Portland, May 12, 2009 -- The results are in: chimps are evolving faster than human beings. This startling discovery was made by a group of biologists and evolutionary scientists at the Biped Research Institute of Portland, Oregon following a three-year study into the genetic and evolutionary patterns of multiple generations of both species.

Washington, D.C., March 29, 2009 -- President Ron Paul was deported this morning to his ancestral home of Krakpotka, Ukraine, under the terms of the controversial Ron Paul's No Amnesty, No Welfare for Illegal Aliens Act.

Former President Ron Paul on his return to Dnipropetrovsk Airport, Ukraine

Dearborn, Michigan, August 29, 2009 -- A spokesman for Ford Motor Company announced today the preemptive recall of all 6.1 million model year 2011 cars expected to be produced under the company's flagship Ford brand next year.

The recall, which will affect all new Ford automobiles immediately upon leaving the assembly line, is intended to address "serious production, concept, engineering and safety flaws that we expect to come to light in the recent future", according to the spokesman.

Malibu, October 31, 2037 -- The best-selling, most popular, top Halloween costume for this year is, for the eighth consecutive year, once again the mesmerizing, terrifying "Unenhanced Human" outfit. The complex Halloween costume, which mimics the appearance of a human being without any artificial improvements and can take up to two hours to put on, has been sold over 2.3 million times this year, a new record.