Expectations Shrinking for Very Small People Project
Salt Lake City, Utah, June 29, 2108 -- A spokesman for the Human Reduction Institute's Very Small People Project announced at their annual meeting today that the group had achieved "only limited success" thus far in their attempts to reduce the size of human beings by 90 percent or more. The project, which has been coming under increasing fire over the past decade, may now be in danger of being scuttled altogether. Representatives of the institute remain optimistic, however.
6 in 10 Vampires Do Not Know Own Blood Group, Survey Finds
Great Neck, Long Island, August 3, 2012 -- The largest health awareness survey of vampires yet conducted found that six of every ten vampires surveyed could not identify their own blood group. Eight in ten were unaware of any potentially dangerous allergies other than sunlight, and only a tiny fraction carried full medical and/or life insurance.
Vampires as a group are dangerously short on basic medical coverage
Study Proves Universe Created By Committee
Gestation, Kansas, June 11, 2010 -- The most extensive analysis yet undertaken of the structure and contents of the universe conclusively proves the universe was created not by a single entity, as has been widely suggested, but by "a fractious and disorganized committee or committees given to groupthink and petty infighting", according to Drs. Karl Pootle and Yumble Frick, co-authors of the study. The analysis is expected to have profound implications on the theoretical underpinnings of many popular religions.
Donald Rumsfeld Resigns; Questions Linger
Washington, November 30, 2006 -- Donald Rumsfeld announced today that he would be stepping down as Secretary of Defense effective immediately. While his departure has been expected for sometime it is nevertheless a surprising move by the Bush administration with less than a week to go before the midterm elections take place.
Douglas Feith: Smirkier than Rumsfeld?
Texas Rings In New Clean Air Rules With Tire Fire
Austin, January 22, 2008 -- Texas Governor Rick Perry hailed the passage of strengthened air quality controls for Texas with a rousing public celebration yesterday featuring a Texas-style bonfire made entirely of recycled tires.
Houston, Texas (center)
Americans Are Evolving
Washington, DC February 27, 2041 -- Randall M. Humphrey, M.D., Director of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), made it official earlier today when he unequivocally stated, "Americans are evolving." This proclamation was welcomed by many in the American scientific community who have spent the last three decades researching and documenting developments occurring with the anatomy of newborn children and following the growth pattern into adulthood
Newt Gingrich Announces Candidacy for Republican Presidential Nomination
Atlanta, Georgia, March 22, 2007 -- Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, whose career was thought by virtually all observers to have evaporated in a hail of spittle in 1998, announced today that he will be seeking the Republican nomination for president in 2008. The former Speaker had hinted as early as the autumn of 2005 that he "could be cajoled to run, if the voice were soft and silky enough", but only with today's announcement does Mr. Gingrich's candidacy become official.
Avant News Job Interview Tips: How to Fake the Liver Biopsy
Macon, Georgia, September 22, 2010 -- A recent survey performed by the Online Job-Seekers Bureau found that increasingly stringent rules for potential job applicants now frequently include such measures as requiring that liver biopsies, brain samples, and loyalty oaths be submitted along with a resume.A spokesman for the Online Job-Seekers Bureau said he found the trend "understandable, but troubling".
Reentry of Shuttle Diplomacy Burns NASA
Washington, D.C., October 2, 2006 -- The escalating feud between U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and NASA (the National Aeronautics and Space Administration) over the proposed use of Space Shuttle Atlantis for diplomatic purposes has tempers in both camps on the verge of explosion, NASA sources said today.
Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.
