BakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT Signs With Eagles
Philadelphia, June 23, 2146 -- After 42 seconds of intense negotiation, the Philadelphia Eagles signed their top pick in the 2146 NFL draft, bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT, the mercurial wideout from a remote planetoid in the whooooooOOOOOGoMMMM!!! Galaxy and Georgia Tech, to a five-year, $574 million contract.
"We're excited that bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT is on board," says Eagles coach Lou Pendergast. "We're gonna throw downfield more this season, and we think bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT will contribute right away. The kid's got tentacles."
World's Oldest Person Not Yet Dead
Barkhaven, Missouri, November 7, 2018 -- The world's oldest person, Eleanor Micklebuckle, 129, of Elkhart, Illinois, confirmed that she was "not yet dead" when reached at her home today via telegram.
Ms. Micklebuckle, a retired plutonium finisher who credits "rubdowns, barley and electricity" for her exceptional longevity, said, "I still have a lot of appreciation for the many good things in life, even though I can't hear, see or smell them too good anymore. Thanks for checking in."
Jack Nicholson, Dennis Hopper to Make “Easy Rider Too: Cantankerous Old Hippies”
Malibu, California, February 24, 2008 -- At a rambunctious, rowdy, star-studded post-Oscar afterparty tonight here in Malibu, California, actors Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson announced they will be producing and starring in Easy Rider Too: Cantankerous Old Hippies, a sequel to the cult classic
Jack Nicholson and Dennis Hopper announce upcoming production of Easy Rider Too: Cantankerous Old Hippies
Chief Justice Rehnquist Dies; Remains on Bench
Washington, D.C., December 3, 2005 -- Chief Justice of the United States William H. Rehnquist died yesterday evening in an incident unrelated to the many life-threatening illnesses that plagued his last years of life. Chief Justice Rehnquist served as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court from 1972, when nominated by President Nixon, until 1986, when he assumed the post of Chief Justice following President Reagan's nomination. Rehnquist will continue to serve posthumously, a move those familiar with judicial praxis describe as "highly unusual".
Additional Abu Ghraib Images Surface
Washington, DC, November 2, 2006 -- Just days before the U.S. midterm elections, previously unpublished images of abuse of Iraqi prisoners inside the U.S.-run Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad have surfaced. This represents the fourth time this year that Abu Ghraib torture images have been published and the timing could not have been worse for an already crippled Bush administration hoping to maintain what little hold they currently have on Congress.
39 New Giant Hamster Flu Deaths Reported in Midwest
Sioux City, Iowa, October 12, 2030 -- The recently-formed Midwest Commission on Giant Hamster Flu (MCGHF) reported yesterday that an additional 39 men and women have succumbed in the past month to the latest outbreak of Giant Hamster Flu, or GHF. This brings the total GHF-linked death toll to over 400 for the first three quarters of the year, a 49 percent increase over 2029.
Officials of the MCGHF are now characterizing the outbreak as a serious pandemic with the potential for widespread contagion, although no cases of GHF spreading from human to human have yet been reported.
God Indicted in Absentia on Bird Flu Related Terrorism Charges
Washington, D.C., April 22, 2007 -- Following confirmed reports that the H5N1 avian flu virus has again been altered, making it even more resistant to anti-viral medications and increasing the risks of human-to-human bird flu transmission, a warrant has been issued for the arrest of God, the leading Suspect in what is now described as a global bio-terror conspiracy.
H5N1 avian flu virus strains (gold) prior to latest tweak by Hand of God: Photograph by C. Goldsmith/U.S. Centers for Disease Control
Genetic Engineers Create First Manga Baby
Boulder, March 22, 2014 -- Genetic engineers at the world-renowned Tweek-e-Gene Institute in Boulder, Colorado, announced today the successful production of the world's first live custom-designed human Manga-baby. The baby, a healthy boy weighing 2.3 lbs. and measuring a lanky 38 inches from head to toe, will be named Ichi the Killer.
Ichi the Killer, prototype Manga-baby
Trend-spotters confidently predict Ichi will be the first boulder in a virtual landslide of specially-ordered designer Manga-babies.
Alabama Governor Riley Asks Citizens to Curse Drought
Montgomery, Alabama, August 2, 2007 -- Alabama Governor Bob Riley, who led a successful if short-lived effort to alleviate Alabama's water shortages through a government-sponsored state-wide "Pray for Rain" campaign in July, is now urging Alabamians to increase pressure on the heavenly potentate with a newly proclaimed "Curse Drought" initiative.
Alabama Governor Bob Riley (Rep.)
Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.
