Mike Huckabee Blamed For Surge in "Artful Dodgers"
Charleston, South Carolina, August 9, 2016 -- The recent nationwide explosion in pre-teen pickpockets has been traced to the first-term policies of president Mike Huckabee, according to a new study.
The analysis, conducted by the respected Institute for Alarming Developments in Charleston, South Carolina, found a “confluence of poorly conceived notions, badly executed” responsible for the current pickpocketing plague on the citizens of the United States.
Bush and Cheney Issue "Reasons to be Cheerful" Iraq Checklist
Washington, D.C., January 6, 2006 -- Presidents George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released today a fact-filled "Reasons to be Cheerful" Iraq Checklist in response to growing national dissatisfaction with and debate regarding the preemptive war that many believe was based on false pretenses and intentionally misleading information from the Bush Administration.
Pentagon Beefs Up Iraq Troop Humvee Security With Baby on Board Stickers
Washington, D.C., November 19, 2006 -- Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman announced today the US Defense Department will begin an immediate security upgrade process for soldiers stationed in Iraq by equipping unarmored and up-armored HMMWV vehicles (Humvees) with heavy-duty "Baby on Board" stickers.
Baby on Board Security Enhancer-equipped Humvee
Rush Limbaugh Volunteers for Iraq Tour of Duty
New York, March 12, 2007 -- Rush Limbaugh, the well-known syndicated right-wing radio "dissonance-jockey" and top cheerleader for the ongoing Iraq war, has volunteered to serve an initial 12-month tour of active combat duty in Iraq.
Private Limbaugh's Armored Combat Winnebago
Effort Underway to Improve Short Attention Spans of Americans
Washington, D.C., January 19, 2007 -- A federally-funded effort to counteract what some medical professionals have termed the "epidemic-level shortness in the attention spans of American citizens" has been launched with the backing of the Congressional Task Force for Making People Pay Attention.
Paris Hilton (interior)
GOP.com Delisted From Google For Repeated Syntactic Errors
Mountain View, CA, January 29, 2008 -- A spokesman for Google confirmed today the official website of the Republican party, gop.com, has been delisted from the internet search engine due to repeated spelling and syntactical errors.
A Google search for gop.com returns zero results
The spokesman said the decision to delist gop.com was made automatically on the basis of syntactical algorithms, and did not necessarily represent the opinion or action of any human Google employee.
Halloween Candy May Cause Obesity, Study Finds
Boulder, October 28, 2008 -- A seven-year dietary and fitness study released today reaches the disturbing conclusion that Halloween candy, long a staple of American holiday witches, goblins, vampires and presidents of all ages, may be a contributing factor in obesity.
The study, which tracked the flab ratios and eating habits of over 4,000 young individuals in 20 cities across the United States, concludes that "Halloween candy, if consumed in excessive quantities, almost certainly contributes to short-term and potentially long-term weight gain."
House Outlaws Computers in Wake of Masturgate
Washington, D.C., February 12, 2007 -- Speaker of the House Dennis ("Denny") Hastert announced yesterday that the U.S. House of Representatives has banned all computers, BlackBerries, modern cell phones and other electronic communications devices from its offices and related premises.
House Speaker Dennis Hastert, co-sponsor of the IM Clean Act
Wal-Mart Goes Green: The New Wal-Mart Employee Emissions Reduction Program
Bentonville, Arkansas, March 22, 2089 -- International low-budget retail conglomerate Wal-Mart said today it has joined the ranks of environmentally-friendly businesses with the announcement of WMEERP!, the Wal-Mart Employee Emissions Reduction Program.
Wal-Mart Methane Sealant
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