Americans Are Evolving

Washington, DC February 27, 2041 -- Randall M. Humphrey, M.D., Director of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), made it official earlier today when he unequivocally stated, "Americans are evolving." This proclamation was welcomed by many in the American scientific community who have spent the last three decades researching and documenting developments occurring with the anatomy of newborn children and following the growth pattern into adulthood

The latest development in the evolution of Americans is the dramatic increase in the number of people with a small arm-like appendage protruding from one side of their neck, with two Phalanges that can reach to the ear protruding from the end. Researchers have recently dubbed this the 'phone arm', as it appears to be designed to hold a cell phone to one's ear and is frequently used in that capacity.

"I remember 30 years ago when I was in residency removing these neck lumps from children. To think that nearly an entire generation of Americans have no access to this useful outgrowth due to the science of the times is sad," said Oliver P. Carmicheal, M.D., of Johns Hopkins University Hospital.

Many credit the discovery of this and prior evolutionary steps to the policy decisions made more than thirty years ago by President George W. Bush. Carmicheal affirmed, "It seems strange to give any credit to such a disrespected and horrible President, but if he hadn't cut healthcare for so many Americans and forced them to survive without proper medical care, we would probably still be removing these neck lumps today."

Some, however, disagree with doctor Humphrey's assertions on evolution. Tom Wyclef, spokesman for the Christian Coalition, said that this was not evolution, but merely the fulfillment of the prophecy from Joshua 4:24, which reads: That all the people of the earth might know the hand of the LORD, that it is mighty: that ye might fear the LORD your God for ever..

"It’s very clear to all that this is what Joshua meant when he spake unto the children of Israel," Wyclef stated. He elaborated further that, "this phone arm is also directly mentioned in the Bible in Leviticus 5:8, as the passage mentions 'wring off his head from his neck.' Clearly that is a hidden description of this new appendage. Never mind the typo, just sound it out. Startling, isn’t it?"

Wyclef continued, "This is another miracle delivered to us by the graciousness of God, much like that of the so-called beverage arm that we in the Christian community refer to as the God waver arm," to which he referenced the following passage from Leviticus 7:30: His own hands shall bring the offerings of the LORD made by fire, the fat with the breast, it shall he bring, that the breast may be waved for a wave offering before the LORD.

The beverage arm, an appendage protruding from the sternum in most males with a hand on the end and typically used for holding beer or Big Gulps, and the rotator vertebrae, an additional neck vertebrae found mostly in women and allowing for women to view their posterior in a mirror, have been at the center of controversy for decades. However, the frequency of occurrences of the phone arm in both male and female Americans have allowed for the official proclamation of an evolutionary leap.

When asked why Americans are evolving at such a rate while Europeans and others have by and large remained the same, Dr. Carmicheal replied, "Maybe the Europeans have better things to do than slurp down Big Gulps, look at their butts in the mirror and talk on their cell phones."

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer