Polarization Fertility Experiment Goes Awry, Creating Magnetic Babies

Brush Canyon, Nevada, June 22, 2011 -- Reproductive scientists at the Bohnin Fertility Laboratory in Brush Canyon, Nevada, report that that an experiment into improving fertility through the ionic polarization of zygotes has resulted in some unintended side effects. Specifically, children conceived through the controversial polarization process display powerful, and seemingly permanent, magnetic qualities.

Magnetic spermMagnetic sperm

Anna Nicole Smith Allegedly Marries, Eats Nine Elderly Billionaires

Malibu, February 4, 2011 -- Anna Nicole Smith, the former exotic dancer, Playboy model, weight-loss product spokesperson and failed "reality show" star whose legal struggle to secure a large portion of the estate of her late billionaire husband of nearly nine weeks went as far as the United States Supreme Court before being thrown out in a hail of hysterical spittle, is making headlines again this month in a controversial incident that some observers suggest may have legal implications. Ms.

Rush Limbaugh Volunteers for Iraq Tour of Duty

New York, March 12, 2007 -- Rush Limbaugh, the well-known syndicated right-wing radio "dissonance-jockey" and top cheerleader for the ongoing Iraq war, has volunteered to serve an initial 12-month tour of active combat duty in Iraq.

Private Limbaugh's Armored Combat WinnebagoPrivate Limbaugh's Armored Combat Winnebago

Fossilized Feces of Jesus Wreaks Havoc

Holy See, August 29, 2020 -- The recent discovery of a fossilized lump of human feces believed to have once emerged from the body of Jesus Christ, Son of God, has swept a whirlpool of excitement and controversy throughout the altars of the religious world.

Cave in which fossilized fecal matter of Jesus was discoveredCave in which fossilized fecal matter of Jesus was discovered

Australia Gears Up Tactical Nuclear Program

Whitefinger, Antartica, May 28, 2039 -- The second round of Australian nuclear testing is now underway, with the above ground detonation of a 200 megaton tactical nuclear device yesterday evening in the Whitefinger Proving Grounds near the Rumpled Territories of Western Antartica, a spokesman for the Australian Ministry of Defense announced today.

Playboy University Enrolls First Class of Coeds

Beverly Hills, CA September 11, 2009 -- Donna Perkowski is not your typical college freshman. This 21 year old coed already has a résumé stacked with work experience and accomplishments. While her sexy set of credentials are massive, she feels that a university degree from Playboy University will thrust her toward one of the top positions within her field.

Bronze bust of Pamela Anderson's bust in the admissions office welcomes Playboy University coedsBronze bust of Pamela Anderson's bust in the admissions office welcomes Playboy University coeds

Michael Jackson Found Guilty on All Counts

Brentwood, CA, August 29, 2016 -- The troubled nuclear physicist and former pop idol Michael Jackson has been found guilty on all counts in what pundits have labeled "The Trial of This Week". Sentencing is expected to occur early next month. Most courtroom observers predict Jackson will receive up to one month of house-arrest at his six-room condominium in Brentwood, and a fine of up to $400 dollars payable in cash or check.

Yellowstone Eruption Scuttles Balloon Regatta

Chicago, IL, July 22, 2019 -- A massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone National Park yesterday wreaked havoc for the organizers and balloon captains of the 9th Annual Hot Air Balloon Regatta, causing disappointment among surviving spectators and participants. The eruption, which had not been anticipated by the regatta's organizers, severely disrupted the day's events and may force Western Ballooning to cancel the project altogether for this year.

Pat Robertson Vaporized By Asteroid Apophis

Lexington, Virginia, April 13, 2029 -- Pat Robertson, the aging former televangelist and radical Christian conservative, was struck and killed today by the widely-feared Apophis asteroid in a freak accident veteran observers are terming "an act of God".

God's Green Acres nursing home, Lexington, Virginia (after Apophis asteroid impact)God's Green Acres nursing home, Lexington, Virginia (after Apophis asteroid impact)

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