Colon, Michigan, December 9, 2008 -- For decades, his name was a household word, like Kleenex or Chapstick. Millions of people around the world had watched mystified as he defied physical laws and ordinances, performing remarkable magic tricks that were of equal delight to children, adults, and precocious horses. Today, in one of the great tragedies of modern necromancy, The Great Lumache is a broken man—lost, hopeless—bereft of illusions. An Avant News exclusive interview.

The Lumache Mansion in Colon, Michigan

Brattleboro, Vermont, April 19, 2007 -- A recent pharmacological study conducted by the American Institute for Studying Things Swallowed (AISTS) has discovered a previously unknown link between Viagra use and hubris. According to the study, frequent users of the performance-enhancing drug may suffer from a potentially self-destructive condition characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-worth, an over-estimation of one's personal capacities, and arrogant, potentially annoying behavior patterns.

Washington, D.C., March 12, 2009 -- President Dick Cheney announced this morning a sweeping new Grand Canyon Oil Exploration Initiative during a speech in the White House Rose Garden. The plan calls for the full-scale industrial exploitation of Grand Canyon National Park, which is believed by President Cheney to contain "significant, or at least a few, oil reserves".

Following is the official White House transcript of the President's speech:

--- TRANSCRIPT BEGINS ---

Great Neck, Long Island, August 3, 2012 -- The largest health awareness survey of vampires yet conducted found that six of every ten vampires surveyed could not identify their own blood group. Eight in ten were unaware of any potentially dangerous allergies other than sunlight, and only a tiny fraction carried full medical and/or life insurance.

Vampires as a group are dangerously short on basic medical coverage