Avant News | Deadpan satire from plausible futures

God Contrite About "Collateral Damage" in Huckabee Tornado Smite Attempt

By admin - Posted on February 6th, 2008

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Omnipresence, February 8, 2008 -- God, ruler of the universe and supreme arbiter of the weather, said today He was "deeply sorry" for the many casualties incurred during His attempt to smite Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee with a tornado during Super Tuesday primary election voting earlier this week.

Over 45 people were killed in the Southern states of Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee, and Kentucky when multiple tornadoes touched down with devastating results during the biggest day so far in the Republican and Democratic primary election season.

World Leader, Inc. World Leader at World Leading

By admin - Posted on June 6th, 2009

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January 1, 2522 -- //PRPressReleaseV22.2// -- World Leader, Inc. [NYSE:WLI], a world leader at world leading, announced today that for the third consecutive year it continues to lead the world at leading the world at world leading. The announcement was made at a press availability prior to the annual World Leader World Leader awards, presented annually by World Leader, Inc.

Bermuda Missing; May Have "Drifted Away"

By admin - Posted on June 14th, 2005

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Western Atlantic, April 29, 2024 -- Cartographers at the Trans-Coastal Mappery, based in Newport, Rhode Island, announced that while inspecting satellite photography of the American eastern seaboard Wednesday they discovered the island of Bermuda to be conspicuously absent. Following up on the discovery, the cartography team attempted to telephone a number of businesses and government offices known to be located on the island, but were unable to establish contact.

Adoption of Homeless Win-Win For All

By admin - Posted on August 12th, 2005

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New York, NY, February 9, 2011 -- Eleanor Rosenblad sits in her spacious six room Upper East Side apartment sipping tea while her homeless companion Larry Corbett plays with a squeaky gun toy on the floor. "It really does feel fulfilling to be in a position to help people whilst getting something back," Eleanor says, reaching over to rub Larry's head affectionately. Eleanor and Larry are two of many that have found companionship as a solution to the increasing population of homeless and destitute throughout the city.

FEMA Posts New Avian Flu Awareness Pages on Ready.gov

By admin - Posted on October 6th, 2005

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Washington, D.C., December 12, 2005 -- The Federal Emergency Magnifying Agency (FUBAR) has posted a new consumer preparedness section on its Ready.gov "Panic Now Before We're All Dead" site dedicated to improving citizen readiness in the likely event of a near-certain imminent deadly bird flu outbreak. Michael Brown, former FUBAR head and currently sub-assistant layout coordinator for the Ready.gov site, said, "It's a real hit. This site tells you everything you need to know to get ready for an avian flu epidemic. Pandemic. Epidemic? Does anybody know what the difference is?"

Bush Announces Immediate Withdrawal of U.S. Troops From Iraq

By admin - Posted on October 14th, 2005

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Washington, D.C., November 29, 2023 -- President Jeb Bush today announced plans to immediately withdraw all U.S. troops from Iraq. The announcement will affect all 465,000 troops currently stationed throughout Iraqi territory, as well as the 194,800 troops fighting in the joint Iran-Iraq controlled friendship zone along the eastern Iraqi border and 86,000 in semi-autonomous Kurdistan. White House Press Secretary Jenna Bush said the troop withdrawal should be complete within five to seven weeks, "give or take a few years".

Bush Turns to Biblical Units in War on Terror

By admin - Posted on October 24th, 2005

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Washington, D.C., February 22, 2006 -- White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today a new Bush administration initiative to shift toward biblical units of weights and measures in the United States in an effort to "confuse evildoers and terrorists." The proposal for a new Biblical Weights and Measures Act, which is now being considered by the Federal Bureau of Weights, Measures and Eyeball Approximations, would legislate the conversion of all public and private measurements from the current Imperial standard to biblical standards.

New Hybrid Locomotive Uses Passengers for Fuel

By admin - Posted on November 3rd, 2005

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Bern, Switzerland, June 22, 2009 -- A ground-breaking high-technology hybrid bio-locomotive developed by the European OTG Consortium is slated to make its maiden commercial voyage tomorrow between the cities of Bern, Switzerland and Rome.

Bush On Strike From Carlyle Group For Longer Vacations, Shorter Working Hours

By admin - Posted on November 17th, 2005

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Washington, D.C., September 26, 2009 -- Former President George W. Bush raised eyebrows at the Carlyle Group, his place of employment, today by announcing he will be staging a one-man wildcat strike, effective immediately, for longer vacations and improved working conditions.

The former president, who during his eight-year tenure in the White House spent over five years on vacation and who during his presidency was accustomed to two-hour working days interspersed with naps and lengthy fund-raising junkets, said working conditions at Carlyle were "unaccepticable".