Bush Sees WMD as Key to Fresh New Way Forward in Iraq
Washington, D.C., May 16, 2007 -- President Bush announced today his "Fresh New Way Forward" plan for Iraq, the strategy for which hinges primarily on the equipping of Iraqi forces with advanced weapons of mass destruction, or WMD.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice explains President Bush's Fresh New Way Forward plan for Iraq
Citing Faltering Economy, Lawmakers to Forego Cocktails
Washington, D.C., May 19, 2008 -- In a bi-partisan, largely symbolic gesture intended to draw attention to the faltering US economy and its impact on the vanishing middle class, Congress agreed today to no longer provide free booze at government-sponsored events. The BYOB agreement is expected to save American taxpayers up to $291 million annually.
Former President George W. Bush Born Again, Again
Marshmallow, TX, Sept. 17, 2009 -- A spokesman for former President George W. Bush announced today the retired politician and oil industry lobbyist has enjoyed a new spiritual rebirth. This makes for Bush's fourth rebirth since his withdrawal from public life, and his fifth overall, giving him a two-rebirth lead over former Attorney General John Ashcroft.
"He's quite pleased with this particular spiritual reawakening," said the spokesman. "This one, the President assures me, is going to stick."
Microsoft, Micronesia Reach a Deal
Redmond, WA, October 12, 2018 -- "Time to go buy a new globe" was the opening statement by Bill Gates at today’s news conference at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington. The aging Microsoft founder startled the world this morning in announcing the purchase of Micronesia. "I am pleased to introduce to the world the new country of the Federated States of Microsoftnesia," Gates proclaimed.
New DreamTV Keeps Viewers Tuned In While They Sleep
Philadelphia, June 16, 2018 -- ToshibaSonyMagnavoxivision (TSM) yesterday announced the launch of their new, updated Dream TV Sleep Entertainment System, the DreamTV rEM99. A spokesman for TSM said, "We're absolutely delighted with the opportunities offered by the updated system, and are positive that consumers worldwide will be astonished with the ease and versatility with which it fulfils all of their sleep entertainment needs."
U.S. Gun Manufacturers Win Right to Sue Shooting Victims
Washington, D.C., April 12, 2006 -- A controversial law passed yesterday by the Republican-dominated U.S. House of Representatives will give gun manufacturers the right to sue both perpetrators and victims of shootings for "defamatory product misuse". This new measure follows on the heels of a new "blank slate" law passed in 2005 absolving gun manufacturers of any legal liability in the event that their products, no matter how small, powerful, or easily concealed, obtained or abused, are used in the perpetration of violent crimes.
NSA Secretely Wiretapped Jesus, Discloses Senate Panel
Washington, D.C., August 29, 2006 -- The National Security Agency (NSA) extensively wiretapped and conducted other surveillance activities targeting Jesus of Nazareth over a period of at least four years, a report issued by the Special Senate Investigative Panel into Unlawful Domestic Surveillance Activities disclosed today.
Jesus (artist's impression)
President Bush Nabbed In Effort to Alter Own Wikipedia Entry
Wikispace, December 19, 2008 -- Outgoing President George W. Bush was caught yesterday attempting to polish his biographical entry on Wikipedia, sources close to the reclusive commander-in-chief admitted. The effort was immediately spotted by members of Wikipedia's large group of volunteer editors, who described President Bush's revisionist online foray as "comically inept".
President Bush attempts to alter own Wikipedia entry: Photograph by anonymous aide
Nostalgic Bush Says FY09 Budget "Last Chance to Shaft the Poor"
Washington, D.C., February 12, 2008 -- An unusually somber and introspective President George W. Bush, presenting the details of his $3.1 trillion fiscal year 2009 budget proposal for members of the American Plutocrats Union, a conservative group, lamented that the budget proposal represents his “last chance to shaft the poor.”
He urged the assembled audience to do “everything in their powers” to convince their elected representatives that the budget proposal represented an historic opportunity that may not return for a decade or more.
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