Bush & Cheney Send Chocolates, Long-Stemmed Roses, $29 Billion to ExxonMobil
Washington, D.C., February 14, 2006 -- ExxonMobil executives were surprised today by a Valentine's Day gift from President Bush and Vice President Cheney containing Godiva chocolates, 24 exquisite long-stemmed roses, and a $29 billion corporate welfare grant package consisting of tax breaks, tax incentives, reduced taxes, rebates on taxes both paid and unpaid, and several freight trains filled with cash. A spokesman for the grateful oil conglomerate said the company was "pleased as punch" by the subsidy and "would have something real nice for the whole gang when the time comes."
Study Finds Ice Cream Trucks Leading Cause of Insanity
London, August 29, 2009 -- Ice cream trucks, the ubiquitous roaming purveyors of frozen dessert products that infest suburban neighbourhoods around the world, announcing their arrival using strident, uniformly irritating off-pitch melodies, have been found in a recent study to be a leading international cause of insanity.
Genetic Engineers Create First Manga Baby
Boulder, March 22, 2014 -- Genetic engineers at the world-renowned Tweek-e-Gene Institute in Boulder, Colorado, announced today the successful production of the world's first live custom-designed human Manga-baby. The baby, a healthy boy weighing 2.3 lbs. and measuring a lanky 38 inches from head to toe, will be named Ichi the Killer.
Ichi the Killer, prototype Manga-baby
Trend-spotters confidently predict Ichi will be the first boulder in a virtual landslide of specially-ordered designer Manga-babies.
Alabama Governor Riley Asks Citizens to Curse Drought
Montgomery, Alabama, August 2, 2007 -- Alabama Governor Bob Riley, who led a successful if short-lived effort to alleviate Alabama's water shortages through a government-sponsored state-wide "Pray for Rain" campaign in July, is now urging Alabamians to increase pressure on the heavenly potentate with a newly proclaimed "Curse Drought" initiative.
Alabama Governor Bob Riley (Rep.)
Godzilla-like creature ”natural phenomenon”, says TEPCO chairman
Fukushima, Japan, April 22, 2011 – The large, Godzilla-like aquatic creature that has appeared off the coast of Fukushima, Japan, was described by Tokyo Electric Power Co. chairman Tsunehisa Katsumata as a ”purely natural phenomenon” entirely unconnected to the ongoing crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. His assessment was subsequently confirmed by Japanese governmental authorities.
Bill Gates Relaunches Self As XML-RPC Web Services Collection
Redmond, Washington, August 12, 2010 -- Bill Gates, citing "frustration with the inefficiency of organic processes", has relaunched himself as an XML-RPC based Web Services collection.
Bill Gates (decoded, virtual cross-section)
Xbox 360 Now Bundled With Republican Lawmakers
Redmond, Washington and Washington, D.C., February 26, 2006 -- Microsoft Corporation, makers of the game console Xbox 360, announced today the popular home entertainment device will be sold bundled with a share of a Republican United States congressman or senator as part of a special spring "consumer confidence" marketing initiative.
The standard Xbox 360 handset can be used to direct Republican lawmakers' legislative agendas
Democrats To Launch National Exorcism Campaign
Washington, DC March 12, 2007 -- As Gov. Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), and his staff looked through the results from the 2006 midterm elections and compared them to entrance and exit polls it became apparent that something wasn't right with this election. Once again, the Republicans overcame the odds and handed the Democrats a startling defeat in their bid to gain the majority in Congress.
Magician Disillusioned
Colon, Michigan, December 9, 2008 -- For decades, his name was a household word, like Kleenex or Chapstick. Millions of people around the world had watched mystified as he defied physical laws and ordinances, performing remarkable magic tricks that were of equal delight to children, adults, and precocious horses. Today, in one of the great tragedies of modern necromancy, The Great Lumache is a broken man—lost, hopeless—bereft of illusions. An Avant News exclusive interview.
The Lumache Mansion in Colon, Michigan
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