Washington, D.C., November 4, 2006 -- In a press release issued today by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s special Office of Looking on the Bright Side, the administration pointed out that despite continuing widespread and escalating violence in the chaotic region, nearly 21 million Iraqis have not yet been killed or wounded.

This, while a decrease from the 21.5 million not yet killed or wounded highlighted in an earlier announcement, still represents, according to a Rumsfeld spokesmen, "a very large percentage of the populace thus far not yet killed or wounded."

New York, March 12, 2008 -- Worldwide stock markets fell sharply today on fears investors may react negatively to widespread nervousness regarding the potential for a downward market trend. The steep drop during morning trading led to a broad tumble across all major sectors, with panicky investors interpreting the fall as an indication of a setback in investor confidence.

Platte Flats, Utah, June 29, 2166 -- Extra-terrestrials from the planet Koob in the star system Rigel Kentaurus announced today their 200,000-year program of observing and testing human life is now complete.

Koobian Holograph Device

The announcement is expected to come as a welcome relief to the millions of individuals whose generally unwilling participation in the program has long been met with ridicule, ostracism and flawed diagnoses of mental disorders.

Washington, D.C., February 3, 2008 -- In an effort to stave off a looming recession in the wake of moribund consumer sentiment, ongoing turmoil in world credit markets and the subprime lending crisis, the White House announced today that major progress has been made on an Electronic Stimulation Package, the final details of which will be announced shortly.