Barkhaven, Missouri, November 7, 2018 -- The world's oldest person, Eleanor Micklebuckle, 129, of Elkhart, Illinois, confirmed that she was "not yet dead" when reached at her home today via telegram.

Ms. Micklebuckle, a retired plutonium finisher who credits "rubdowns, barley and electricity" for her exceptional longevity, said, "I still have a lot of appreciation for the many good things in life, even though I can't hear, see or smell them too good anymore. Thanks for checking in."

Alexandria, Virginia, February 12, 2008 -- Republican presidential candidate John McCain burned a witch yesterday outside his campaign headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia, in a gesture some political analysts believe was intended to dispel accusations by rivals that the political veteran may possess dangerously moderate tendencies.

The witch, a suburban mother of two who was found not only to have been a subscriber to The Nation magazine but who also enjoyed listening to Melissa Etheridge, was unavailable for comment following her reduction to a lump of liberal carbon by Mr. McCain.

Washington, D.C., December 3, 2005 -- Chief Justice of the United States William H. Rehnquist died yesterday evening in an incident unrelated to the many life-threatening illnesses that plagued his last years of life. Chief Justice Rehnquist served as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court from 1972, when nominated by President Nixon, until 1986, when he assumed the post of Chief Justice following President Reagan's nomination. Rehnquist will continue to serve posthumously, a move those familiar with judicial praxis describe as "highly unusual".

Washington, D.C., September 9, 2006 -- During an impromptu press availability in the White House Rose Garden today, President Bush announced he will, effective immediately, commence a hunger strike in pursuit of improved popularity ratings.

Marshmallow Fluff, a key ingredient in President Bush's favorite "Fluffergutter" sandwich, sacrificed for better poll numbers