Washington, D.C., November 4, 2006 -- In a press release issued today by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s special Office of Looking on the Bright Side, the administration pointed out that despite continuing widespread and escalating violence in the chaotic region, nearly 21 million Iraqis have not yet been killed or wounded.

This, while a decrease from the 21.5 million not yet killed or wounded highlighted in an earlier announcement, still represents, according to a Rumsfeld spokesmen, "a very large percentage of the populace thus far not yet killed or wounded."

Redmond, WA, October 12, 2018 -- "Time to go buy a new globe" was the opening statement by Bill Gates at today’s news conference at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington. The aging Microsoft founder startled the world this morning in announcing the purchase of Micronesia. "I am pleased to introduce to the world the new country of the Federated States of Microsoftnesia," Gates proclaimed.

Washington, D.C., December 22, 2005 -- Independent investigative journalists at Avant News have determined that the Pentagon's Iraq Propaganda Program, which was heralded for the first time in a Los Angeles Times report in late November, has been a truly stunning success of the same caliber as the many other remarkable achievements enjoyed by the Bush administration and its exemplary war planners.

The Iraqi and American people continue to express their most fervent support for the propaganda program and its peerless progenitor, the Iraq war of liberation.

Indianapolis, August 29, 2007 -- An Indianapolis resident reportedly sustained serious injuries after swallowing a bug yesterday while riding his bicycle at high speed near the South Grove Golf Course. The victim, Walter Jacobsen, of Wynnedale, Indiana, was rushed to Wishard Memorial Hospital where he was treated for multiple contusions, trauma, and concussion. He is reported to be in stable condition.