Bush Kidnaps North Korean Propaganda Dream Team
Washington, D.C., March 9, 2006 -- With President Bush's popularity ratings continuing to break all-time lows in nationwide opinion polls, the administration has taken the unusual step of kidnapping North Korean leader Kim Jong II's world-famous propaganda "dream team" in an effort to reverse the downward trend.
6 in 10 Vampires Do Not Know Own Blood Group, Survey Finds
Great Neck, Long Island, August 3, 2012 -- The largest health awareness survey of vampires yet conducted found that six of every ten vampires surveyed could not identify their own blood group. Eight in ten were unaware of any potentially dangerous allergies other than sunlight, and only a tiny fraction carried full medical and/or life insurance.
Vampires as a group are dangerously short on basic medical coverage
Miss Universe 2007 Pageant Won By Iittikkupt Wrttkkyl of 55 Cancri System
Bangkok, Thailand, July 9, 2007 -- For the first time since the inauguration of the Miss Universe Beauty Pageant in 1952, the coveted Miss Universe crown will be proudly borne by a being from beyond the Earth's immediate solar system. Dark horse entry Iittikkupt Wrttkkyl of the planet Oog in the 55 Cancri System upset favorites Candee Pakige of California, Sindee del Pinar of Rio de Janeiro and Casynella Ollivierre of St.
White House to Name Czar Czar
Washington, D.C., June 12, 2009 -- Responding to growing public dissatisfaction with the administration of President Mayor Rudy Giuliani, the White House announced today the imminent appointment of a Czar Czar who will personally oversee and take charge of all of the administration's smaller, task-targeted czars.
President Mayor Rudy Giuliani at Inauguration Day After-party
Recall Ordered Following Econo-Spleen Fatalities
Bentrix, Utah, June 29, 2072 -- The Consumer Product Safety Commission (Conprosafe) has ordered a recall of over 342,000 Econo-Spleen brand artificial spleens following a new surge in spleen-related deaths. The recall affects all Bentrix spleens manufactured and installed prior to April, 2069. Users of recently implanted Econo-Spleens are urged to immediately contact their local splenectomy center for identification and replacement. K. Uiloi Forfor 9b, Vice-Attaché for Lesser Organs at Bentrix, downplayed the recall as "trivial dissociative panic".
America's 400 Richest Join Forces to Eradicate Poverty, Hunger
New York, November 22, 2005 -- In a stunning development that will improve and save the lives of billions, and perhaps even change the course of history, the 400 wealthiest people in the United States have signed an agreement to each contribute half their assets to a newly formed global fund to fight poverty, hunger and disease.
New Wal-Mart Fitness Policy Breaks Ground for Employee Health
Bentonville, Arkansas, January 22, 2006 -- Wal-Mart's new employee fitness program has been a "dazzling success" in the first three months of its operation, a Wal-Mart spokesman, Chip Kraippe, said yesterday. The new policy, which was announced by the unusual means of a closely-held internal memo that was leaked in October of last year, dictates that all Wal-Mart employees are required to perform at least one hour of high-impact physical activity each day, regardless of their duty assignment.
McDonald's To Open First Lunar Franchise
Sea of Tranquility, March 22, 2015 -- McDonald's, the ubiquitous globe-girdling fast food purveyor, announced today it will be expanding its operations beyond the confines of the earth's atmosphere with the launch of the first lunar franchise. The move marks not only the very first non-terrestrial McDonald's retail dining establishment, but the first non-terrestrial commercial franchise of any kind whatsoever.
The McDonald's McMoon: Full McDonald's McMoon, viewed from rural Pork Knuckle, Idaho
Virginia Boy Scouts Stumble on Cheney's Undisclosed Location
Roanoke, Virginia, March 12, 2008 -- A Blue Ridge Mountains Boy Scout troop accidentally discovered Vice President Dick Cheney's "undisclosed location" last week, a press officer with Boy Scouts of America said.
Possible undisclosed location of Dick Cheney's undisclosed location
The troop, consisting of a Scoutmaster and 17 boys from the region who were planning to camp for the night in the heavily wooded area, reportedly found the undisclosed location while hunting for shelter during a sudden hailstorm.
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