Irate Driver Inadvertently Flips Off Own Grandmother

Regional Urban Locality, June 22, 2016 -- A local man, Henry Dribbler, told reporters today he was distraught to have discovered that the driver to whom he “flipped the bird” yesterday was none other than his own maternal grandmother, Sue Ellen Fecundite.

Electric Goldfish Makes Waves In Robotics

Osaka, Japan, August 22, 2007 -- Engineers at Daikyo-Tonabayashi have confirmed the production of the first robot goldfish, years ahead of schedule. Recent developments in nanotechnology and the introduction of the Sentium microchip 80747 have made possible a breakthrough of extraordinary magnitude: a fully operational electronic tropical companion.

Recall Ordered Following Econo-Spleen Fatalities

Bentrix, Utah, June 29, 2072 -- The Consumer Product Safety Commission (Conprosafe) has ordered a recall of over 342,000 Econo-Spleen brand artificial spleens following a new surge in spleen-related deaths. The recall affects all Bentrix spleens manufactured and installed prior to April, 2069. Users of recently implanted Econo-Spleens are urged to immediately contact their local splenectomy center for identification and replacement. K. Uiloi Forfor 9b, Vice-Attaché for Lesser Organs at Bentrix, downplayed the recall as "trivial dissociative panic".

America's 400 Richest Join Forces to Eradicate Poverty, Hunger

New York, November 22, 2005 -- In a stunning development that will improve and save the lives of billions, and perhaps even change the course of history, the 400 wealthiest people in the United States have signed an agreement to each contribute half their assets to a newly formed global fund to fight poverty, hunger and disease.

Americans Are Evolving

Washington, DC February 27, 2041 -- Randall M. Humphrey, M.D., Director of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), made it official earlier today when he unequivocally stated, "Americans are evolving." This proclamation was welcomed by many in the American scientific community who have spent the last three decades researching and documenting developments occurring with the anatomy of newborn children and following the growth pattern into adulthood

New Wal-Mart Fitness Policy Breaks Ground for Employee Health

Bentonville, Arkansas, January 22, 2006 -- Wal-Mart's new employee fitness program has been a "dazzling success" in the first three months of its operation, a Wal-Mart spokesman, Chip Kraippe, said yesterday. The new policy, which was announced by the unusual means of a closely-held internal memo that was leaked in October of last year, dictates that all Wal-Mart employees are required to perform at least one hour of high-impact physical activity each day, regardless of their duty assignment.

Checkout Clerk Adds Apples and Oranges, Earth Wobbles

Madison, WI September 14, 2014 -- Last week’s cataclysmic, global seismic event that resulted in countless deaths across the globe and property losses estimated to be in the trillions of dollars appears to have been caused by an unassuming checkout clerk in Madison, Wisconsin.

Reentry of Shuttle Diplomacy Burns NASA

Washington, D.C., October 2, 2006 -- The escalating feud between U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and NASA (the National Aeronautics and Space Administration) over the proposed use of Space Shuttle Atlantis for diplomatic purposes has tempers in both camps on the verge of explosion, NASA sources said today.

Federal Minimum Wage Rate Reduced To Button

Washington, D.C., March 22, 2015 -- Despite stiff opposition from Democrats, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives today approved a measure officially reducing the federal minimum wage rate from $5.15 per hour to one button.

Example of the new federal minimum wageExample of the new federal minimum wage

While individual states will still have the right granted by President Clinton to set their own minimum wages higher, no state will henceforth be required to pay workers more than the newly mandated button.

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