GOP Moves to Add Nine Months to Official Age of Americans
Washington, D.C., August 22, 2008 -- A powerful anti-abortion phalanx of the Republican congressional majority has launched an initiative toward redefining age based on the group's fundamental "life begins at conception" premise. The initiative, if passed, will have the effect of adding approximately nine months to the official age of every American.
NSA Domestic Spy Team Wins US Stock Traders Challenge For 4th Consecutive Year
Washington, D.C., April 9, 2008 -- Employees of the NSA (National Security Agency) won the coveted Federal Stock Traders Challenge for the 2008 season yesterday, marking the fourth straight win for the secretive communications surveillance agency.
NSA headquarters, Fort Meade, Maryland: Approximate location of NSA Headquarters, Fort George G. Meade, Maryland
Study Suggests Soul Sale Obesity Panacea
Palo Alto, California, August 12, 2022 -- A team of metaphysical researchers announced today a discovery that may provide a quick, painless, unexpected cure for chronic obesity. The dramatic conclusions were made public following the completion of a three-year study focused on determining the weight of human souls.
Human soul (detail)
GOP.com Delisted From Google For Repeated Syntactic Errors
Mountain View, CA, January 29, 2008 -- A spokesman for Google confirmed today the official website of the Republican party, gop.com, has been delisted from the internet search engine due to repeated spelling and syntactical errors.
A Google search for gop.com returns zero results
The spokesman said the decision to delist gop.com was made automatically on the basis of syntactical algorithms, and did not necessarily represent the opinion or action of any human Google employee.
Justice Roberts Admits to "Taking a Dive" During Oath of Office
Washington, D.C., January 21, 2009 -- Chief Justice John G. Roberts admitted early this morning that he had "taken a dive" during the administration yesterday of the Oath of Office to President Barack H. Obama during the new president's inauguration, claiming a "momentary lapse of jurisprudence".
Mexican Peace Wall to Stem Rising Tide of U.S. Illegals
Mexico City, August 27, 2039 -- "Good fences make good neighbors," intoned Mexican President Jorge Monclova as he dug the first ceremonial spadeful of sand to mark the commencement of the construction of Mexico's new, massive border tightening effort, dubbed the Peace Wall. The immense barrier, a sixty-foot high structure that will stretch the entire 1,920 mile length of Mexico's border with the United States, is designed to curb a rising groundswell of illegal immigration from the country's less affluent northern neighbor.
'Finnegans Wake' Movie Review
Hollywood, November 9, 2007 -- Oliver Stone’s latest movie, Finnegans Wake is based on the James Joyce novel by the same name and takes us on a curious journey from somewhere to somewhere else with a few twists along the road. Harold Pinter, English author and winner of the 2005 Nobel Prize in Literature, assisted Mr. Stone with moving the book from words to actions by solidifying the screenplay.
Pat Robertson Vaporized By Asteroid Apophis
Lexington, Virginia, April 13, 2029 -- Pat Robertson, the aging former televangelist and radical Christian conservative, was struck and killed today by the widely-feared Apophis asteroid in a freak accident veteran observers are terming "an act of God".
God's Green Acres nursing home, Lexington, Virginia (after Apophis asteroid impact)
Donald Rumsfeld Redefines "Insurgent", Issues "Donald Rumsfeld Guide"
Washington, D.C, January 2, 2006 -- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, apparently dissatisfied with the current American vernacular's inadequacy in consistently reflecting his own ideological positions, has issued a new pamphlet entitled Donald's Dictionary: The Donald Rumsfeld Guide To Positive Speaking. The Secretary of Defense said he hopes this word usage guide will help "keep the conversation on the right track, any deviation from which will only aide and abet the enemy".
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