President Bush Pardons Lewis "Scooter" Libby
Washington, D.C., December 23, 2005 -- Lewis "Scooter" Libby was pardoned today in a surprise announcement by President George W. Bush. Libby, who had been indicted on five felony counts for perjury, false statements and obstruction of justice, and one misdemeanor charge involving an altercation with two lesbian cheerleaders, said "Yeah. Like I didn't see that one coming."
Jennifer Aniston Breaks Wind
Los Angeles, June 12, 2009 -- Jennifer Aniston reportedly broke wind last Thursday shortly after completing an afternoon snack that may have included rice crackers and cottage cheese, leading to speculation that the highly visible television and film actress may break wind again at some point in the near or distant future. An unidentified companion who was observed dining with Jennifer Aniston at the time did not react visibly to the occurrence. Jennifer Aniston was unavailable for comment on this dramatic bombshell.
Gay Anti-War Immigrant Shoots Friend of Vice President Dick Cheney
Armstrong, Texas, February 15, 2007 -- A gay immigrant anti-war activist hunting together with Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly shot and seriously wounded a member of their party earlier this week in what has been termed an "alleged hunting accident".
28-gauge Perazzi shotgun similar to the one used by Mr. Thimbles to shoot Vice President Cheney's friend Harry Whittington
In Wake of Dr. Tiller Murder, Pro-Life Movement Sets Up Camp in Pakistan
Waziristan, Pakistan, July 22, 2009 -- After the emergence of a protest vacuum following the brutal slaying of Dr. George R. Tiller of Wichita, Kansas, the anti-abortion organization Operation Rescue led by Troy Newman has relocated to the rocky outcrops of northwestern Afghanistan in order to "refocus" their "pro-life" efforts.
Innovative Weight Loss Book No Page-Turner
New York, September 9, 2010 -- With a diverse range of radically similar weight loss programs topping the bestseller charts this publishing season, finding a winner can be as hard as squeezing the creamy filling from an éclair while driving. Two titles, however, stand out from the pulpy mass: the innovative debut diet offering by Rod Sharpely, "40 lb.", and Augustus Phloughlop's popular "Eat Shit and Die", sequel to the 49-week number one bestseller of last year, "Drive to Your Car".
McDonald's Launches the McCockroach
Oak Brook, Illinois, April 12, 2096 -- McDonald's restaurants, responding to customer demand for healthier and more varied cuisine, have announced a new assortment of culinary selections, the McCockroach Collection.
New McDonald's McCockroach Big Bug Bite
The McCockroach will be test-launched at select franchises in three major metropolitan areas over the next five weeks, to be followed by a nationwide rollout heralded by an unprecedented 12-media crossover advertising campaign.
USA Patriot Act To Ease Deficit With Pay-Per-View "Candid Americams"
Washington, D.C., November 26, 2005 -- Republican proponents of the USA Patriot Act are proposing a new provision they say will provide a fiscal silver lining to the controversial surveillance measure, but some privacy advocates are up in arms about what they see as an intolerable intrusion on privacy and civil liberties.
Surprise Rapture Disrupts Bush's 2007 State of the Union Address
Washington, D.C., January 24, 2007 -- President Bush's 2007 State of the Union address bumped into an unexpected snag with the "rapturing" of approximately 150,000 Fundamentalist Christians yesterday, Washington sources said.
Remains of raptured former Bush supporters
Maine Voters Outlaw Homo Sapiens Marriage in Referendum
Bangcock, Maine, November 5, 2009 -- A coalition of apparently easily confused Maine voters last night voted overwhelmingly, by a ratio of 50.24 to 49.86 percent, a new state law, titled "The Defense of Marriage Act", to "prohibit Homo sapiens marriage as well as to retroactively render null and void any previously codified unlawful marriages between consenting Homo sapiens that may have shamefully taken place up to and including the date of the final vote tally."
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