Washington, DC January 17, 2011 -- Whirlpool (WHR: NYSE) stocks surged fifteen percent today on the release of their latest “must have consumer appliance,” the Macrowave Non-Oven™. The Whirlpool Corporation, marketers of Whirlpool, KitchenAid, Brastemp, Bauknecht, Consul and other major brand names, has seen its marketshare decline in recent years and has put all it can into this appliance that can be used to quickly chill foods and beverages.

“The Macrowave will do to refrigeration what the microwave did to cooking” said Whirlpool CEO Edmund Silver in a press conference today.

Okefenokee National Wildlife Refuge, Florida, January 31, 2008 -- One-time Republican presidential frontrunner and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani issued a heartfelt and occasionally tear-filled appeal to leading Republican candidates John McCain and Mitt Romney for “a little bit of freaking attention” following his unimpressive 13% showing in yesterday's Republican primary election in Florida.

Los Angeles, November 14, 2011 -- A previously unknown peasant from the remote hillsides of northern Ecuador, Jorge Rafael Montalvo, has been selected as People's Sexiest Man Alive 2011, a spokesman for the popular human-interest magazine announced today. A stunned and disoriented Mr. Montalvo was revealed to members of the press during a gala celebration in his honor tonight in Los Angeles.

Ecuador

Duluth, February 3, 2008 -- A humiliated senior advisor to the Mitt Romney for President campaign admitted yesterday that he on several occasions had “tried to score” HGH, human growth hormone, from members of the John McCain campaign.

The advisor, who agreed to talk to reporters on the condition that he not be identified, said the HGH was not intended for his own use, but rather for Mr. Romney himself, whom the advisor described as a “first-class weenie”.