DeLay Laundromats Score D.C. Home Run
Washington, D.C., July 9, 2013 -- Tom DeLay, the former United States Representative, House Majority Leader, and ruthless high-profile right-wing "bag man", has broken new post-political ground here on the Beltway with his fantastically successful chain of coin-op laundromats, DeLay Kleenomatik. DeLay founded the laundry chain after emerging from a seven-year prison sentence at the Baltimore Reprobate Reprogramming Facility on various ethical charges. He is said to be "thrilled" with the runaway success of the new enterprise.
Astrophysicist Observes Own Ass
Dover, England, April 29, 2010 -- Thurgood Quark, an astrophysicist at the Extremely Powerful Orbital Telescope Control Centre in Dover, England, was reportedly startled yesterday to discover that an irregularly-formed object he was observing, estimated to be at a distance of over eighteen billion light-years away, was in fact his own ass.
Space
Pat Robertson Retracts God's Wrath Statement on Dover, Pennsylvania School Board
Dover, Pennsylvania, November 14, 2005 -- Pat Robertson, the conservative Christian broadcaster and popular right-wing resident loon, today retracted comments he had made last week on his "700 Club" program warning the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania that they "better not go crying to God if disaster strikes".
Pat Robertson: Pat Robertson calling down God's wrath on Dover, PA, for rejecting creationism, a.k.a. "intelligent design"
Wing-Clipped NASA to Launch Wal-Mart Budget Spacecraft
John F. Kennedy Space Center, Florida, October 12, 2006 -- Facing what may be the worst fiscal shortfall in the space agency's history, a spokesman for NASA today announced a plan to resort to the extreme cost-saving measure of acquiring most future spacecraft from budget retailer Wal-Mart. An initial consignment of six "Econo-Capsules" purchased by NASA via the Wal-Mart e-commerce website at a cost of $29.95 each (plus shipping and handling), is slated for delivery this December.
Wal-Mart Econo-Capsule
Jains Decry Violent Depiction
Perth, Australia March 7, 2006 -- The latest religious scandal involving a drawing deemed to be offensive by a religious group has arisen. World media attention has now shifted to the back blocks of Perth, Australia where six year old Abigail Tuckerbag, a student at Coolabah Billabong Primary School in Perth, has sparked international outrage from Jainists across the globe with her drawing "Jain and dead cow".
Livestock, Pets Harnessed As Important New Energy Resource
Wenatchee, Washington, June 29, 2013 -- A technological breakthrough developed by the Wenatchee, Washington-based startup group Cownetics United Development, Inc. (Nasdaq: CUD) promises to significantly ameliorate the nation's ongoing energy crisis with virtually no negative environmental consequences.
Caninetic and Cownetic turbine units
In Surprise About-Face, Bill Clinton Backs Obama
Chicago, February 5, 2008 -- Astounding political pundits from Anchorage to Miami, former president Bill Clinton has rescinded his endorsement of spouse Hillary Clinton in favor of rock star Senator Barack Obama.
The endorsement, which some believe may create friction in the suburban Chappaqua home of Bill and Hillary Clinton, was explained by the former president as "a case of conscience over comfort."
President Sets Precedent With Preemptive Pardons
Washington, DC, October 31, 2008 -- Outgoing President George W. Bush followed yesterday in the footsteps of his predecessors by applying his traditional presidential power to absolve a number of friends and supporters of their criminal convictions. Included in the last-minute mercy package, however, was a novel twist: preemptive pardons.
Pentagon Beefs Up Iraq Troop Humvee Security With Baby on Board Stickers
Washington, D.C., November 19, 2006 -- Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman announced today the US Defense Department will begin an immediate security upgrade process for soldiers stationed in Iraq by equipping unarmored and up-armored HMMWV vehicles (Humvees) with heavy-duty "Baby on Board" stickers.
Baby on Board Security Enhancer-equipped Humvee
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