Justice Harriet Miers Steps Down, Citing Confusion

Washington, D.C., December 29, 2008 -- In an unprecedented development, Harriet Miers, who was confirmed in 2005 as Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court, announced this morning she will be voluntarily stepping down from the post, citing "confusion over constitutional issues, court procedure, and generally how to be a judge." Should she proceed with her announced intentions, Justice Miers will become, with three years on the job, the shortest-serving Supreme Court Justice in American history.

Harriet Miers, who was President George W. Bush's second Supreme Court appointment, had been broadly criticized prior to her confirmation by conservatives and liberals alike, due primarily to her fairly unimpressive record, lack of experience, and undefined philosophical positions on vital legal issues. She had never served as a judge in any capacity prior to her appointment to the Supreme Court, with the exception of a two-season stint as assistant adjudicator for the Abilene County Fair Four-Legged Critter Show in 1975 and 1977. Her selection and confirmation late last year was therefore seen by many observers as yet another example of the Bush Administration choosing less-qualified cronies on the basis of blind loyalty, rather than seeking out individuals based on expertise.

"I was sure pleased as heck when W. picked me, of course," said Justice Miers. "But I think what I forgot to consider was that once I got on the bench there'd be a passel of really important decisions I'd have to take a stand and vote on, one way or the other. Also, that I'd have to write opinions motivating those decisions. Frankly, I usually always put my trust in the Lord when it came to questions of jurisprudence, but lately the Lord has been letting me down when it comes to finding precedent."

Harriet Miers' legal record prior to her appointment consisted primarily of a successful, if ethically marred, career in the rough-and-ready world of Texas corporate law.

"You have a case involving finding a giant corporate tax loophole, or shuffling money from one account to another without any unpleasant public scrutiny, or jacking up profits when you really have losses, I'm your woman," said Miers. "I'm also a whiz at lottery management. Somehow, I guess I thought that'd make me perfect for serving as one of the nine members of the most rarefied legal body in the country. Once I got there, I guess I just got cold feet. I kept trying to call W. to find out how I was supposed to vote, but his office wouldn't let me through, saying it might not look right. And Thomas and Scalia I won't talk to, because they're dicks. Forget this. I'm going back to Texas, y'all."

Many pundits following Harriet Miers' appointment have suggested that the primary reason she was chosen by Bush was, as on so many occasions, familiarity. She had long served as the president's personal lawyer, both prior to and during his arrival in the White House, providing diverse services ranging from assisting in his purchase of a fishing shack in Texas, to covering up his questionable National Guard record, to helping him legally remove the "Little Baby Bush Jr." from his birth certificate. The bond of trust between Miers and Bush is unquestionably strong, and just as unquestionably mutual.

"W. is the most brilliant man I have ever met," Miers has said on at least one occasion. Granted, this was immediately following her rescue at the age of 26 by George W. Bush from the mythical island of Amasonias, a fortified sanctuary in the Gulf of Mexico populated only by women, on which Miers was raised from birth and schooled. Of the dramatic rescue, President Bush has commented that he "was pretty wasted at the time, and don't really remember. I think it was a Skull & Bones reunion prank. I helped drive the boat."

The timing of Justice Miers' resignation has raised the hackles of conservatives, who point out that Bush, with only three weeks left in his tenure, will likely not have time to fill the seat vacated by Miers prior to the swearing in of President-elect Hillary Clinton, thus leaving open the terrifying possibility of a somewhat ideologically balanced court.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor