's Republic of South Dakota

While communication from this remote and inaccessible region is sporadic at best, several reports have also indicated Osama bin Laden may have abandoned his long-time hideout in Pakistan in favor of South Dakota's more reliably repressive environment.

"Nobody's come in and nobody's come out since the borders closed back in 2008, that we know of," said Lieutenant Albert Finespeckle, commander of one of the main guard posts bordering the breakaway republic. "But it's a long border and we know there are a few cracks where these guys could still sneak in."

The Taliban are believed to be attracted to the Democratic People's Republic of South Dakota primarily due to its record of uncompromising repression, particularly in comparison to Afghanistan which, despite continuing violence from resurgent warlords and Taliban militants, offers some rudimentary freedoms for its women not to be found in South Dakota.

Since the former state seceded from the union under the leadership of His Supreme Excrescence Mike Rounds, the theocratic dictatorship has grown increasingly insular and fundamentalist, successively stripping women of virtually all rights and adopting increasingly strict and merciless forms of punishment for infractions that would be considered slight in most democratic nations. President Bill Frist, however, has long been reluctant to respond militarily to developments in the region due in part to South Dakota's extensive nuclear weapons capabilities and in part to "a general confluence of values".

"Granted, they may takes things to a bit of an extreme in the People's Republic of S.D., but their general ideals and concepts are sound," Phibbit Bartley, President Frist's Press Secretary, said in an earlier interview. "Still, there's no denying it's a paradise for someone like Osama bin Laden. All the comforts of home, plus reliable electricity, running water and telephone communications. I expect he'll be hanging around in that area for years, if not decades."

South Dakota's secession from the union, which paved the way for its theocratic takeover and eventual embrace by the Taliban, began in early 2006 when then-Governor Rounds signed into law a bill making abortion illegal for virtually any reason whatsoever, with the single possible exception of deeply religious virgins who had been raped and, in the event that they had been impregnated by their rapist, were not aware of the fact.

This flagrantly unconstitutional law paved the way for a swath of new regressive measures limiting the rights of women that quickly moved South Dakota further and further away from American beliefs, ideals, and constitutionality, and closer and closer to those beliefs followed by the most violent extremist religious fundamentalists in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

South Dakota closed its borders for the first time in 2008, and officially seceded in 2010, reforming as a theocracy ruled by Supreme Excrescence Rounds and Oleaginous Clerics Bill Napoli and Roger Hunt, both formerly Republican State Representatives.

Currently, there are over 2,119 capital crimes applicable solely to women on the books in the Democratic People's Republic of South Dakota. These include menstruation within six weeks following intercourse, driving a motorized vehicle, working outside the home, failing to serve dinner on time or fold laundry correctly, failing to carry a fetus to term after being raped, and going to school or shopping in public without first procuring a Household Duty Waiver from a husband, brother, father or uncle.

Due in part to the covert exodus sparked by the measures, increasingly frequent summary executions, and the fact the limited population growth still continuing in the state is virtually all by means of the rape of so-called "infidels" by fanatical Christian fundamentalists wishing to procreate with impunity, the People's Republic of South Dakota is estimated to have less than 64,000 residents remaining, down from about 800,000 in 2006. The total Taliban population is unknown, but is estimated to be in the 10,000 range.

"So as I see it, it's really just a gnat on the radar," Mr. Bartley said. "If Osama and the Taliban want to hang out there, big deal. At least we know more or less where they are. We have much bigger problems to worry about, like our 450,000 troops still fighting the million-strong Iran-Iraq Shiite Death-to-America brigades overseas."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor