Priest Caught Selling Absolution on eBay
Bronx, New York, May 12, 2009 -- A Catholic priest from the Norwood neighbourhood of Bronx, New York, has been charged with selling absolution via an account on eBay, the popular online auction website.
An example of Father Butler's laminated absolution card
Greeting Card Writer Joins Bush Staff
Washington, D.C. February 22, 2006 -- Due to the recent spate of early resignations and arrests, the Bush administration has been crippled by a lack of experienced staff in key positions. Scott McClellan today announced that the search for an experienced deputy chief of staff to replace the convicted Karl “Turd Blossom” Rove would be former greeting card writer Sherman Alberts.
Routine Oval Office Search Uncovers Used Harriet Miers Litmus Test
Washington, D.C., October 19, 2005 -- A routine sweep of the White House Oval Office, performed every second Tuesday by the president's Secret Service staff to detect bugging devices and explosives, unexpectedly turned up an embarrassing remnant yesterday near the presidential wastebasket: a used litmus test.
A litmus test similar to the one discovered in the Oval Office.: The actual results of the Miers litmus test have not been disclosed.
Right Clarifies Moral Confusion With Don't Kill Me Canon
Washington, D.C., July 19, 2007 -- A coalition of American conservatives led by Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, Dr. James Dobson and Newt Gingrich issued yesterday the "Don't Kill Me" Canon, intended to crystallize some of the right wing's often incompatible moral imperatives into a simple, easy-to-remember catch-phrase, "Don't Kill Me". The Canon seeks to provide an consistent ethical foundation for the right wing's various positions on the death penalty, abortion, euthanasia and preemptive warfare.
Top Christmas Gift Gadgets 2005-2105: A Retrospective
Lohrngollivo, December 15, 2105 -- The Avant News team has spent literally minutes poring over our voluminous archival records to bring you a snapshot of some of the most popular gadgets purchased, wrapped, gift-carded and inflicted on loved ones as Christmas and holiday presents over the past 100 years. Following are what we, based on our extensive research, have selected as a few of the top gadget gifts of the century:
Special Report: The 84th Annual Academy Awards
Kodak Theatre, Hollywood, CA, March 5, 2014 -- Drum roll, please. Mere minutes ago, the fateful envelopes were shred. The stars were studded, the gala splendiferous, the suspense: deadly.
Nuclear Device Destroys Crawford, Texas
Waco, Texas, September 18, 2008 -- A nuclear detonation reduced most of Crawford, Texas to rubble yesterday morning, a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security's KABUM Dept., who were last to the scene, said today.
Mortally curious badger
Former President George W. Bush Credited With Saddam Hussein Acquittal
Baghdad, Iraq, April 22, 2010 -- Yesterday's surprising acquittal of deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein on all counts has been linked to policies and procedures developed and used by former president George W. Bush, Lionel Thrush, a legal analyst with the Legal Analysis Institute for Legal Analysis, said today.
Deposed dictator Saddam Hussein thanking former president George W. Bush for inadvertently orchestrating his acquittal
Metalloids Depose Noble Gases in Bloodless Revolution
Mendeleev, Utah, March 9, 2071 -- In a dramatic development that may permanently alter the political landscape of the periodic table, a group of revolutionary metalloids has overthrown the royal house of the noble gases in what has been described as a "violent yet bloodless revolution".
Glorious Revolutionary Leader President King Antimony
A spokesman for the metalloids announced the group's intention to install a democratic government based on the principles of "liberty, equality, and covalence".
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