Rick Santorum
Top GOP Losers Reconsider Suicide PAC
Washington, D.C., January 9, 2007 -- Leading Republican senators who had formed a Suicide PAC prior to the 2006 midterm elections are now reconsidering their positions, beltway sources report. The unusual political action committee was designed to ensure members' reelections by codifying a formal "loss provision", under which PAC members vowed to commit suicide in the event of failure at the ballot box.
Outgoing Senator Rick Santorum, co-founder of DOH!
Bush Withdraws Justice Samuel Alito's Supreme Court Nomination
Washington, D.C., March 2, 2006 -- President George W. Bush said today he will be withdrawing his nomination of Justice Samuel Alito to the United States Supreme Court, citing "second thoughts". According to President Bush, Justice Alito, who was swept into the court on a initial tide of nearly universal approval among conservatives, "isn't working out exactly like I planned it".
Low Bush Approval Ratings Save Taxpayers Millions This Election Year
Washington, D.C., July 19, 2006 -- With President Bush's approval ratings hovering in the mid-twenties, the generally avid campaigner has achieved something more akin to a pariah status as increasing numbers of Republican senators, congressmen and governors up for election or re-election this November ask the president to "please just stay the hell out of my state".
Expectations Shrinking for Very Small People Project
Salt Lake City, Utah, June 29, 2108 -- A spokesman for the Human Reduction Institute's Very Small People Project announced at their annual meeting today that the group had achieved "only limited success" thus far in their attempts to reduce the size of human beings by 90 percent or more. The project, which has been coming under increasing fire over the past decade, may now be in danger of being scuttled altogether. Representatives of the institute remain optimistic, however.
Man Divorces Wife
Boston, August 22, 2006 -- Douglas Shale, a certified public accountant from Newton, Massachusetts, recently created an uproar among Marriage Protection Amendment proponents by filing for divorce from Sheila, his wife of nearly 14 months. Spokesmen for numerous conservative and right-wing religious groups denounced Shale's action as "shameful", and vowed to seek legislation to legally block any such future recourse.
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