Trump Tapped For Guantanamo Resort Makeover
New York, September 19, 2009 -- Legendary real estate tycoon and "Apprentice" star Donald Trump has been selected by the Department of Defense to give the widely criticized internment camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba a much-needed facelift. According to sources close to the project, Trump has been tasked with converting the camp into a first-class resort hotel and casino.
Struggling GM Launches Internet Casino
Flint, Michigan, July 29, 2007 -- General Motors, the automotive behemoth that has been teetering precariously on the verge of bankruptcy for several years, will be taking the unusual step of diversifying its operations by launching an internet casino business in an effort to create a new cash cow that can be milked to keep its core operations alive.
According to Randy Mooman, spokesman for GM, the new casino is projected to provide sufficient revenue to keep GM afloat while it retools with new, more competitive automotive product lines.
Study Proves Universe Created By Committee
Gestation, Kansas, June 11, 2010 -- The most extensive analysis yet undertaken of the structure and contents of the universe conclusively proves the universe was created not by a single entity, as has been widely suggested, but by "a fractious and disorganized committee or committees given to groupthink and petty infighting", according to Drs. Karl Pootle and Yumble Frick, co-authors of the study. The analysis is expected to have profound implications on the theoretical underpinnings of many popular religions.
Texas Rings In New Clean Air Rules With Tire Fire
Austin, January 22, 2008 -- Texas Governor Rick Perry hailed the passage of strengthened air quality controls for Texas with a rousing public celebration yesterday featuring a Texas-style bonfire made entirely of recycled tires.
Houston, Texas (center)
White House to Name Czar Czar
Washington, D.C., June 12, 2009 -- Responding to growing public dissatisfaction with the administration of President Mayor Rudy Giuliani, the White House announced today the imminent appointment of a Czar Czar who will personally oversee and take charge of all of the administration's smaller, task-targeted czars.
President Mayor Rudy Giuliani at Inauguration Day After-party
Fed Chief Bernanke Ups Interest Rates 1.25% "Just To Mess With People's Heads"
New York, January 30, 2008 -- In a surprise move that has left market analysts worldwide scratching their heads, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke raised, rather than lowered, the discount and fed funds rates by an unprecedented 1.25% this afternoon.
Fed Chief Ben Bernanke
Checkout Clerk Adds Apples and Oranges, Earth Wobbles
Madison, WI September 14, 2014 -- Last week’s cataclysmic, global seismic event that resulted in countless deaths across the globe and property losses estimated to be in the trillions of dollars appears to have been caused by an unassuming checkout clerk in Madison, Wisconsin.
Most Studies Find Nothing, Study Finds
Macon, Georgia, August 22, 2077 -- The most comprehensive study of studies ever attempted has conclusively determined that few, if any, studies ever actually determine anything. At least not conclusively.
Reentry of Shuttle Diplomacy Burns NASA
Washington, D.C., October 2, 2006 -- The escalating feud between U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and NASA (the National Aeronautics and Space Administration) over the proposed use of Space Shuttle Atlantis for diplomatic purposes has tempers in both camps on the verge of explosion, NASA sources said today.
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