Nostalgic Bush Says FY09 Budget "Last Chance to Shaft the Poor"
Washington, D.C., February 12, 2008 -- An unusually somber and introspective President George W. Bush, presenting the details of his $3.1 trillion fiscal year 2009 budget proposal for members of the American Plutocrats Union, a conservative group, lamented that the budget proposal represents his “last chance to shaft the poor.”
He urged the assembled audience to do “everything in their powers” to convince their elected representatives that the budget proposal represented an historic opportunity that may not return for a decade or more.
Ford Motor Co., in Cost-Saving Measure, to Cease Automobile Production
Dearborn, Michigan, June 9, 2006 -- Ford Motor Company Chairman and CEO Bill Ford announced during an interview with Bloomberg TV today that, effective immediately, Ford Motor Company will flatline all North American automotive and truck manufacturing operations in an effort to reduce costs and improve shareholder value.
Study Finds Human Brain Capable of Finite Number of Thoughts
St. Paul, Minnesota, July 22, 2017 -- A groundbreaking study performed by the St. Paul, Minnesota-based Institute for Cranial Spelunking has determined that human brains are capable of generating only a finite number of thoughts before becoming "utterly expended or depleted".
Human brain - planned obsolescence
The ICS study is expected to have profound implications on many aspects of human endeavour that involve thinking, pondering, mulling, or cogitation.
Top GOP Losers Reconsider Suicide PAC
Washington, D.C., January 9, 2007 -- Leading Republican senators who had formed a Suicide PAC prior to the 2006 midterm elections are now reconsidering their positions, beltway sources report. The unusual political action committee was designed to ensure members' reelections by codifying a formal "loss provision", under which PAC members vowed to commit suicide in the event of failure at the ballot box.
Outgoing Senator Rick Santorum, co-founder of DOH!
Bush Announces Global Air Conditioner Initiative
Washington, D.C., February 28, 2006 -- Following the near-complete destruction of the White House last week in Hurricane Florence, President Bush performed a virtual about-face and announced today a new proactive administration position on what he termed "the war against earth heating".
President Bush Pardons Lewis "Scooter" Libby
Washington, D.C., December 23, 2005 -- Lewis "Scooter" Libby was pardoned today in a surprise announcement by President George W. Bush. Libby, who had been indicted on five felony counts for perjury, false statements and obstruction of justice, and one misdemeanor charge involving an altercation with two lesbian cheerleaders, said "Yeah. Like I didn't see that one coming."
Jennifer Aniston Breaks Wind
Los Angeles, June 12, 2009 -- Jennifer Aniston reportedly broke wind last Thursday shortly after completing an afternoon snack that may have included rice crackers and cottage cheese, leading to speculation that the highly visible television and film actress may break wind again at some point in the near or distant future. An unidentified companion who was observed dining with Jennifer Aniston at the time did not react visibly to the occurrence. Jennifer Aniston was unavailable for comment on this dramatic bombshell.
Saddam Hussein Trial to Resume Tuesday, Barring Unforeseen Delays
Baghdad, July 23, 2030 -- The ongoing trial of Saddam Hussein is set to resume Tuesday, July 26, 2030, barring new complications that may further delay the arduous and lengthy process. The once-vaunted trial of the widely-hated deposed dictator has been plagued with a variety of difficulties since its inception and over virtually the full 25 years that have elapsed since Saddam Hussein first took the stand.
President Bush 'Ownz' on Runescape
Washington, January 14, 2007 -- Prior to the November 7 midterm elections, many political analysts wondered how President Bush would handle the last two years of his presidency if the Democrats seized control of the Congress. Nearly all agreed it would be a lonely time for a President accustomed to being surrounded by friends in Congress. None of the analyst's observations included the possibility that President Bush would retreat from the world stage to the world of online gaming.
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