Man Swallows Bug
Indianapolis, August 29, 2007 -- An Indianapolis resident reportedly sustained serious injuries after swallowing a bug yesterday while riding his bicycle at high speed near the South Grove Golf Course. The victim, Walter Jacobsen, of Wynnedale, Indiana, was rushed to Wishard Memorial Hospital where he was treated for multiple contusions, trauma, and concussion. He is reported to be in stable condition.
J. Lo., P.L.O. Swap First Initials
Jerusalem, June 22, 2007 -- Widespread pop diva Jennifer Lopez finalized her $87 million licensing agreement with the Palestine Liberation Organization, and the two parties will swap initials on Tuesday.
Bush Finds Iraq Exit Strategy in Crawford Dungarees
Washington, D.C., December 22, 2005 -- President Bush startled lawmakers and reporters yesterday by announcing that he had found his Iraq exit strategy in the back pocket of a pair of dungarees the president normally uses while working off steam by clearing brush on his Crawford, Texas estate.
Bush's Iraq Exit Strategy
Study Suggests Malaise May Be Linked to Angst
Torpor, North Dakota, March 9, 2008 -- Partial results released today from a $200 million Umbilicus Observation Center study into psychological conditions indicate that angst may be a significant contributing factor to sufferers of malaise, particularly in adolescents, and vice versa. Other factors may include ennui, lassitude, butterflies, jitters, apathy, doldrums and the heebie-jeebies.
Jack Abramoff Renditioned
Washington, D.C., January 7, 2006 -- Legendary lobbyist and indicted political connections broker Jack Abramoff has been "renditioned" by an undisclosed agency of the United States government and is currently being held in an unknown location for "interrogation, I suppose, or whatever else we can think of do with him until some of the heat is off, or the 2006 midterm elections, whichever comes first", according to an agent of the CIA who requested anonymity.
Ford Motor Co., in Cost-Saving Measure, to Cease Automobile Production
Dearborn, Michigan, June 9, 2006 -- Ford Motor Company Chairman and CEO Bill Ford announced during an interview with Bloomberg TV today that, effective immediately, Ford Motor Company will flatline all North American automotive and truck manufacturing operations in an effort to reduce costs and improve shareholder value.
Sam Brownback Pregnancy May Put Squeeze On Presidential Bid
Ottawa, Kansas, April 6, 2008 -- The presidential campaign of dark-horse candidate Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS) may be facing an new hurdle with the announcement that the virulently anti-abortion neo-conservative is pregnant. The Brownback pregnancy is, in the words of campaign press spokesman Diana Herodias, "really not part of the game plan and may create some serious challenges to our crusade for the White House".
The Race is On: Chimps Are Out-Evolving Humans
Portland, May 12, 2009 -- The results are in: chimps are evolving faster than human beings. This startling discovery was made by a group of biologists and evolutionary scientists at the Biped Research Institute of Portland, Oregon following a three-year study into the genetic and evolutionary patterns of multiple generations of both species.
FEMA Posts New Avian Flu Awareness Pages on Ready.gov
Washington, D.C., December 12, 2005 -- The Federal Emergency Magnifying Agency (FUBAR) has posted a new consumer preparedness section on its Ready.gov "Panic Now Before We're All Dead" site dedicated to improving citizen readiness in the likely event of a near-certain imminent deadly bird flu outbreak. Michael Brown, former FUBAR head and currently sub-assistant layout coordinator for the Ready.gov site, said, "It's a real hit. This site tells you everything you need to know to get ready for an avian flu epidemic. Pandemic. Epidemic? Does anybody know what the difference is?"
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