Mel Gibson In League With Satan; World Shocked
Mellowvale, NV, June 6, 2066 -- Actor and Director Mel Gibson, who has impressed with world for decades with his longevity and increasingly dogmatic film productions, was revealed in a surprise announcement by the Underworld Ethics Committee to have formed an illegal pact with Satan. The UEC reports the pact may have been in place for nearly a century.
US Open Triples Tennis Debut Reviews Mixed
Flushing, NY, September 4, 2014 -- The worldwide premier for professional triples tennis at this year's US Open tournament received mixed reviews from veteran players and commentators, but the overall audience impression was positive. First Round Match 1 in Men's Triples went as predicted, with an easy 6-0, 6-1, 6-1 defeat by favored Andy Roddick, Juan Carlos Ferrero and Rafael Nadal over unseeded players Micael Ivanonavov, Eiliat Prokotoftin and Silininorev Tjuk.
Texas Scientists Clone Twenty Dollar Bill
Abilene, TX, June 19, 2008 -- A research team at Texas Yee & Haw University announced Tuesday that they have successfully performed the first fiduciary cloning procedure on a $20 bill. Using an innovative technique developed at the University's Somatic Sawbuck Laboratory, the Texas scientists extracted DNA from a standard $20 bill, supplied by Earl, the lab maintenance supervisor, and used it to grow an exact replica in an enlarged, rectangular petri dish.
Routine Oval Office Search Uncovers Used Harriet Miers Litmus Test
Washington, D.C., October 19, 2005 -- A routine sweep of the White House Oval Office, performed every second Tuesday by the president's Secret Service staff to detect bugging devices and explosives, unexpectedly turned up an embarrassing remnant yesterday near the presidential wastebasket: a used litmus test.
A litmus test similar to the one discovered in the Oval Office.: The actual results of the Miers litmus test have not been disclosed.
Bird Flu Drug Tamiflu's Primary Ingredient Washed Out in Mudslides
Atlanta, April 22, 2009 -- With bird flu, also known as avian flu, now confirmed to have mutated into a form that can be transmitted human-to-human, international disease control agencies are concerned by a new report that virtually all of this year's star anise crop, a vital component of Tamiflu grown only in four provinces of China, has been wiped out in a series of mudslides brought on by unseasonably strong tropical storms in the region.
President Bush Paints Self Into Corner
Crawford, Texas, June 22, 2006 -- President George W. Bush recently suffered a harrowing experience at his ranch-like simulated country estate experience center in Crawford, Texas while redecorating the Glory Room, a large 42x58-foot space in the north wing of the main mansion dedicated to the display and preservation of President Bush's lone cheerleading trophy.
The Glory Room at President Bush's Crawford estate
TSA Bans Fuel
Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport, Virginia, March 11, 2007 -- The Transportation Security Administration announced today that, effective immediately, all potentially explosive liquids are banned from all areas of commercial airliners. TSA assistant secretary Kip Hawley said the measure, an expansion of the various bans on liquids in the cargo and passenger holds issued last fall, was necessary to "enhance our safety and protect the public against terrorist attacks in order to preserve our uniquely American freedoms".
In Lucky Coincidence, Errant Spy Satellite Strikes Osama
Washington, D.C., February 22, 2008 -- An out-of-control American spy satellite that was due to be shot down this afternoon instead plummeted to earth and directly struck the cave hideout of international terrorist Osama bin Laden in Pakistan, killing him instantly, military officials reported today.
“It's what I would call an extremely happy coincidence,” Marine Gen. James E. Cartwright, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said.
Weather Report for April 19, 2078
April 19, 2078
Eastern
Coastal areas of the United States should expect several small hurricanes running from Maine as far south as New Jersey. Winds to be averaging 60-80 mph, with peaks in the low hundreds. Temperature in the mid 90s.
Central
A low-pressure system over Indiana and Illinois will likely result in some unseasonable blizzards. Residents of southeastern Iowa are recommended to remain indoors during the late afternoon, due to the risk of high-speed hailstorms.
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