110th Congress Passes No President Left Behind Act
Washington, D.C., February 15, 2007 -- In a surprise sequel to the string of legislative successes encapsulated in the 110th Congress's "100 hours" platform, House lawmakers today passed the groundbreaking No President Left Behind Act (NPLB) by a vote of 381-41.
NPLB logo
Leading Astrologer Confesses: "It's All Bunk"
Las Vegas, June 22, 2010 -- Zorothar, a leading astrologer with the respected International Coven of Prognosticative Stargazers, stunned the world's tabloid media yesterday with the admission that "everything we astrologers do is bunk, malarkey, nonsense and, frankly, complete bullshit."
Innovative Weight Loss Book No Page-Turner
New York, September 9, 2010 -- With a diverse range of radically similar weight loss programs topping the bestseller charts this publishing season, finding a winner can be as hard as squeezing the creamy filling from an éclair while driving. Two titles, however, stand out from the pulpy mass: the innovative debut diet offering by Rod Sharpely, "40 lb.", and Augustus Phloughlop's popular "Eat Shit and Die", sequel to the 49-week number one bestseller of last year, "Drive to Your Car".
CERN and NIH Race To Map Oprah's Ego
Basel, April 18, 2019 -- Five years after Brown Thursday and the total collapse of the New New Genomiconomy, legions of unemployable genomicists have found hope in a new venture: mapping the ego of thin-again, fat-again American talk show diva Oprah Winfrey.
Best and Worst Children's Christmas Toys – 2006
Avant News Special Report
Coshocton, OH November 28, 2006 -- We at Avant News are pleased to announce our list of what our experts deem to be the 10 best and 10 worst Christmas gifts for 2006. As usually occurs, the toy industry tends to mirror social trends and this year was no exception.
Surprise Rapture Disrupts Bush's 2007 State of the Union Address
Washington, D.C., January 24, 2007 -- President Bush's 2007 State of the Union address bumped into an unexpected snag with the "rapturing" of approximately 150,000 Fundamentalist Christians yesterday, Washington sources said.
Remains of raptured former Bush supporters
Rod and Reel Method May Save International Space Station
Washington, D.C., May 22, 2021 -- A groundbreaking new orbital transportation technique announced by NASA today may hasten the long-delayed completion of the International Space Station (ISS).
Astronaut Chrissie Buglebong attaches prototype rod and reel device during a dry run simulation
Israeli and Palestinian Ambassadors Remain Hopeful About Upcoming Peace Talks
Hebron, April 22, 2110 -- "A ceasefire is just around the corner," claimed Jakob Weisman, assistant to the Minister of Education, from inside the armored SpeakerDome™. Reports coming in from all sectors suggest a piquant curiosity on the part of both the Israeli and Palestinian populace.
Study Finds Ice Cream Trucks Leading Cause of Insanity
London, August 29, 2009 -- Ice cream trucks, the ubiquitous roaming purveyors of frozen dessert products that infest suburban neighbourhoods around the world, announcing their arrival using strident, uniformly irritating off-pitch melodies, have been found in a recent study to be a leading international cause of insanity.
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