Rogue Goose Foils Final Missile Shield Test
Hurricane Harbor, California, October 27, 2008 -- An errant Canada goose has been blamed for the failure of the 25th and final test of George W. Bush's missile shield, a defense department spokesman said today.
A "gimpy goose" such as that held responsible for latest missile shield failure
Cheney Yearns for Return to Oil-Based Economy
Wichita, KS, January 16, 2047 -- In an exclusive interview with the award-winning Daily Mumbler of Wichita, Kansas, Former Vice President Dick Cheney spoke feelingly of his dream of "a return to the oil-based economy."
Interviewed at his home in suburban Wichita, the 106-year-old retired oil services company executive and former statesman discussed at length his feeling that the world had made "a wrong turn" in rejecting fossil fuels in favor of non-polluting, renewable energy resources. At times, his tone was wistful, at others vehement.
Teen 'Cap Busting' on the Rise
Mobile, AL, March 5, 2018 -- Ashlee Drummond’s footsteps echo along the corridor as she nervously awaits word from the doctor on the condition of her son, Roger. Ashlee joins tens of thousands of parents across the U.S. who have faced or are facing the result of the latest teen craze sweeping the nation -- cap busting. For those unfamiliar with the phrase, cap busting involves voluntarily shooting off one's kneecap with a shotgun.
Human Error Cited in Rove Exorcism SNAFU
Washington, D.C., November 27, 2007 -- Human error was cited as the cause of the latest failure to exorcise what leading demonologists have termed "an unprecedented can of infernal worms" from the tormented soul of White House Special Advisor Karl Rove.
Man Swallows Bug
Indianapolis, August 29, 2007 -- An Indianapolis resident reportedly sustained serious injuries after swallowing a bug yesterday while riding his bicycle at high speed near the South Grove Golf Course. The victim, Walter Jacobsen, of Wynnedale, Indiana, was rushed to Wishard Memorial Hospital where he was treated for multiple contusions, trauma, and concussion. He is reported to be in stable condition.
Study Suggests Malaise May Be Linked to Angst
Torpor, North Dakota, March 9, 2008 -- Partial results released today from a $200 million Umbilicus Observation Center study into psychological conditions indicate that angst may be a significant contributing factor to sufferers of malaise, particularly in adolescents, and vice versa. Other factors may include ennui, lassitude, butterflies, jitters, apathy, doldrums and the heebie-jeebies.
U.S. Military to Reduce Iraq Troop Levels From 138,000 to 163,000
Washington, D.C., June 19, 2006 -- Citing an improving security situation in key Iraqi provinces, U.S. military commanders say they have begun the long-promised task of reducing the American troop presence in Iraq, beginning with a reduction to about 163,000 from the current 138,000 scheduled over the next six months.
Stock Markets Close as Global Earth World Planet International Buys All Shares
By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer -- New York City, February 21, 2038 -- As the bell rang to close the trading session today at the New York Stock Exchange, board members of Global Earth World Planet International (GEWPI) celebrated with toasts of sparkling wine at an undisclosed location. They had reason to celebrate as their privately held consortium had just completed a two-week buying spree of all outstanding shares in every publicly traded company across the world.
New Hybrid Locomotive Uses Passengers for Fuel
Bern, Switzerland, June 22, 2009 -- A ground-breaking high-technology hybrid bio-locomotive developed by the European OTG Consortium is slated to make its maiden commercial voyage tomorrow between the cities of Bern, Switzerland and Rome.
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