Most Studies Find Nothing, Study Finds

Macon, Georgia, August 22, 2077 -- The most comprehensive study of studies ever attempted has conclusively determined that few, if any, studies ever actually determine anything. At least not conclusively.

Ali Baba Archeologists Unearth Saddam's WMD

Tikrit, Iraq, April 30, 2338 -- Archeologists excavating near the Iraqi town of Tikrit last week were startled to discover what may at last be solid evidence of Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, or WMD, over 334 years after they were last mentioned publicly.

President Carter Tells All on Three Gorges Disaster Relief Trip

Washington, DC March 3, 2010 -- Former Presidents Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush had "differing views" during their recently completed efforts to raise funds for the victims of the Three Gorges Flood. Jimmy Carter elaborated on what those differing views were during a live interview last night with Leslie Stahl on 60 Minutes.

While President Carter was pleased with the $267 million donated by Americans as a result of the work coordinated by President Bush and himself, Carter appears to be more relieved to not have to work side-by-side with President Bush any longer.

Windows Vista Startup Music Designed on Macs

Seattle, February 27, 2007 -- Microsoft Corporation refused to comment today on the embarrassing revelation that the new Windows Vista "startup music", the musical vignette that is played to calm and distract users while waiting for the operating system to boot up, was created exclusively on Apple computer systems.

Windows Vista logoWindows Vista logo

The inflammatory tidbit was reportedly let slip during an off-the-record interview of a composer on the 20-member team that worked for 18 months to create the harmonic snippet.

China First With Citizen RFID Implants

Beijing, March 19, 2010 -- A press release issued by the Chinese government today announced the countrywide implementation of a new high-tech tracking initiative designed to "increase security and prosperity for all citizens of the People's Republic of China."

The plan, detailed by Zhou Bo Kai, chief executive of China's Ministry of Public Security, will involve the implantation of long-range, high-frequency RFID devices in every one of China's estimated 1.4 billion citizens over the next 18 months.

Theater Review: Bill Frist Dazzles in "Clairvoyant"

New York, October 2, 2010 -- The surprisingly versatile physician and former senator Bill Frist, making his Broadway debut, stars in an inspired one-man show here at the 47th Street Theater. "Clairvoyant" is the tale of a man beset by demons, a singularity of senses torn to tatters by pugnacious persecutors, who triumphs against the odds with the inspiring resolve and stamina of a dung beetle carrying an elephant's offal on his head.

South Carolina Pumpkin Farmer Grows World's Smallest Pumpkin

Hephzibah, South Carolina, October 30, 2007 -- A Hephzibah, South Carolina pumpkin farmer wins this year's annual "World's Smallest Pumpkin" contest with a record-small 0.23 inch (0.5842 cm) diameter, perfectly formed miniature example of the popular pulpy orange Halloween seasonal fruit.

Ozzie Crenshaw's World's Smallest PumpkinOzzie Crenshaw's World's Smallest Pumpkin

The farmer, Ozzie Crenshaw, said he was "real excited" to have captured the grand prize at this year's prestigious event.

Barack Obama Tops the Charts

Los Angeles, March 14, 2008 -- It is nothing new for popular musicians to throw their support behind a presidential candidate. Waldo Brumholder and the Whigettes were on the campaign trail for President William Henry Harrison. Frank Sinatra crooned for President John F. Kennedy. Toby Keith wailed in his own patriotic way for President George W. Bush in 2004. However, none of these examples can compare to the massive outpouring of support provided to Barack Obama in his 2008 bid for the presidency.

DiCaprio Delights in Crime and Punishment: The Little Raskol

New York, October 22, 2007 -- From curtain up to final bow, the merriment and music never fade throughout Malcolm Purino's fabulous new production titled Crime and Punishment: The Little Raskol, which premiered Saturday at the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre on West 46th Street.

This hearty comedic remake of the classic novel by Fyodor Dostoevsky casts a bright new light on desolation, despair and moral imbroglios, spicing the bland fare of the Russian intelligentsia with a unique dash of American zest.

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