Dover, England, April 29, 2010 -- Thurgood Quark, an astrophysicist at the Extremely Powerful Orbital Telescope Control Centre in Dover, England, was reportedly startled yesterday to discover that an irregularly-formed object he was observing, estimated to be at a distance of over eighteen billion light-years away, was in fact his own ass.

Space

Washington, D.C., February 2, 2007 -- Microsoft Corp. co-founder Bill Gates, who was appointed by President Bush to replace Donald Rumsfeld as Defense Secretary in November of last year and confirmed by the Senate today, said he will dedicate his new mandate in part "to the ongoing global struggle against unfair competition and open source radicalism".

Secretary of Defense William H. Gates III

Boulder, October 28, 2008 -- A seven-year dietary and fitness study released today reaches the disturbing conclusion that Halloween candy, long a staple of American holiday witches, goblins, vampires and presidents of all ages, may be a contributing factor in obesity.

The study, which tracked the flab ratios and eating habits of over 4,000 young individuals in 20 cities across the United States, concludes that "Halloween candy, if consumed in excessive quantities, almost certainly contributes to short-term and potentially long-term weight gain."

Srinagar, Kashmir, May 29, 2011 -- High-level diplomatic representatives of India and Pakistan announced today the successful conclusion of a dramatic final round of talks over the fate of the disputed Kashmir region. Kashmir, over which India and Pakistan each claim varying degrees of sovereignty, will under the terms of the new agreement be shared equally between the countries in a joint custody arrangement.