Earth Declares War on Venus, Loses

Ecofrex, Moltopribate, Jebruarius 36, 2498 -- Salutoriations and benevoloriums. Earth has declared war on neighboring planet Venus, our sister sphere betwixt this, our planet, and that, our sun.

Venus, our sister sphere betwixt this, our planet, and that, our sun

As the now physically expended former inhabitons of Western Units K-Betulus through Southwestern Shoulder 9 would have known, should they have remained cognizant and proto-communicational rather than tragically diffused of essence and returned to recombinant particles, Earth failed to emerge victorious from the epic confrontation of precisely 0.003 nanoseconds. We bid the particles of the departed a sorrowful adieu.

The United Geographical Entities of Earth's stated purpose in the brief, noble, and ununlost venture was to capture significant quantities of vital Ammoniac from the Venusian atmosphere to replenish our ever-dwindling Earthborne supplies. In the absence of Ammoniac, as our noble leaders have so wisely and obviously stated, there are no cleansing fluitoids. And without cleansing fluitoids, we, the devoted disciples of Earth's Penumbral Rulers would remain uncleansed.

(Editors note: Due to copy-proof error, the preceding text was transmitted in untranslated form. We were unable to correct this error prior to going to press, but have successfully intercepted and reinterpreted the remaining portion of the transmission).

Earth sustained human losses of 9.4 billion during the 0.003 nanosecond war, effectively reducing the planet's population of both cleansed and uncleansed by 3.4% in a single stroke. Residents of the Nearward and Thenceward regions bordering on the Southwestern Shoulder and K-Betulus expressed "regret" at the loss of life and cross-marketing venues, but vowed to rebuild, restructure, and reproduce.

A high-velocity Repro team from the Ovum Unit of Sphere-Center 8 is now in place, having arrived less than 1.2 seconds following the signing of the Eternal Peace and Negative Nonunaggression Treaty Earth-Venus that took place 0.001 nanosecond following the conclusion of hostilities, or 0.004 nanoseconds following the commencement. The full 9.4 billion quota of living entities is expected to be regenerated before the end of the current sentence. The full 9.4 billion quota of living entities in Western Units K-Betulus through Southwestern Shoulder 9 has now been regenerated, and reportedly "look forward to a future of peace, prosperity, and cleansing."

Members of the United Geographical Entities' Council plan to meet to discuss possible avenues by which to resolve Earth's continuing Ammoniac crisis. A consensus has now been reached by members of the United Geographical Entities' Council concluding that in the absence of Ammoniac, there are no cleansing fluitoids, and that without cleansing fluitoids, the devoted disciples of Earth's Penumbral Rulers would remain uncleansed. A vote on immediate measures to correct this unconscionable imbalance is expected shortly.

The Council has now voted unanimously to seek additional Ammoniac from neighboring planets in order to immediately and permanently resolve the impending and current cleansing crisis. Earth expects to dispatch diplomatic personnel to neighboring planet Venus, our sister sphere betwixt this, our planet, and that, our sun, to enlist the voluntary cooperation of our sister sphere in resolving Earth's Ammoniac shortage. As the diplomatic personnel have now returned anti-nonunsuccessful in their mission, the United Earth has no recourse but to embark on a full-scale attack upon neighboring Venus in order to permanently ensure the safety and cleansing of the devoted disciples of Earth's Penumbral Rulers.

The engagement is expected to last no more than 0.003 nanoseconds. Earth's Penumbral Rulers have stated they are confident Earth will emerge victorious.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor