DeLay, Rove, Safavian, Abramoff and Frist Showcase Prison Tats
Gainesville, Texas, November 11, 2014 -- While the runway mince was lunky and the torsos pale and portly, there was much to be savored last night at the season's gala Prison Tattoo premiere, held before a star-studded audience at the stylish Gainesville Federal License Plate Manufacturing Facility Grande Ballroom.
Karl Rove prison tattoos, detail (chest, belly)
Bill Gates Relaunches Self As XML-RPC Web Services Collection
Redmond, Washington, August 12, 2010 -- Bill Gates, citing "frustration with the inefficiency of organic processes", has relaunched himself as an XML-RPC based Web Services collection.
Bill Gates (decoded, virtual cross-section)
Cloned Giant Pandas Topple Chinese Government
Beijing, August 18, 2043 -- Cloned giant pandas have overturned the government of Chinese President Yo in an unanticipated cuddly coup d'état, diplomatic observers reported yesterday. According to Mr. Liu Wei, spokesman for President Yo, the coup is the end result of a government experimental cloning project "gone horribly wrong".
Panda Wu, Revered Revolutionary Leader of the Panda's Republic of Panda
Shoplifting Blamed for Federal Budget Deficit
Washington, D.C., April 16, 2010 -- A report by the Government Accountability Office (GAO) has determined that everyday shoplifting is to blame for the bulk of the federal government's projected $434 billion 2010 budget deficit.
God Chimes In On Intelligent Design
Chicago, IL, September 7, 2006 -- The increasingly vitriolic debate between religious conservatives and the scientific community took an unexpected turn yesterday when a voice confirmed to be that of God disparaged the idea of "intelligent design" as "a load of crap".
Study Finds Viagra May Cause Hubris
Brattleboro, Vermont, April 19, 2007 -- A recent pharmacological study conducted by the American Institute for Studying Things Swallowed (AISTS) has discovered a previously unknown link between Viagra use and hubris. According to the study, frequent users of the performance-enhancing drug may suffer from a potentially self-destructive condition characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-worth, an over-estimation of one's personal capacities, and arrogant, potentially annoying behavior patterns.
Expectations Shrinking for Very Small People Project
Salt Lake City, Utah, June 29, 2108 -- A spokesman for the Human Reduction Institute's Very Small People Project announced at their annual meeting today that the group had achieved "only limited success" thus far in their attempts to reduce the size of human beings by 90 percent or more. The project, which has been coming under increasing fire over the past decade, may now be in danger of being scuttled altogether. Representatives of the institute remain optimistic, however.
Greeting Card Writer Joins Bush Staff
Washington, D.C. February 22, 2006 -- Due to the recent spate of early resignations and arrests, the Bush administration has been crippled by a lack of experienced staff in key positions. Scott McClellan today announced that the search for an experienced deputy chief of staff to replace the convicted Karl “Turd Blossom” Rove would be former greeting card writer Sherman Alberts.
Low Bush Approval Ratings Save Taxpayers Millions This Election Year
Washington, D.C., July 19, 2006 -- With President Bush's approval ratings hovering in the mid-twenties, the generally avid campaigner has achieved something more akin to a pariah status as increasing numbers of Republican senators, congressmen and governors up for election or re-election this November ask the president to "please just stay the hell out of my state".
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