Microsoft, Micronesia Reach a Deal

Redmond, WA, October 12, 2018 -- "Time to go buy a new globe" was the opening statement by Bill Gates at today’s news conference at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington. The aging Microsoft founder startled the world this morning in announcing the purchase of Micronesia. "I am pleased to introduce to the world the new country of the Federated States of Microsoftnesia," Gates proclaimed.

Rumors had been circulating that the software giant was up to something big and industry analysts had been working overtime speculating on what Microsoft's new endeavor, codenamed "Civilization", might be. "We knew it was going to big. Something truly groundbreaking, but the purchase of a country…damn, baby", commented Barry Levinworth, senior technology analyst at Citicorp Credit Suisse First Boston Smith Barney Morgan Stanley Merrill Lynch Salomon Brothers brokerage.

Though groundbreaking, other pioneering technology companies have tested the waters in the past with municipal purchases (Oracleopolis and Googleville two years ago) and such national sponsorships as the Dodge/Mauritania deal in which Mauritanians are now "Ram Tough" and the Rwanda/Intel deal for the new national slogan of "intel inside" to be minted on every Rwandan Franc. The Microsoft deal has taken these concepts one step further in that the corporation has complete control and sovereign rights to a country consisting of four major island groups totaling 607 islands that are all sinking into the sea. It remains unclear what the intentions are of Microsoft with Microsoftnesia and how the corporation plans to handle the washing away of many islands per year, overfishing, climate change, pollution and other issues that face that tiny island nation.

Flanked by the President of Micronesia, Julian Useano, and the cryogenic chamber containing the frozen remains of Microsoft President Steve Ballmer, Gates was enthusiastic as he presented the basic framework of the deal. "He almost reminded you of the fun loving, affable Bill of 20 years ago when he was killing corporations and ruining lives. Minus the metal faceplate and extra robotic arm, of course," Levinworth added. President Useano did not speak other than mouthing "cha-ching" to his wife in the front row. The typical two knocks of approval came from Microsoft president Ballmer's cryo-chamber as the presentation came to a close.

The Pacific island nation of 100,000 people will be reconstituted once all citizens have clicked "Accept" on the appropriate end user agreement to be emailed by Microsoft later in the week. Those that do not accept Microsoft's end user agreement will be forwarded to Papua New Guinea.

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer