Nostalgic Bush Says FY09 Budget "Last Chance to Shaft the Poor"
Washington, D.C., February 12, 2008 -- An unusually somber and introspective President George W. Bush, presenting the details of his $3.1 trillion fiscal year 2009 budget proposal for members of the American Plutocrats Union, a conservative group, lamented that the budget proposal represents his “last chance to shaft the poor.” He urged the assembled audience to do “everything in their powers” to convince their elected representatives that the budget proposal represented an historic opportunity that may not return for a decade or more.
Tastes Like Chicken? Not Possible, Scientists Find
Macon, Georgia, October 11, 2014 -- Scientists at the respected St. Ambrose Poultry Institute of Macon, Georgia have at last dispelled the widely held misperception that virtually every moderately unusual food tastes like chicken by proving that, in point of fact, nothing does.
"We've proven that, contrary to popular belief, it's actually a scientific impossibility for any known commonly consumed dietary substance to resemble the flavor of chicken," said Skinwood Neckle, Research Director at the Institute's Comparative Flavor Analysis section.
Auditions Begin Today For Bush's Experimental New "Reality Cabinet"
Washington, D.C., February 2, 2007 -- Following the indictment and/or resignation in 2005 and 2006 of virtually the entire West Wing of the White House, President George W. Bush will be trying a new, experimental approach to governing for the remainder of his term with a so-called "reality cabinet" modeled on the popular format used by roughly 33,502 different, if hauntingly similar, television programs.
Leading Astrologer Confesses: "It's All Bunk"
Las Vegas, June 22, 2010 -- Zorothar, a leading astrologer with the respected International Coven of Prognosticative Stargazers, stunned the world's tabloid media yesterday with the admission that "everything we astrologers do is bunk, malarkey, nonsense and, frankly, complete bullshit."
Limbo Eliminated; Status of Purgatory in 'State of Limbo'
Rome, Italy February 12, 2006 -- The new catechism of Roman Catholic doctrine that did away with Limbo and was approved by Pope Benedict XVI in the middle of December 2005 threw the state of Limbo into a state of chaos. This catechism changing the eternal residence for those souls included in both the Limbo of the Fathers (limbus partum) and Limbo of Children (limbus infantium) by moving them straight to Heaven has left many souls wondering what happened and why.
Gay Anti-War Immigrant Shoots Friend of Vice President Dick Cheney
Armstrong, Texas, February 15, 2007 -- A gay immigrant anti-war activist hunting together with Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly shot and seriously wounded a member of their party earlier this week in what has been termed an "alleged hunting accident".
28-gauge Perazzi shotgun similar to the one used by Mr. Thimbles to shoot Vice President Cheney's friend Harry Whittington
White House Identified as Source of Massive Issue Spam
Washington, D.C., September 22, 2006 -- Investigators with the FCC announced today they have conclusively determined the White House to be the source of the chatty pro-Bush and pro-Republican "issue emails" that clogged an estimated 164 million American email inboxes last week.
While the rules regarding unsolicited political email are even fuzzier than those detailed in the CAN-SPAM Act regulating commercial email, a spokesman for the FCC did not rule out the possibility that criminal charges would be pursued.
Turns Out God Doesn't Particularly Care About Humans
Munich, November 2, 2019 -- The re-examination of a previously explored RNA genome code found on a rhinovirus, one of the class of viruses that cause the common cold, has revealed the surprising discovery that God is apparently not particularly interested in human beings at all, despite widespread belief to the contrary.
Human rhinovirus containing coded messages from God
President Bush 'Ownz' on Runescape
Washington, January 14, 2007 -- Prior to the November 7 midterm elections, many political analysts wondered how President Bush would handle the last two years of his presidency if the Democrats seized control of the Congress. Nearly all agreed it would be a lonely time for a President accustomed to being surrounded by friends in Congress. None of the analyst's observations included the possibility that President Bush would retreat from the world stage to the world of online gaming.
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