House Outlaws Computers in Wake of Masturgate
Washington, D.C., February 12, 2007 -- Speaker of the House Dennis ("Denny") Hastert announced yesterday that the U.S. House of Representatives has banned all computers, BlackBerries, modern cell phones and other electronic communications devices from its offices and related premises.
House Speaker Dennis Hastert, co-sponsor of the IM Clean Act
Ostrich Charged With Multiple Ostricides
Mali, September 22, 2015 -- A local ostrich, Zzirrk Struthio II, has been charged with multiple ostricides following a grisly chance discovery in the two-toed, long-necked ratite's backyard. Mr. Struthio was taken into custody and is being held at the Municipal Pen on a bond of 100,000 grubs pending trial.
Two of Mr. Struthio's victims
"It was probably the most gruesome thing I've ever stumbled across," Krrbll Trrtt, a young ostrich who lives next door to Mr. Struthio with his parents, said.
Study Suggests Soul Sale Obesity Panacea
Palo Alto, California, August 12, 2022 -- A team of metaphysical researchers announced today a discovery that may provide a quick, painless, unexpected cure for chronic obesity. The dramatic conclusions were made public following the completion of a three-year study focused on determining the weight of human souls.
Human soul (detail)
Michael Jackson Found Guilty on All Counts
Brentwood, CA, August 29, 2016 -- The troubled nuclear physicist and former pop idol Michael Jackson has been found guilty on all counts in what pundits have labeled "The Trial of This Week". Sentencing is expected to occur early next month. Most courtroom observers predict Jackson will receive up to one month of house-arrest at his six-room condominium in Brentwood, and a fine of up to $400 dollars payable in cash or check.
Justice Harriet Miers Steps Down, Citing Confusion
Washington, D.C., December 29, 2008 -- In an unprecedented development, Harriet Miers, who was confirmed in 2005 as Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court, announced this morning she will be voluntarily stepping down from the post, citing "confusion over constitutional issues, court procedure, and generally how to be a judge." Should she proceed with her announced intentions, Justice Miers will become, with three years on the job, the shortest-serving Supreme Court Justice in American history.
'Finnegans Wake' Movie Review
Hollywood, November 9, 2007 -- Oliver Stone’s latest movie, Finnegans Wake is based on the James Joyce novel by the same name and takes us on a curious journey from somewhere to somewhere else with a few twists along the road. Harold Pinter, English author and winner of the 2005 Nobel Prize in Literature, assisted Mr. Stone with moving the book from words to actions by solidifying the screenplay.
India and Pakistan Agree to Share Kashmir in Joint Custody Arrangement
Srinagar, Kashmir, May 29, 2011 -- High-level diplomatic representatives of India and Pakistan announced today the successful conclusion of a dramatic final round of talks over the fate of the disputed Kashmir region. Kashmir, over which India and Pakistan each claim varying degrees of sovereignty, will under the terms of the new agreement be shared equally between the countries in a joint custody arrangement.
Kobe Bryant Clones Debut in 100% Kobe Bryant- Derived LA Kobe Bryants
Los Angeles, November 3, 2023 -- Cloned progeny of legendary basketball superstar Kobe Bryant will at last be making their NBA debut this Sunday as the newly-launched LA Kobe Bryants meet local rival the LA Chamberlains at Staples Arena in Los Angeles.
LA Kobe Bryants, Team Photo
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to Defuse North Korea's Nuclear Ambitions
Los Angeles, October 11, 2007 -- Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, three times voted leading members of the paparazzi "glutterati" squad, have been selected by President Bush to lead the diplomatic charge against North Korea's newfound nuclear club membership.
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, U.S. diplomatic envoys to North Korea
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