Entire Cast of Survivor Guatemala Killed in Nuclear Bunker-Buster Test Blunder
Guatemala City, Guatemala, December 2, 2005 -- Fans and viewers of the popular CBS reality television show Survivor Guatemala: The Maya Empire were dealt a disappointing blow with the admission by the US Defense Department that it had inadvertently vaporized the entire remaining cast in a nuclear weapons testing blunder yesterday.
A spokesman for CBS said the incident was "regrettable", but added that the network plans to continue the series with a resurrected cast of surviving former Survivors under the name Survivor Guatemala: The Day After.
Ron Paul for President Campaign Hires Top Internet Spammer
Washington, D.C., September 12, 2007 -- The Ron Paul for President campaign announced today it had hired Roy R. Schecter, a widely vilified international purveyor of spam email, to bolster its seemingly unstoppable grass-roots Internet campaign. A spokesman for Ron Paul said Schecter, 26, will take charge of coordinating the campaign's innovative Internet marketing efforts.
Rudy Giuliani, After Florida Primary Defeat, Begs Rivals For Some Punishment
Okefenokee National Wildlife Refuge, Florida, January 31, 2008 -- One-time Republican presidential frontrunner and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani issued a heartfelt and occasionally tear-filled appeal to leading Republican candidates John McCain and Mitt Romney for “a little bit of freaking attention” following his unimpressive 13% showing in yesterday's Republican primary election in Florida.
GM Reveals the 2011 HUMMER Wee
Los Angeles, November 22, 2009 -- Ailing automaker GM revealed a radical new direction for its troubled HUMMER brand with the launch today of the HUMMER Wee at the 2009 Los Angeles Auto Show.
2011 HUMMER Wee
The HUMMER Wee, according to GM spokesman Putney Shiphlick, "provides a winning combination of old-time machismo and trendy modern environmental do-gooderism".
Expectations Shrinking for Very Small People Project
Salt Lake City, Utah, June 29, 2108 -- A spokesman for the Human Reduction Institute's Very Small People Project announced at their annual meeting today that the group had achieved "only limited success" thus far in their attempts to reduce the size of human beings by 90 percent or more. The project, which has been coming under increasing fire over the past decade, may now be in danger of being scuttled altogether. Representatives of the institute remain optimistic, however.
Bush Kidnaps North Korean Propaganda Dream Team
Washington, D.C., March 9, 2006 -- With President Bush's popularity ratings continuing to break all-time lows in nationwide opinion polls, the administration has taken the unusual step of kidnapping North Korean leader Kim Jong II's world-famous propaganda "dream team" in an effort to reverse the downward trend.
President Cheney Shills For Grand Canyon Oil Drill Plan
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2009 -- President Dick Cheney announced this morning a sweeping new Grand Canyon Oil Exploration Initiative during a speech in the White House Rose Garden. The plan calls for the full-scale industrial exploitation of Grand Canyon National Park, which is believed by President Cheney to contain "significant, or at least a few, oil reserves".
Following is the official White House transcript of the President's speech:
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Low Bush Approval Ratings Save Taxpayers Millions This Election Year
Washington, D.C., July 19, 2006 -- With President Bush's approval ratings hovering in the mid-twenties, the generally avid campaigner has achieved something more akin to a pariah status as increasing numbers of Republican senators, congressmen and governors up for election or re-election this November ask the president to "please just stay the hell out of my state".
Indianapolis Colts' Undefeated NFL Season Questionable
Indianapolis, IN - December 22, 2006 -- After trouncing all the opponents on their schedule this year, the Indianapolis Colts are doing their best to get over the recent kidnapping of their Pro-Bowl quarterback Peyton Manning and are continuing their quest to complete the season at a perfect 16-0.
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