Jack Abramoff Renditioned

Washington, D.C., January 7, 2006 -- Legendary lobbyist and indicted political connections broker Jack Abramoff has been "renditioned" by an undisclosed agency of the United States government and is currently being held in an unknown location for "interrogation, I suppose, or whatever else we can think of do with him until some of the heat is off, or the 2006 midterm elections, whichever comes first", according to an agent of the CIA who requested anonymity.

Mr. Abramoff, an American citizen, had been under investigation for a wide range of illegal and unethical dealings and had been expected to agree to cooperate with government investigators in exchange for a reduced sentence a mere two days following his unexpected disappearance.

"It's really quite serendipitous," said the source. "Jack Abramoff was about to testify against his old buddies, the most corrupt congress and presidency this country has ever known. Good thing we needed him for questioning on, oh, I don't know, terrorist connection charges or a forged library card or wearing the wrong color tie or something. It doesn't really matter what."

According to several witnesses, Jack Abramoff was abducted from the Blue Ridge Diner on K Street, Washington, D.C., by presumed federal agents yesterday morning while dining together with long-time friend and associate Tom DeLay, who is currently on trial on money-laundering and perjury charges.

"Jack Abramoff and Tom DeLay, both of whom I easily recognized from their mug shots, were having breakfast at the corner booth where they usually sit," said Silas Marner, a regular customer at the Blue Ridge Diner. "I think Abramoff was having steak and eggs, while DeLay, who as you know needs to watch his weight like a hawk, was having an egg white omelet. They both had mugs of decaf latte with little colorful umbrellas in them, for some reason. Maybe those were to remind them of all the good times they've had together in Saipan."

According to Mr. Marner, as they neared the end of the meal, Mr. DeLay rose from the table, said "I need to take an apocalyptic dump, Jack, back in a minute," then made his way to the restaurant's rest rooms.

"Maybe five seconds later," Mr. Marner continued, "about 12 really anonymous-looking guys in black tailored suits and carrying really stylish black machine guns—I think they were Uzis—slammed into the diner. They went straight to DeLay and Abramoff's table, dragged a kind of black bag over Abramoff's head, and hustled him out the door without a word to anyone. Everyone in the restaurant—there were maybe five or six other customers, and a couple waiters and cooks—just stood there. We were totally stunned. Maybe five seconds after that, Tom DeLay came back out of the bathroom, sat down at his table, looked around the room kind of casually, then finished his latte like nothing had happened. It was really eerie."

According to Lester Wiggles, a legal advisor at the Department of Homeland Security, abductions of this kind, or "renditioning" as they are termed in Bush Administration parlance, are generally restricted to extra-territorial targets.

"However, there's nothing in the law as it is written that restricts agencies of the government from renditioning a U.S. citizen on U.S. soil," Mr. Wiggles explained. "If they need to interrogate someone, or just hold them out of sight and out of contact indefinitely, like Jack Abramoff in this case, there's no restriction on doing so. It's perfectly legal, unlike the kinds of anti-democratic 'disappearances' we saw under, for example, evil dictators like Pol Pot, Stalin and Pinochet."

According to the anonymous CIA agent who provided details on the Abramoff abduction, the operation was the product of a successful inter-agency cooperation between the NSA and the CIA.

"It's what we now call the Langley Two-Step," said the source. "If there's someone you need to rendition—either locally or overseas—the NSA performs the initial surveillance and wiretaps until we know the target's precise contact network, habits, location, all that kind of thing. Then the CIA comes in and performs the actual renditioning."

The source said, to the best of his knowledge, Mr. Abramoff was initially renditioned to "Eastern Europe somewhere, probably Serbia, then hopscotched around to Germany, Hungary, Croatia and so forth, then a quick stop in St. Andrews, Scotland to play a last round of golf, and is now probably sitting in a cage in Guantanamo Bay in an orange jumpsuit with a bag over his head. That ought to teach the turncoat something about the real price of loyalty."

Some political analysts believe the renditioning of Jack Abramoff, who despite the numerous crimes with which he had been charged was not widely considered an imminent threat to national security, may have been politically motivated.

"Jack Abramoff has been the top back-room dealmaker in Washington for years now," said Marion Weaver, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institute. "He has enough dirt on Congress to end the political careers of probably a dozen senators and twice as many representatives—mostly Republicans, but a few Democrats, too—and to seriously—possibly terminally—damage the White House. Wouldn't you suspect the fact that he was abducted only two days before turning state's [evidence] is a bit more than a mere coincidence?"

"That's the true beauty of the system we now have in place," said Mr. Wiggles. "The president, sometimes with coaching from congressional leaders, can order the NSA to wiretap anybody he wants, then he can order the CIA to rendition that person for as long as he wants, and nobody can do anything about it. It doesn't even matter if it looks like we have an ulterior motive—with no accountability, motive is moot. American citizens, foreign nationals, whatever. No one ever sees that person again, no one ever hears from that person again, and it's all perfectly legal. It's what we like to call the home-field advantage."

"You got a problem, blame Congress—they're the ones that make the laws," Mr. Wiggles continued, "and you voted for them. Otherwise, suck it up and be happy the president is protecting you."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor