Indianapolis, August 29, 2007 -- An Indianapolis resident reportedly sustained serious injuries after swallowing a bug yesterday while riding his bicycle at high speed near the South Grove Golf Course. The victim, Walter Jacobsen, of Wynnedale, Indiana, was rushed to Wishard Memorial Hospital where he was treated for multiple contusions, trauma, and concussion. He is reported to be in stable condition.

Washington, D.C., January 9, 2007 -- Leading Republican senators who had formed a Suicide PAC prior to the 2006 midterm elections are now reconsidering their positions, beltway sources report. The unusual political action committee was designed to ensure members' reelections by codifying a formal "loss provision", under which PAC members vowed to commit suicide in the event of failure at the ballot box.

Outgoing Senator Rick Santorum, co-founder of DOH!

New York, NY, February 9, 2011 -- Eleanor Rosenblad sits in her spacious six room Upper East Side apartment sipping tea while her homeless companion Larry Corbett plays with a squeaky gun toy on the floor. "It really does feel fulfilling to be in a position to help people whilst getting something back," Eleanor says, reaching over to rub Larry's head affectionately. Eleanor and Larry are two of many that have found companionship as a solution to the increasing population of homeless and destitute throughout the city.

Washington, D.C., February 22, 2006 -- White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today a new Bush administration initiative to shift toward biblical units of weights and measures in the United States in an effort to "confuse evildoers and terrorists." The proposal for a new Biblical Weights and Measures Act, which is now being considered by the Federal Bureau of Weights, Measures and Eyeball Approximations, would legislate the conversion of all public and private measurements from the current Imperial standard to biblical standards.