Stocks Tumble on Self-fulfilling Prophecy Fears
New York, March 12, 2008 -- Worldwide stock markets fell sharply today on fears investors may react negatively to widespread nervousness regarding the potential for a downward market trend. The steep drop during morning trading led to a broad tumble across all major sectors, with panicky investors interpreting the fall as an indication of a setback in investor confidence.
Microsoft, Micronesia Reach a Deal
Redmond, WA, October 12, 2018 -- "Time to go buy a new globe" was the opening statement by Bill Gates at today’s news conference at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington. The aging Microsoft founder startled the world this morning in announcing the purchase of Micronesia. "I am pleased to introduce to the world the new country of the Federated States of Microsoftnesia," Gates proclaimed.
Fox Entertainment Owner Rupert Murdoch to Found Reality College
New York, October 19, 2006 -- Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, who through his vast entertainment conglomerate News Corp. controls reality show and infoganda channel Fox, announced plans yesterday to found a "reality college" to help shore up declining reality TV show ratings. The mission of the college, according to News Corp. spokesman Sam Vapore, will be "to teach dedicated reality television viewers and contestants how to act like real people."
New DreamTV Keeps Viewers Tuned In While They Sleep
Philadelphia, June 16, 2018 -- ToshibaSonyMagnavoxivision (TSM) yesterday announced the launch of their new, updated Dream TV Sleep Entertainment System, the DreamTV rEM99. A spokesman for TSM said, "We're absolutely delighted with the opportunities offered by the updated system, and are positive that consumers worldwide will be astonished with the ease and versatility with which it fulfils all of their sleep entertainment needs."
NSA Secretely Wiretapped Jesus, Discloses Senate Panel
Washington, D.C., August 29, 2006 -- The National Security Agency (NSA) extensively wiretapped and conducted other surveillance activities targeting Jesus of Nazareth over a period of at least four years, a report issued by the Special Senate Investigative Panel into Unlawful Domestic Surveillance Activities disclosed today.
Jesus (artist's impression)
Former Congressman Tom DeLay To Help Debug Microsoft Vista
Redmond, Washington, April 29, 2006 -- Tom DeLay, the disgraced and indicted former exterminator turned former congressman who recently stepped down from his post as the disgraced former House Majority Leader in order to "spend time teaching orphans to gerrymander" has been hired by Microsoft Corp. to seek bugs in the long-awaited, cantankerous and top-heavy Microsoft Vista operating system, the long-overdue sequel to the long-despised, cantankerous and top-heavy Microsoft Windows XP.
47 News Helicopters Collide Filming News Helicopter Collisions
Singleberry, West Virginia, August 22, 2013 -- An estimated 47 news helicopters collided and crashed this morning over a West Virginia highway interchange in what has been described by a zealous news anchor as "an unprecedented aerial pileup caused, no doubt, by over-zealous news anchors". While it remains unknown how many news personnel were killed or wounded in the collisions, due to the fact that those involved depleted virtually the entire local inventory of journalists, eyewitness reports suggest dozens or more may have been hurt.
President Bush Nabbed In Effort to Alter Own Wikipedia Entry
Wikispace, December 19, 2008 -- Outgoing President George W. Bush was caught yesterday attempting to polish his biographical entry on Wikipedia, sources close to the reclusive commander-in-chief admitted. The effort was immediately spotted by members of Wikipedia's large group of volunteer editors, who described President Bush's revisionist online foray as "comically inept".
President Bush attempts to alter own Wikipedia entry: Photograph by anonymous aide
Cheney Yearns for Return to Oil-Based Economy
Wichita, KS, January 16, 2047 -- In an exclusive interview with the award-winning Daily Mumbler of Wichita, Kansas, Former Vice President Dick Cheney spoke feelingly of his dream of "a return to the oil-based economy."
Interviewed at his home in suburban Wichita, the 106-year-old retired oil services company executive and former statesman discussed at length his feeling that the world had made "a wrong turn" in rejecting fossil fuels in favor of non-polluting, renewable energy resources. At times, his tone was wistful, at others vehement.
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