Bush Kidnaps North Korean Propaganda Dream Team
Washington, D.C., March 9, 2006 -- With President Bush's popularity ratings continuing to break all-time lows in nationwide opinion polls, the administration has taken the unusual step of kidnapping North Korean leader Kim Jong II's world-famous propaganda "dream team" in an effort to reverse the downward trend.
Texas Rings In New Clean Air Rules With Tire Fire
Austin, January 22, 2008 -- Texas Governor Rick Perry hailed the passage of strengthened air quality controls for Texas with a rousing public celebration yesterday featuring a Texas-style bonfire made entirely of recycled tires.
Houston, Texas (center)
Study Finds Less to be Less, Not More, Than More
Sioux City, Iowa – March 29, 2019 – A three-year study performed by the respected Group for the Logical Reassessment of Paradoxical Phraseology (GLIBB) in Sioux City, Iowa has revealed that less is in fact less, rather than more, than more.
Van Gogh self-portrait: "lessened" version
The determination is expected to have a wide-reaching impact on the manufacture and distribution of homely aphorisms throughout the American Midwest, a $3 billion a year industry.
Recall Ordered Following Econo-Spleen Fatalities
Bentrix, Utah, June 29, 2072 -- The Consumer Product Safety Commission (Conprosafe) has ordered a recall of over 342,000 Econo-Spleen brand artificial spleens following a new surge in spleen-related deaths. The recall affects all Bentrix spleens manufactured and installed prior to April, 2069. Users of recently implanted Econo-Spleens are urged to immediately contact their local splenectomy center for identification and replacement. K. Uiloi Forfor 9b, Vice-Attaché for Lesser Organs at Bentrix, downplayed the recall as "trivial dissociative panic".
Avant News Job Interview Tips: How to Fake the Liver Biopsy
Macon, Georgia, September 22, 2010 -- A recent survey performed by the Online Job-Seekers Bureau found that increasingly stringent rules for potential job applicants now frequently include such measures as requiring that liver biopsies, brain samples, and loyalty oaths be submitted along with a resume.A spokesman for the Online Job-Seekers Bureau said he found the trend "understandable, but troubling".
Confused President Bush Nabs Reggie Bush's Heisman Trophy
New York, December 10, 2005 -- An apparently confused and disoriented President George W. Bush appeared unexpectedly at Manhattan's Nokia Theatre in Times Square today to accept the Downtown Athletic Club's prestigious Heisman Trophy, the highest honor awarded annually in college football.
The president's crashing of the ceremony severely disrupted proceedings and cast some doubt as to whether the award will in fact be awarded to its actual intended recipient, USC running back Reggie Bush, who has long been considered a favorite to clinch the trophy.
Bush Withdraws Justice Samuel Alito's Supreme Court Nomination
Washington, D.C., March 2, 2006 -- President George W. Bush said today he will be withdrawing his nomination of Justice Samuel Alito to the United States Supreme Court, citing "second thoughts". According to President Bush, Justice Alito, who was swept into the court on a initial tide of nearly universal approval among conservatives, "isn't working out exactly like I planned it".
Most Studies Find Nothing, Study Finds
Macon, Georgia, August 22, 2077 -- The most comprehensive study of studies ever attempted has conclusively determined that few, if any, studies ever actually determine anything. At least not conclusively.
Reentry of Shuttle Diplomacy Burns NASA
Washington, D.C., October 2, 2006 -- The escalating feud between U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and NASA (the National Aeronautics and Space Administration) over the proposed use of Space Shuttle Atlantis for diplomatic purposes has tempers in both camps on the verge of explosion, NASA sources said today.
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