Astrologers Lead Move to Shift Earth Three Feet to the Left
Fleetwood, Montana, April 19, 2010 -- The world's leading astrological organization is spearheading a movement urging that the Earth be shifted roughly three feet to the left to correct what the group calls a "slight predictive orbital discrepancy". By marginally adjusting the Earth's orbit, the group hopes to improve its overall predictive accuracy which is currently running at a rate just below that achieved by a standard monkey throwing darts at a prediction-covered wall.
Videotape Proves Bush White House-Trained First Puppy on U.S. Constitution
Washington, D.C., January 21, 2009 -- A videotape discovered in a secret compartment of former president George W. Bush's Oval Office desk has revealed that the United States Constitution, missing since early 2001, was used by President Bush to "White House-train" first dog Barney.
White House First Dog Barney reclining on soiled U.S. Constitution, Oval Office: Video still
The videotape was found by White House transition staff during the traditional clearing-out of the ex-president's effects.
In Light of Recent Extinctions, U.S. Adopts Bald Beagle as National Icon
Western Plastic, Wyoming, May 30, 2141 -- The United States Office of Patriotism-Enhancing Symbolism announced today that the nation, by executive order and congressional nod, has officially adopted the graceful and majestic bald beagle as its new national symbol, replacing the lamentably extinct bald eagle.
New Presidential Seal Featuring the Bald Beagle
President Ron Paul Deported Under Ron Paul's No Amnesty Law
Washington, D.C., March 29, 2009 -- President Ron Paul was deported this morning to his ancestral home of Krakpotka, Ukraine, under the terms of the controversial Ron Paul's No Amnesty, No Welfare for Illegal Aliens Act.
Former President Ron Paul on his return to Dnipropetrovsk Airport, Ukraine
Jack Nicholson, Dennis Hopper to Make “Easy Rider Too: Cantankerous Old Hippies”
Malibu, California, February 24, 2008 -- At a rambunctious, rowdy, star-studded post-Oscar afterparty tonight here in Malibu, California, actors Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson announced they will be producing and starring in Easy Rider Too: Cantankerous Old Hippies, a sequel to the cult classic
Jack Nicholson and Dennis Hopper announce upcoming production of Easy Rider Too: Cantankerous Old Hippies
Rudy Giuliani, After Florida Primary Defeat, Begs Rivals For Some Punishment
Okefenokee National Wildlife Refuge, Florida, January 31, 2008 -- One-time Republican presidential frontrunner and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani issued a heartfelt and occasionally tear-filled appeal to leading Republican candidates John McCain and Mitt Romney for “a little bit of freaking attention” following his unimpressive 13% showing in yesterday's Republican primary election in Florida.
Irate Driver Inadvertently Flips Off Own Grandmother
Regional Urban Locality, June 22, 2016 -- A local man, Henry Dribbler, told reporters today he was distraught to have discovered that the driver to whom he “flipped the bird” yesterday was none other than his own maternal grandmother, Sue Ellen Fecundite.
Treasury Sec. Paulson Calls Chain Letter, Lotto Buyback Cures to Deficit Woes
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2008 -- Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr., speaking at the annual meeting of the Conservative Economists' Union, today outlined a plan to alleviate the Bush administration's record federal deficit through "government chain letters and Lotto buyback initiatives".
Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr.
Windows Vista Startup Music Designed on Macs
Seattle, February 27, 2007 -- Microsoft Corporation refused to comment today on the embarrassing revelation that the new Windows Vista "startup music", the musical vignette that is played to calm and distract users while waiting for the operating system to boot up, was created exclusively on Apple computer systems.
Windows Vista logo
The inflammatory tidbit was reportedly let slip during an off-the-record interview of a composer on the 20-member team that worked for 18 months to create the harmonic snippet.
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