Mike Huckabee Blamed For Surge in "Artful Dodgers"
Charleston, South Carolina, August 9, 2016 -- The recent nationwide explosion in pre-teen pickpockets has been traced to the first-term policies of president Mike Huckabee, according to a new study.
The analysis, conducted by the respected Institute for Alarming Developments in Charleston, South Carolina, found a “confluence of poorly conceived notions, badly executed” responsible for the current pickpocketing plague on the citizens of the United States.
Iraqi President Bush May Be Stoned For Blasphemy
Baghdad, Iraq, March 12, 2012 -- Iraqi President George W. Bush is currently in perhaps the most pressing peril of his long political career following a conviction by the highest religious court of Iraq for blasphemy, a crime punishable by death under Iraq's strict Sharia law. Under the ruling, President Bush is scheduled to be executed via public stoning before the next full moon, expected March 30. A spokesman for Bush stated he plans to appeal the ruling.
FCC Seeks to Bleep Meta-Profanity
Washington, D.C., November 12, 2008 -- The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) appears set to respond to pressure from an insistent and shrill phalanx of self-described consumer watchdog groups that have demanded that the well-known TV and radio "bleep" be censored under public airwave obscenity laws. According to the groups, the "bleep", by serving as a placeholder for profanity, itself constitutes profanity, or, as the groups describe it, "meta-profanity".
House Outlaws Computers in Wake of Masturgate
Washington, D.C., February 12, 2007 -- Speaker of the House Dennis ("Denny") Hastert announced yesterday that the U.S. House of Representatives has banned all computers, BlackBerries, modern cell phones and other electronic communications devices from its offices and related premises.
House Speaker Dennis Hastert, co-sponsor of the IM Clean Act
Justice Roberts Admits to "Taking a Dive" During Oath of Office
Washington, D.C., January 21, 2009 -- Chief Justice John G. Roberts admitted early this morning that he had "taken a dive" during the administration yesterday of the Oath of Office to President Barack H. Obama during the new president's inauguration, claiming a "momentary lapse of jurisprudence".
Michael Jackson Found Guilty on All Counts
Brentwood, CA, August 29, 2016 -- The troubled nuclear physicist and former pop idol Michael Jackson has been found guilty on all counts in what pundits have labeled "The Trial of This Week". Sentencing is expected to occur early next month. Most courtroom observers predict Jackson will receive up to one month of house-arrest at his six-room condominium in Brentwood, and a fine of up to $400 dollars payable in cash or check.
Yellowstone Eruption Scuttles Balloon Regatta
Chicago, IL, July 22, 2019 -- A massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone National Park yesterday wreaked havoc for the organizers and balloon captains of the 9th Annual Hot Air Balloon Regatta, causing disappointment among surviving spectators and participants. The eruption, which had not been anticipated by the regatta's organizers, severely disrupted the day's events and may force Western Ballooning to cancel the project altogether for this year.
Justice Harriet Miers Steps Down, Citing Confusion
Washington, D.C., December 29, 2008 -- In an unprecedented development, Harriet Miers, who was confirmed in 2005 as Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court, announced this morning she will be voluntarily stepping down from the post, citing "confusion over constitutional issues, court procedure, and generally how to be a judge." Should she proceed with her announced intentions, Justice Miers will become, with three years on the job, the shortest-serving Supreme Court Justice in American history.
NFL Owners Change Name, Game
New York, July 19, 2017 -- Team owners of National Football League (NFL) formally approved the new team restrictions, salary caps, rules and official name change for the Professional American & International National Football League (PAINFL).
PAINFL commissioner Adam Sandler explained, “There were a number of factors contributing to the need for this massive overhaul of the NFL. Skyrocketing salaries, teams changing cities, decreased attendance, retired numbers and fewer athletes available, the list goes on, but all of these things all played a part in the need for this drastic change.”
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