President Bush 'Ownz' on Runescape

Washington, January 14, 2007 -- Prior to the November 7 midterm elections, many political analysts wondered how President Bush would handle the last two years of his presidency if the Democrats seized control of the Congress. Nearly all agreed it would be a lonely time for a President accustomed to being surrounded by friends in Congress. None of the analyst's observations included the possibility that President Bush would retreat from the world stage to the world of online gaming.

McDonald's, Seeking Greener Image, to Offer Sun-Dried Coca-Cola

Oak Brook, IL, March 16, 2010 -- McDonald's, the globe-girdling fast food purveyor that has been criticized for peddling consumers consistently unhealthy food, announced yesterday its intention to begin offering "healthier choice" sun-dried alternatives. A spokesman for McDonald's said the company will be rolling out the sun-dried products in a selected range of major market areas during a preliminary testing phase, with worldwide adoption to follow.

Collection of McDonald's sun-dried hamburgers awaiting the fryerCollection of McDonald's sun-dried hamburgers awaiting the fryer

China First With Citizen RFID Implants

Beijing, March 19, 2010 -- A press release issued by the Chinese government today announced the countrywide implementation of a new high-tech tracking initiative designed to "increase security and prosperity for all citizens of the People's Republic of China."

The plan, detailed by Zhou Bo Kai, chief executive of China's Ministry of Public Security, will involve the implantation of long-range, high-frequency RFID devices in every one of China's estimated 1.4 billion citizens over the next 18 months.

Kansas Education Board Touts Flat Earth Curriculum

May 11, 2006 -- The Kansas Education Board, which gained new momentum in its efforts to "de-emphasize" rational scientific inquiry after a decision last November requiring Kansas teachers to define the widely accepted theory of evolution as "godless Communist propaganda" in favor of creationism, also known as intelligent design, is now promoting a full-fledged faith-based curriculum touted by the board as "the One True Way".

Earth (side view)Earth (side view)

Kobe Bryant Clones Debut in 100% Kobe Bryant- Derived LA Kobe Bryants

Los Angeles, November 3, 2023 -- Cloned progeny of legendary basketball superstar Kobe Bryant will at last be making their NBA debut this Sunday as the newly-launched LA Kobe Bryants meet local rival the LA Chamberlains at Staples Arena in Los Angeles.

LA Kobe Bryants, Team PhotoLA Kobe Bryants, Team Photo

God Contrite About "Collateral Damage" in Huckabee Tornado Smite Attempt

Omnipresence, February 8, 2008 -- God, ruler of the universe and supreme arbiter of the weather, said today He was "deeply sorry" for the many casualties incurred during His attempt to smite Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee with a tornado during Super Tuesday primary election voting earlier this week.

Over 45 people were killed in the Southern states of Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee, and Kentucky when multiple tornadoes touched down with devastating results during the biggest day so far in the Republican and Democratic primary election season.

Auditions Begin Today For Bush's Experimental New "Reality Cabinet"

Washington, D.C., February 2, 2007 -- Following the indictment and/or resignation in 2005 and 2006 of virtually the entire West Wing of the White House, President George W. Bush will be trying a new, experimental approach to governing for the remainder of his term with a so-called "reality cabinet" modeled on the popular format used by roughly 33,502 different, if hauntingly similar, television programs.

White House Identified as Source of Massive Issue Spam

Washington, D.C., September 22, 2006 -- Investigators with the FCC announced today they have conclusively determined the White House to be the source of the chatty pro-Bush and pro-Republican "issue emails" that clogged an estimated 164 million American email inboxes last week.

While the rules regarding unsolicited political email are even fuzzier than those detailed in the CAN-SPAM Act regulating commercial email, a spokesman for the FCC did not rule out the possibility that criminal charges would be pursued.

Cheney Showcases New Detainee "Gimp Suit" Torture Apparel

Washington, D.C., January 12, 2006 -- Vice President Cheney, who remains one of the most strident voices in the Bush administration pushing for relaxed guidelines on the treatment of so-called detainees, appeared at the White House Rose Garden yesterday wearing the gimp suit that he is now championing as a potential cornerstone of "coercive interrogation", the administration code phrase for torture.

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