DeLay Laundromats Score D.C. Home Run

Washington, D.C., July 9, 2013 -- Tom DeLay, the former United States Representative, House Majority Leader, and ruthless high-profile right-wing "bag man", has broken new post-political ground here on the Beltway with his fantastically successful chain of coin-op laundromats, DeLay Kleenomatik. DeLay founded the laundry chain after emerging from a seven-year prison sentence at the Baltimore Reprobate Reprogramming Facility on various ethical charges. He is said to be "thrilled" with the runaway success of the new enterprise.

"I learned a lot of lessons at BRRF (pronounced 'burf')," said DeLay. "I learned a new-found respect, even love for my fellow man, one that went in entirely new and unexpected directions. I learned the warm feeling in your heart you can get from a day's honest work. I learned how to shower in a large crowd without embarrassment. But most of all, I learned a heck of a lot about the laundry business. I was working twelve hours a day, six days a week in sheets and towels for the last two years of my sentence. You want something steamed and folded, baby, I'm your man."

Tom DeLay, who was once commonly considered to be the second-most powerful man in Washington, became famous as a Republican strongman who was not afraid to bend every ethical rule in the book in his all-out struggle to defeat those he considered the greatest enemies to the American Way of Life, the Democratic Party. Over ten years of congressional leadership, he built up a Texas and Washington-based political machine to rival the most tightly-controlled organized crime families of the old days of the Cosa Nostra, but with fractionally less of the sleeping-with-the-fishes, offer-you-can't refuse dynamic.

"True, we had it all pretty well sewn up," said a reflective DeLay. "I always saw money as just a tool, you know, not an end. You need the money to buy the lobbyists, and to buy the politicians. You need the politicians to forward your political agenda. And you need the political agenda to acquire more money. And you just keep on blurring the line between lobbyist and politician until there isn't any difference. It's a closed system, really. Beautiful."

DeLay's latest brainchild, the DeLay Kleenomatik, is the new chain of stylish laundromats that have sprung up almost overnight throughout the D.C. area and major metropolitan areas of Texas in the few months since DeLay's release on parole.

"They're coin-ops, but classy, you know," said DeLay. "I tapped a bunch of my old K Street crew, a few former aides, couple of interns, to run the things. It doesn't take much. You just go in there a few dozen times a day and refill the coin changers, make sure the suds machine's not running low. They practically run themselves."

In the first quarter of operations, the DeLay Kleenomatik chain reported a remarkable $94 million profit, several orders of magnitude higher than any comparable laundromat chains in the D.C. area.

"It's a little hard to explain, I know," said DeLay. "It's the funniest thing. You see, I take a little off the top from the coin changers, you know, to cover for the effort and expense of filling them up with change all the time. Just twenty-five cents off of every dollar. The strangest thing is, that's the source of most of the profit. People just seem to love changing coins in my coin changers. Some of the laundry machines haven't even been used. I have a beautiful Speed Queen NetMaster just sitting there in bubble-wrap. Sad. I can't imagine why anyone would come into my shop just to change money."

DeLay said he plans to donate a portion of the enormous profits from the chain to "up-and-coming politicians who have their priorities in the right place. "

"I figure, what do I need with $300-400 million a year?" DeLay said. "I'm a man of simple tastes, simple pleasures, especially after my stretch. Three squares a day, a hard cot, lights out at 9 P.M., and I'm a happy camper. So I thought I'd spread it around a little. Mostly in state politics. I've kind of soured on the national level."

DeLay said he is considering creating some sort of foundation or other organization, "perhaps a political action group, or something" to help him best distribute the proceeds of his remarkably successful laundromat.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor