God Indicted in Absentia on Bird Flu Related Terrorism Charges

Washington, D.C., April 22, 2007 -- Following confirmed reports that the H5N1 avian flu virus has again been altered, making it even more resistant to anti-viral medications and increasing the risks of human-to-human bird flu transmission, a warrant has been issued for the arrest of God, the leading Suspect in what is now described as a global bio-terror conspiracy.

H5N1 avian flu virus strains (gold) prior to latest tweak by Hand of God: Photograph by C. Goldsmith/U.S. Centers for Disease Control

A spokesman for the United States Department of Homeland Security, which issued the warrant under the provisions of the USA Patriot Act, said the Almighty is wanted for questioning for His role in devising "what may become the most dangerous weapon for global terror the world has ever known."

"God is considered armed and extremely dangerous. Ordinary citizens should under no circumstances attempt to question or detain Him," said the spokesman. "If God is spotted in your area, please contact local law enforcement at the earliest possible convenience with His description and location."

A composite sketch of God will be released to regional authorities by the DHS within hours, the spokesman said.

"There's no doubt His fingers are all over this one," said Dr. Metcalf Poppikoch, a molecular biologist at Bob Jones University in South Carolina and a leading proponent of the widely accepted intelligent design theory. "DNA analysis of the avian flu virus found in humans and bird samples a mere three weeks ago in China, when compared to current samples, prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Creator has been in there mucking about again. We've moved one step closer to the verge of a global pandemic. He's got to be stopped, and stopped now."

Some so-called Darwinist dead-enders, however, including several scientists and professors at a number of left-leaning universities, question the culpability of God in the virus alterations, instead claiming that the now generally discounted theory of evolution may have played a role.

"God is innocent," said Dr. Barney Lucid, a prominent evolutionary biologist at Harvard University. "At least, of any direct culpability. You may consider Him indirectly responsible as the Prime Mover or original Creator of the universe, depending on your belief system, but that is immaterial in this current instance. What we're seeing in China is a process known as evolution. The virus is mutating through successive generations, and stronger and more resistant versions of it are naturally going to stand a better chance of survival. You can call me a wild-eyed pragmatist if you like, but that's how evolution works."

According to Dr. Lucid, any effort to detain God would be pointless and counter-productive, advocating instead for synchronized global action toward developing a vaccine against avian flu, along with strengthening global stockpiles of anti-viral medications.

Voices like those of Dr. Lucid, however, have been drowned out in the chorus of frightened and angry citizens demanding that God be arrested and held accountable for what some view as a conspiracy, albeit a conspiracy of One, to attempt to assassinate millions of people by means of a deadly bird flu pandemic.

"We cannot claim to understand His ways," commented His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI during his weekly radio address from the Vatican. "Nor should we have the arrogance to question His wisdom. But I tend to agree that He may be pushing the envelope this time."

United States Congressman Tom DeLay was less restrained in his comments:

"That Guy has been jerking us around for decades," he said. "If He tweaks that bird flu virus one more time, I say round Him up, lock Him up, and shut Him down. We're talking about the security of the homeland and the American way of life here. And if there's one person Habeas Corpus applies to, it sure as hell ain't Him."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor