Everyone on Planet an Incompetent Buffoon, Study Finds
Cedar Shingle, Nebraska, June 11, 2041 -- A major study recently concluded by the Institute for Highly Normal Phenomena has determined that every individual on the planet is an incompetent buffoon. The results, while unsurprising to most laymen, nonetheless confirm scientifically for the first time an impression that has been shared by most members of the human race since, approximately, the dawn of time.
Incompetence Chart: Incompetence Levels (People), as determined by Institute for Highly Normal Phenomena
New Creationism Law Flaws Diamond Markets
Johannesburg, April 9, 2011 -- Following the recent successful passage of the controversial Creation Law bill in the United States, an unexpected scientific wrinkle emerged as a consequence that has sent international diamond markets into a dramatic tailspin.
Shiny object formerly known as natural diamond
Top Spammers Launch Internet Bank/Pharmacy
Cyberspace, April 16, 2014 -- An international coalition of leading email spammers announced today the launch of the first combined web-based virtual bank/pharmacy. The launch was made public through a proactive marketing campaign consisting of 19.6 trillion personal email messages with subject lines such as "Fw: Cia:|is & Via:gra", "RE:RE We want approve yours loan osd" and "Diamond Equities pseudotropine wyoming spiffily" delivered directly to the inboxes of grateful consumers.
Mel Gibson to Change Name from Mel Gibson to Mel Gibson
Hollywood, California, March 12, 2007 -- Mel Gibson, the Hollywood superstar whose characteristically anti-Semitic remarks caused a media frenzy last summer, announced he will be changing his name from Mel Gibson to "Mel Gibson" as an act of atonement.
The artist formerly known as "Mel Gibson", now to be referred to as "Mel Gibson"
3rd Iraq Study Group Report Calls for Iterative –Izations
Washington, D.C., December 6, 2016 -- The 3rd Iraq Study Group Report, delivered by its distinguished panel to the president and released to the American public today, calls for "an iterative process of –izing things, with the order of –izations to be varied both stochastically and in accordance with prevailing conditions on the ground." Excerpts from the Executive Summary of the 3rd Iraq Study Group Report follow:
3rd Iraq Study Group Report
Letter from the Co-Chairs
China First With Citizen RFID Implants
Beijing, March 19, 2010 -- A press release issued by the Chinese government today announced the countrywide implementation of a new high-tech tracking initiative designed to "increase security and prosperity for all citizens of the People's Republic of China."
The plan, detailed by Zhou Bo Kai, chief executive of China's Ministry of Public Security, will involve the implantation of long-range, high-frequency RFID devices in every one of China's estimated 1.4 billion citizens over the next 18 months.
Mitt Romney Campaign Reportedly Sought HGH from John McCain Campaign
Duluth, February 3, 2008 -- A humiliated senior advisor to the Mitt Romney for President campaign admitted yesterday that he on several occasions had “tried to score” HGH, human growth hormone, from members of the John McCain campaign.
The advisor, who agreed to talk to reporters on the condition that he not be identified, said the HGH was not intended for his own use, but rather for Mr. Romney himself, whom the advisor described as a “first-class weenie”.
Ham Sandwich Inc. To Acquire IBM
Brockton, MA, March 3, 2011 -- Ham Sandwich Inc. announced today that it has signed a letter of intent to acquire all outstanding shares of common stock of International Business Machines Corp. (IBM) for $63 per share. The offer will be up for vote at a special meeting of shareholders scheduled for April 7, 2011. Should the tender be approved, the purchase will be the fifth major acquisition by Ham Sandwich this year, making it the 19th largest corporation in the world.
Creationist Paleontologists Discover Dinosaur Saddle
Mud Flaps, Arizona, March 29, 2006 -- A team of creationist paleontologists from the Discovery Institute's main field research arm announced today that they had discovered the remains of a large manmade object confirmed to be an ancient dinosaur saddle.
Dinosaur saddle discovered by Discovery Institute paleontological expedition near Mud Flaps, Arizona
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