39 New Giant Hamster Flu Deaths Reported in Midwest
Sioux City, Iowa, October 12, 2030 -- The recently-formed Midwest Commission on Giant Hamster Flu (MCGHF) reported yesterday that an additional 39 men and women have succumbed in the past month to the latest outbreak of Giant Hamster Flu, or GHF. This brings the total GHF-linked death toll to over 400 for the first three quarters of the year, a 49 percent increase over 2029.
Officials of the MCGHF are now characterizing the outbreak as a serious pandemic with the potential for widespread contagion, although no cases of GHF spreading from human to human have yet been reported.
Bush & Cheney Send Chocolates, Long-Stemmed Roses, $29 Billion to ExxonMobil
Washington, D.C., February 14, 2006 -- ExxonMobil executives were surprised today by a Valentine's Day gift from President Bush and Vice President Cheney containing Godiva chocolates, 24 exquisite long-stemmed roses, and a $29 billion corporate welfare grant package consisting of tax breaks, tax incentives, reduced taxes, rebates on taxes both paid and unpaid, and several freight trains filled with cash. A spokesman for the grateful oil conglomerate said the company was "pleased as punch" by the subsidy and "would have something real nice for the whole gang when the time comes."
Halliburton Executive Mistakenly Leaves $1.7 Billion Contract As Tip
Washington, D.C., December 9, 2005 -- A Halliburton executive mistakenly left a $1.7 billion no-bid military procurement contract as a tip in a Washington, D.C. restaurant yesterday, a spokesman for the restaurant, B. Smith's at 50 Massachusetts Ave. NE, said yesterday.
McDonald's, Seeking Greener Image, to Offer Sun-Dried Coca-Cola
Oak Brook, IL, March 16, 2010 -- McDonald's, the globe-girdling fast food purveyor that has been criticized for peddling consumers consistently unhealthy food, announced yesterday its intention to begin offering "healthier choice" sun-dried alternatives. A spokesman for McDonald's said the company will be rolling out the sun-dried products in a selected range of major market areas during a preliminary testing phase, with worldwide adoption to follow.
Collection of McDonald's sun-dried hamburgers awaiting the fryer
GOP To Issue Targeted Ballots To Illegal Immigrants For Mid-Term Elections
Washington, D.C., October 5, 2006 -- Republican national committee chairman Ken Mehlman announced today that a special form of ballot will be issued to illegal immigrants across the United States in time for use in this November's pivotal mid-term elections.
The ballots, dubbed "Provisional Targeted Ballots" by the GOP, will allow illegal immigrants to actively participate in the "great and noble experiment that is American democracy", according to Mr. Mehlman, before being deported back to their homelands in boxcars by members of the Republican Guard (Immigrant Deportation Division).
Rapture Delayed Due to "Technical Issues"
Dubai, United Arab Emirates, February 9, 2010 -- God's spokesperson, Ermil Higgibilly, announced today that once again the rapture would be delayed. This latest calamity to befall God is expected to move back the time of the pretribulation rapture anywhere from a week to a month due to some 'technical issues' with God's website.
Palm Jumeirah: God's home/headquarters is located on the fifth branch up on the left, fourth frond over
Shoplifting Blamed for Federal Budget Deficit
Washington, D.C., April 16, 2010 -- A report by the Government Accountability Office (GAO) has determined that everyday shoplifting is to blame for the bulk of the federal government's projected $434 billion 2010 budget deficit.
Big Savings for Military Procurement Using "IKEA Model"
Hampton Roads, Virginia, July 22, 2017 -- US defense secretary Alberto Fulshrop said today that the military's adoption of the so-called "IKEA model" last year has resulted in military procurement savings close to the projected goal of 10%, or over $183 billion. Secretary Fulshrop hailed the program as a "sterling success, and a genuinely fun project for all the enthusiastic do-it-yourselfers in the services."
C17 Globemaster III awaiting assembly at Kirtland Air Force Base, New Mexico
Ron Paul for President Campaign Hires Top Internet Spammer
Washington, D.C., September 12, 2007 -- The Ron Paul for President campaign announced today it had hired Roy R. Schecter, a widely vilified international purveyor of spam email, to bolster its seemingly unstoppable grass-roots Internet campaign. A spokesman for Ron Paul said Schecter, 26, will take charge of coordinating the campaign's innovative Internet marketing efforts.
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