Citing Faltering Economy, Lawmakers to Forego Cocktails
Washington, D.C., May 19, 2008 -- In a bi-partisan, largely symbolic gesture intended to draw attention to the faltering US economy and its impact on the vanishing middle class, Congress agreed today to no longer provide free booze at government-sponsored events. The BYOB agreement is expected to save American taxpayers up to $291 million annually.
Microsoft, Micronesia Reach a Deal
Redmond, WA, October 12, 2018 -- "Time to go buy a new globe" was the opening statement by Bill Gates at today’s news conference at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington. The aging Microsoft founder startled the world this morning in announcing the purchase of Micronesia. "I am pleased to introduce to the world the new country of the Federated States of Microsoftnesia," Gates proclaimed.
Movie Review: Al Pacino Shines in "Scalito's Way"
New York, January 22, 2006 -- Al Pacino brings his epic screen presence to another gritty drama with this fall's release of Brian de Palma's Scalito's Way, a bleak and riveting film-noir post-prequel/remake slotted between a recent prequel, After Hours, and the original 1993 film masterpiece, Carlito's Way, both based on the books by Judge Edwin Torres.
NSA Secretely Wiretapped Jesus, Discloses Senate Panel
Washington, D.C., August 29, 2006 -- The National Security Agency (NSA) extensively wiretapped and conducted other surveillance activities targeting Jesus of Nazareth over a period of at least four years, a report issued by the Special Senate Investigative Panel into Unlawful Domestic Surveillance Activities disclosed today.
Jesus (artist's impression)
God Rebukes Bush for Presumption of Blessing
Earth, January 22, 2007 -- Speaking in a worldwide multimedia simulcast, God, Creator of the Universe, yesterday rebuked U.S. President George W. Bush for repeatedly using the phrase "May God continue to bless America" in speeches.
President George W. Bush: slightly shorter, slightly fatter following divine intervention
God, Whose voice was controlled but Whose tone was at times testy, warned that He has been punishing and will continue to punish Bush for the conceit inherent in the phrase.
Rogue Goose Foils Final Missile Shield Test
Hurricane Harbor, California, October 27, 2008 -- An errant Canada goose has been blamed for the failure of the 25th and final test of George W. Bush's missile shield, a defense department spokesman said today.
A "gimpy goose" such as that held responsible for latest missile shield failure
Teen 'Cap Busting' on the Rise
Mobile, AL, March 5, 2018 -- Ashlee Drummond’s footsteps echo along the corridor as she nervously awaits word from the doctor on the condition of her son, Roger. Ashlee joins tens of thousands of parents across the U.S. who have faced or are facing the result of the latest teen craze sweeping the nation -- cap busting. For those unfamiliar with the phrase, cap busting involves voluntarily shooting off one's kneecap with a shotgun.
Study Suggests Malaise May Be Linked to Angst
Torpor, North Dakota, March 9, 2008 -- Partial results released today from a $200 million Umbilicus Observation Center study into psychological conditions indicate that angst may be a significant contributing factor to sufferers of malaise, particularly in adolescents, and vice versa. Other factors may include ennui, lassitude, butterflies, jitters, apathy, doldrums and the heebie-jeebies.
U.S. Military to Reduce Iraq Troop Levels From 138,000 to 163,000
Washington, D.C., June 19, 2006 -- Citing an improving security situation in key Iraqi provinces, U.S. military commanders say they have begun the long-promised task of reducing the American troop presence in Iraq, beginning with a reduction to about 163,000 from the current 138,000 scheduled over the next six months.
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