USA Patriot Act To Ease Deficit With Pay-Per-View "Candid Americams"

Washington, D.C., November 26, 2005 -- Republican proponents of the USA Patriot Act are proposing a new provision they say will provide a fiscal silver lining to the controversial surveillance measure, but some privacy advocates are up in arms about what they see as an intolerable intrusion on privacy and civil liberties.

The new provision, called Candid Americams, will allow for the broadcast on federally administered pay-per-view internet sites of surveillance material gathered using tools provided by the Patriot Act. Senator Bill Frist, a leading Patriot Act advocate, says the General Accounting Office projects revenue generated through the Candid Americams provision will be enough to offset nearly one quarter of the proposed $70 billion in tax cuts to the wealthy included in the 2006 budget proposal.

The USA Patriot Act (or Undersexed Senators Advocating Peeping on Americans To Reach Increased Onanistic Titillation) was put into effect in the panicky aftermath of September 11th after a lengthy deliberative process, the duration of which was unquantifiable due to quantum uncertainty principles.

Senator Frist says the Candid Americams provisions of the USA Patriot Act will provide "increased transparency in both government and private life, which will strengthen the bonds of citizenship and civic-mindedness for all Americans" at the same time as they generate a windfall revenue stream for the federal government.

According to Senator Frist, covert government surveillance of ordinary Americans, which is viewed as permissible and encouraged under the Patriot Act, has resulted in "thousands upon thousands of hours of high-quality video data of Americans at home, at work, and relaxing together in the socially-strengthening bonds of wholesome matrimonial congress."

Through the Candid Americams internet websites, Senator Frist proposes providing these Patriot Act video streams in a wide variety of formats to "anyone with a credit card who is over the age of 18".

"We have a whole team of our best people looking into how these things are normally done on the web," said Senator Frist. "Our Hot Asian Teens team has already returned with some excellent preliminary information, but said there is more research to be done before issuing a final recommendation. They've requested an extension to their fact-finding mission and plan to report sometime within the next few weeks."

The Patriot Act Candid Americams websites, according to Senator Frist, will also have the capability of providing live feeds to be broadcast directly from standard and infrared cameras located in American living rooms, bedrooms and showers to the internet via military satellite uplinks, at a slight surcharge.

"Live performances, I'm told, are always worth a premium," said Mr. Frist.

The Patriot Act Candid Americams website will go public "sometime in the next two to three months", with initial prices set at $29.95 for a monthly subscription, or $199 for an entire year.

"We think a majority of shopping-savvy Americans will be encouraged to purchase the full-year subscription," said Mr. Frist. "To encourage them to do so, we're providing a special geo-targeted service that will allow full-year customers to 'zoom in' on the nocturnal activities of their immediate friends and neighbors. All they need is a telephone number or a postal address."

"This will also be a useful boost to our highly successful 'Operation TIPS' program," continued Frist, "which encourages neighbors to spy on each other for potential terrorist or subversive activities. We like to think of the federal government as a big, brotherly enabler. With the help of the extra eyes provided by Candid Americams and the new one-click PTSDR (Potential Terrorist or Sexual Deviant Report) function, people will pretty much have to assume someone somewhere is watching them all the time, day or night, with their finger hovering over the button. That's good for security, and that's good for America."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor