Bush Finds Iraq Exit Strategy in Crawford Dungarees
Washington, D.C., December 22, 2005 -- President Bush startled lawmakers and reporters yesterday by announcing that he had found his Iraq exit strategy in the back pocket of a pair of dungarees the president normally uses while working off steam by clearing brush on his Crawford, Texas estate.
Bush's Iraq Exit Strategy
Study Finds Human Brain Capable of Finite Number of Thoughts
St. Paul, Minnesota, July 22, 2017 -- A groundbreaking study performed by the St. Paul, Minnesota-based Institute for Cranial Spelunking has determined that human brains are capable of generating only a finite number of thoughts before becoming "utterly expended or depleted".
Human brain - planned obsolescence
The ICS study is expected to have profound implications on many aspects of human endeavour that involve thinking, pondering, mulling, or cogitation.
Top GOP Losers Reconsider Suicide PAC
Washington, D.C., January 9, 2007 -- Leading Republican senators who had formed a Suicide PAC prior to the 2006 midterm elections are now reconsidering their positions, beltway sources report. The unusual political action committee was designed to ensure members' reelections by codifying a formal "loss provision", under which PAC members vowed to commit suicide in the event of failure at the ballot box.
Outgoing Senator Rick Santorum, co-founder of DOH!
Sam Brownback Pregnancy May Put Squeeze On Presidential Bid
Ottawa, Kansas, April 6, 2008 -- The presidential campaign of dark-horse candidate Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS) may be facing an new hurdle with the announcement that the virulently anti-abortion neo-conservative is pregnant. The Brownback pregnancy is, in the words of campaign press spokesman Diana Herodias, "really not part of the game plan and may create some serious challenges to our crusade for the White House".
Mitt Romney Secretly Prime Minister of Canada
Ottawa, Canada, February 5, 2008 -- Late into Super Tuesday primary election voting today, two intrepid investigative journalists with the Washington Post revealed that Mitt Romney, Republican candidate for president, has for over two years also been the Canadian Prime Minister. The discovery is expected to throw some doubt on the future of Mr. Romney's campaign.
“We'd been checking out Mitt Romney's background as part of our routine reporting ahead of the Republican primary elections,” Robert Hoffman, one of the Washington Post reporters who made the surprising Romney discovery, said.
The Race is On: Chimps Are Out-Evolving Humans
Portland, May 12, 2009 -- The results are in: chimps are evolving faster than human beings. This startling discovery was made by a group of biologists and evolutionary scientists at the Biped Research Institute of Portland, Oregon following a three-year study into the genetic and evolutionary patterns of multiple generations of both species.
FEMA Posts New Avian Flu Awareness Pages on Ready.gov
Washington, D.C., December 12, 2005 -- The Federal Emergency Magnifying Agency (FUBAR) has posted a new consumer preparedness section on its Ready.gov "Panic Now Before We're All Dead" site dedicated to improving citizen readiness in the likely event of a near-certain imminent deadly bird flu outbreak. Michael Brown, former FUBAR head and currently sub-assistant layout coordinator for the Ready.gov site, said, "It's a real hit. This site tells you everything you need to know to get ready for an avian flu epidemic. Pandemic. Epidemic? Does anybody know what the difference is?"
Bush Announces Immediate Withdrawal of U.S. Troops From Iraq
Washington, D.C., November 29, 2023 -- President Jeb Bush today announced plans to immediately withdraw all U.S. troops from Iraq. The announcement will affect all 465,000 troops currently stationed throughout Iraqi territory, as well as the 194,800 troops fighting in the joint Iran-Iraq controlled friendship zone along the eastern Iraqi border and 86,000 in semi-autonomous Kurdistan. White House Press Secretary Jenna Bush said the troop withdrawal should be complete within five to seven weeks, "give or take a few years".
Bush Turns to Biblical Units in War on Terror
Washington, D.C., February 22, 2006 -- White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today a new Bush administration initiative to shift toward biblical units of weights and measures in the United States in an effort to "confuse evildoers and terrorists." The proposal for a new Biblical Weights and Measures Act, which is now being considered by the Federal Bureau of Weights, Measures and Eyeball Approximations, would legislate the conversion of all public and private measurements from the current Imperial standard to biblical standards.
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