Archeology Report: The Armstrong Tautologies

Wapakoneta, Ohio, July 21, 2069 -- Researchers exploring the recently reopened tomb of the late astronaut Neil Armstrong have happened upon a treasure trove of previously unknown recorded material that promises to conclusively resolve the long-standing question of the famous Armstrong tautology.

Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin (Buzz) Aldrin bicker over who gets to plant the flagAstronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin (Buzz) Aldrin bicker over who gets to plant the flag

Virginia Boy Scouts Stumble on Cheney's Undisclosed Location

Roanoke, Virginia, March 12, 2008 -- A Blue Ridge Mountains Boy Scout troop accidentally discovered Vice President Dick Cheney's "undisclosed location" last week, a press officer with Boy Scouts of America said.

Possible undisclosed location of Dick Cheney's undisclosed locationPossible undisclosed location of Dick Cheney's undisclosed location

The troop, consisting of a Scoutmaster and 17 boys from the region who were planning to camp for the night in the heavily wooded area, reportedly found the undisclosed location while hunting for shelter during a sudden hailstorm.

Ecuadorean Peasant Named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive

Los Angeles, November 14, 2011 -- A previously unknown peasant from the remote hillsides of northern Ecuador, Jorge Rafael Montalvo, has been selected as People's Sexiest Man Alive 2011, a spokesman for the popular human-interest magazine announced today. A stunned and disoriented Mr. Montalvo was revealed to members of the press during a gala celebration in his honor tonight in Los Angeles.

EcuadorEcuador

Time is Accelerating, Study Finds

London, November 29, 2010 -- Do simple things like tying your shoes, brushing your teeth or sitting through someone else's wedding seem to take longer than they once did? Do you generally wake up in the morning feeling cranky and bleary-eyed rather than refreshed and well-rested? Do vacations seem to flit by like a millisecond-long, scarcely remembered dream?

New Creationism Law Flaws Diamond Markets

Johannesburg, April 9, 2011 -- Following the recent successful passage of the controversial Creation Law bill in the United States, an unexpected scientific wrinkle emerged as a consequence that has sent international diamond markets into a dramatic tailspin.

Shiny object formerly known as natural diamondShiny object formerly known as natural diamond

Top Spammers Launch Internet Bank/Pharmacy

Cyberspace, April 16, 2014 -- An international coalition of leading email spammers announced today the launch of the first combined web-based virtual bank/pharmacy. The launch was made public through a proactive marketing campaign consisting of 19.6 trillion personal email messages with subject lines such as "Fw: Cia:|is & Via:gra", "RE:RE We want approve yours loan osd" and "Diamond Equities pseudotropine wyoming spiffily" delivered directly to the inboxes of grateful consumers.

FBI to Test Televised Sting Operation with Who Wants to Be a Terrorist

New York, July 24, 2008 -- The FBI has announced an innovative plan to root out potential evildoers with the launch of the new game show, Who Wants to Be a Terrorist. The show, the first nationwide televised sting operation of its kind, is expected to result in "between zero to one arrests of confirmed terrorists or terrorist sympathizers per episode", according to Johnny Pistol, FBI Deputy Director.

John McCain Politely Refuses Mitt Romney Endorsement

Alexandria, Virginia, February 14, 2008 -- Republican presidential candidate John McCain said tonight he appreciated Mitt Romney's endorsement of his candidacy, announced just hours ago, but that it would undermine virtually every aspect of his “straight talk express” if the 72-year-old senator were to accept the accolade.

Mel Gibson In League With Satan; World Shocked

Mellowvale, NV, June 6, 2066 -- Actor and Director Mel Gibson, who has impressed with world for decades with his longevity and increasingly dogmatic film productions, was revealed in a surprise announcement by the Underworld Ethics Committee to have formed an illegal pact with Satan. The UEC reports the pact may have been in place for nearly a century.

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