Final Drafts of William Shakespeare's Manuscripts Found
Stratford-Upon-Avon, June 16, 2044 -- In the remains of a demolished pub on the outskirts of Stratford-Upon-Avon, a group of amateur archeologists have uncovered what may be the most sensational literary discovery of the century.
William Shakespeare. Good writer, bad editor.
Mel Gibson to Change Name from Mel Gibson to Mel Gibson
Hollywood, California, March 12, 2007 -- Mel Gibson, the Hollywood superstar whose characteristically anti-Semitic remarks caused a media frenzy last summer, announced he will be changing his name from Mel Gibson to "Mel Gibson" as an act of atonement.
The artist formerly known as "Mel Gibson", now to be referred to as "Mel Gibson"
3rd Iraq Study Group Report Calls for Iterative –Izations
Washington, D.C., December 6, 2016 -- The 3rd Iraq Study Group Report, delivered by its distinguished panel to the president and released to the American public today, calls for "an iterative process of –izing things, with the order of –izations to be varied both stochastically and in accordance with prevailing conditions on the ground." Excerpts from the Executive Summary of the 3rd Iraq Study Group Report follow:
3rd Iraq Study Group Report
Letter from the Co-Chairs
Low-Carb, No-Carb: The Fat's In The Fizz
Fairbanks, AK, March 22, 2012 -- A groundbreaking study into the root causes of obesity has shed new and remarkable light on why Americans are growing ever-heavier. At the heart of the discovery is a key factor that was overlooked for decades simply because, according to the research team, no one ever thought of looking there.
South Carolina Pumpkin Farmer Grows World's Smallest Pumpkin
Hephzibah, South Carolina, October 30, 2007 -- A Hephzibah, South Carolina pumpkin farmer wins this year's annual "World's Smallest Pumpkin" contest with a record-small 0.23 inch (0.5842 cm) diameter, perfectly formed miniature example of the popular pulpy orange Halloween seasonal fruit.
Ozzie Crenshaw's World's Smallest Pumpkin
The farmer, Ozzie Crenshaw, said he was "real excited" to have captured the grand prize at this year's prestigious event.
Taliban Strengthen Grip on People's Republic of South Dakota
South Dakota-Nebraska Border Region, July 19, 2011 -- According to a classified report leaked by the Department of Homeland Insecurity, elements of the radical fundamentalist Taliban are reported to have gained significant ground in the rocky and windswept hillsides of the breakaway Democratic People's Republic of South Dakota.
Breakaway Democratic People's Republic of South Dakota
Barack Obama Tops the Charts
Los Angeles, March 14, 2008 -- It is nothing new for popular musicians to throw their support behind a presidential candidate. Waldo Brumholder and the Whigettes were on the campaign trail for President William Henry Harrison. Frank Sinatra crooned for President John F. Kennedy. Toby Keith wailed in his own patriotic way for President George W. Bush in 2004. However, none of these examples can compare to the massive outpouring of support provided to Barack Obama in his 2008 bid for the presidency.
Cheney Offers to Stay on as Veep
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2008 -- In a move that surprised most pundits, Dick Cheney has offered to “stay on” as Vice President following the conclusion of President Bush's final term.
The offer, which the vice president announced during his regular 7:30 am interview on Fox Morning Talking Points, was extended to both Republican nominee John McCain and Democratic nominee Barack Obama.
Various Celebrities Reproduce, Wed, Sunbathe: An Avant News Exclusive Exposé
Hollywood, May 12, 2094 -- Shockingly, another week has gone by and it is once again time for the exclusive Avant News celebrity roundup, bringing you the juiciest, most prurient private details of the glamorous lives of your favorite familiar individuals. Our paparazzi and pepperoncini have been out in force this week, more than ever living up to their motto, "We do the stalking because you have to go to work". Let's get started!
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