Miss Universe 2007 Pageant Won By Iittikkupt Wrttkkyl of 55 Cancri System
Bangkok, Thailand, July 9, 2007 -- For the first time since the inauguration of the Miss Universe Beauty Pageant in 1952, the coveted Miss Universe crown will be proudly borne by a being from beyond the Earth's immediate solar system. Dark horse entry Iittikkupt Wrttkkyl of the planet Oog in the 55 Cancri System upset favorites Candee Pakige of California, Sindee del Pinar of Rio de Janeiro and Casynella Ollivierre of St.
White House to Name Czar Czar
Washington, D.C., June 12, 2009 -- Responding to growing public dissatisfaction with the administration of President Mayor Rudy Giuliani, the White House announced today the imminent appointment of a Czar Czar who will personally oversee and take charge of all of the administration's smaller, task-targeted czars.
President Mayor Rudy Giuliani at Inauguration Day After-party
Checkout Clerk Adds Apples and Oranges, Earth Wobbles
Madison, WI September 14, 2014 -- Last week’s cataclysmic, global seismic event that resulted in countless deaths across the globe and property losses estimated to be in the trillions of dollars appears to have been caused by an unassuming checkout clerk in Madison, Wisconsin.
Quantum Particles Have Tiny Faces
Pork Barrel, UT, August 30, 2019 -- Researchers at the prestigious Umberthumb Institute's Very Tiny Particle Refractor announced yesterday a remarkable new insight into the characteristics of the numerous and disparate subatomic particles that form the building blocks of atoms. Data from the recently enhanced reflector have allowed scientists to "view" the particles for the first time, with astounding results.
Microsoft Launches MS-Word Ultimate® With Poetry Checker
Redmond, WA, November 2, 2006 -- Microsoft Products announced today that MS-Word Ultimate®, available Spring 2007 and currently in the beta testing process, will include a Poetry Checker among its new features. While the product performs its designated functions flawlessly, it has nonetheless met with somewhat mixed reviews.
Man Divorces Wife
Boston, August 22, 2006 -- Douglas Shale, a certified public accountant from Newton, Massachusetts, recently created an uproar among Marriage Protection Amendment proponents by filing for divorce from Sheila, his wife of nearly 14 months. Spokesmen for numerous conservative and right-wing religious groups denounced Shale's action as "shameful", and vowed to seek legislation to legally block any such future recourse.
Rush Limbaugh Abducted by Dung Beetles, Presumed Eaten
New York, July 29, 2007 -- Rush Limbaugh, the widely distributed right-wing radio and television commentator, was apparently abducted by a large swarm of dung beetles from his Manhattan studios yesterday. The abduction interrupted Limbaugh's regular afternoon live radio broadcast, resulting in several minutes of dead air which were subsequently filled by a Pat Robertson "700 Club" rebroadcast suggesting gays in the military should be used for target practice.
Rush Limbaugh, Dung Beetle (left, right)
The Tuvalu Buoy Project: Desperation and Defiance
Funafuti, Tuvalu, October 29, 2006 -- Residents of the tiny nation of Tuvalu have embarked on a remarkable effort to save their homeland from the rising sea levels that are threatening to swamp the string of small islands Tuvalu's inhabitants call home.
Tuvalu (actual size)
Bill Frist Explains the Blind Trust (and Announces Presidential Candidacy)
Tachs-Yelter, Utah, December 22, 2005 -- Hi, Avant News Readers. I'm Senator Bill Frist, a United States Senator from the great state of Tennessee. Best of all, I'm Senate Majority Leader, which means I'm the most important of all the white male millionaires in tailored suits tasked with acting out the people's will until I get indicted, which we all know might not probably happen anytime soon.
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