Texas Scientists Clone Twenty Dollar Bill
Abilene, TX, June 19, 2008 -- A research team at Texas Yee & Haw University announced Tuesday that they have successfully performed the first fiduciary cloning procedure on a $20 bill. Using an innovative technique developed at the University's Somatic Sawbuck Laboratory, the Texas scientists extracted DNA from a standard $20 bill, supplied by Earl, the lab maintenance supervisor, and used it to grow an exact replica in an enlarged, rectangular petri dish.
Tom DeLay: Tax Cuts, Faith to Prevent Apophis Asteroid Collision
Washington, D.C., February 22, 2027 -- U.S. President Tom DeLay, responding to growing public concern over the potentially imminent catastrophic impact with the earth of the asteroid known as 99942 Apophis, announced yesterday a bold new plan to deflect the problem using the two time-tested cornerstones of the GOP agenda: tax cuts for the wealthy, and faith-based initiatives.
President Bush Paints Self Into Corner
Crawford, Texas, June 22, 2006 -- President George W. Bush recently suffered a harrowing experience at his ranch-like simulated country estate experience center in Crawford, Texas while redecorating the Glory Room, a large 42x58-foot space in the north wing of the main mansion dedicated to the display and preservation of President Bush's lone cheerleading trophy.
The Glory Room at President Bush's Crawford estate
Wingding Institute Awarded Nobel Peace Prize
Oslo, Norway October 10, 2011 -- The Norwegian Nobel Committee shocked the world yesterday when it announced that the controversial Wingding Institute had won the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize beating out such favorites as the United Nations, World Bank and the International Institute for Democracy and Electoral Assistance (IDEA).
Super Bowl Halftime Show Hits New Low
Tampa, FL February 2, 2009 -- Despite the NFL having announced in 2004 that MTV would never be involved in another Super Bowl Halftime Show, NFL officials allowed MTV "to bear it all" as producer of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show. And bear it they did! Thereby demonstrating once again that never is not a long time in the the world of sports, entertainment and, least of all, business.
Ron Paul Sweeps Republican Primary Elections in California, New York
Sacramento, February 6, 2008 -- Republican candidate for president Ron Paul swept the primary elections in several key states on Super Tuesday. The candidate, who despite the support of a fiercely loyal virtual following who, while avid internet users, are generally too young or too anti-government to vote, had been trailing distantly in California and New York polls prior to Super Tuesday.
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul and his broom.
Bolton Pushes "Balcony Bling" Poverty Plan at U.N. Reform Conference
New York, September 17, 2005 -- U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations John R. Bolton is making headlines and ruffling feathers this week with a controversial new poverty amelioration plan he terms "Balcony Bling". Bolton, who had been severely critical of U.N. efforts in most arenas prior to his recess appointment as United States representative to the organization, stresses that he sees the need for radical new approaches to, in his opinion, moribund U.N. activities such as the UNDP's poverty reduction program.
Astrophysicist Observes Own Ass
Dover, England, April 29, 2010 -- Thurgood Quark, an astrophysicist at the Extremely Powerful Orbital Telescope Control Centre in Dover, England, was reportedly startled yesterday to discover that an irregularly-formed object he was observing, estimated to be at a distance of over eighteen billion light-years away, was in fact his own ass.
Space
Pat Robertson Retracts God's Wrath Statement on Dover, Pennsylvania School Board
Dover, Pennsylvania, November 14, 2005 -- Pat Robertson, the conservative Christian broadcaster and popular right-wing resident loon, today retracted comments he had made last week on his "700 Club" program warning the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania that they "better not go crying to God if disaster strikes".
Pat Robertson: Pat Robertson calling down God's wrath on Dover, PA, for rejecting creationism, a.k.a. "intelligent design"
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